First time poster, long time lurker. Names changed for anonymity.
I’d really appreciate some outside opinions on whether I’m being unreasonable. I’ll start from the beginning but it’s a bit of a long one.
When we moved to the small town we still live in, our son (then 3) started nursery. One of the other mums, “Sophie” (36), made a beeline for us at the school gate. She was keen to make friends with other “boy mums and dads” as most of her friends have girls.
Sophie is very much the type who gave up work when she had her child and now everything revolves around how amazing her son is, what stage he’s at, etc. There’s a lot of one-upping and unsolicited advice about what you “should” be doing as a parent. I clocked this fairly early and decided not to engage in that game. I would smile, nod and keep things positive. I’ll admit to my husband that I jokingly referred to her as “Supermum” because she was always telling me what I should try with Alvin.
Over time she invited us, and another couple (the Romans – 32M, 33F and their 5M), to various things – farmers markets, fêtes, birthdays etc. Her fiancé “Henry” (35) was usually there too.
Sophie’s son “Greg” and our son “Alvin” sometimes clashed. They could play really nicely for a while and then fall out. Usually it was just verbal arguments but occasionally it became a bit physical. If Alvin was in the wrong we always dealt with it there and then, even if we were at someone else’s house – time out, apology etc. Interestingly, Alvin has never had these physical altercations with the other boys.
Later Sophie befriended another family (the Victors – 35M, 32F, 11M and 5M) and they joined the group.
Because Greg and Alvin could clash, we told Alvin that if he felt frustrated he should just walk away. We told the other parents this too.
We actually really liked this group. We had a small Christmas get-together and again the boys argued a bit, but it’s really just Greg and Alvin who seem to rub each other up the wrong way. They’re fine with the other two boys.
Earlier this year there was a children’s sushi-making event at our town’s community hub. Sophie mentioned it in the group chat but we were the only ones interested. My husband went along with Sophie and Greg and afterwards they took the kids to the park.
While there Sophie started talking about the children in the boys’ class (Greg and Alvin are in the same class). She listed several children she doesn’t like because they apparently hit Greg or are too rough. She said she doesn’t like play fighting and it’s too much for Greg.
However, most of the boys seem to play fight at that age. One boy, “Thomas”, whose mum Sophie is friends with from when she first moved here, apparently play fights all the time but that’s fine because he’s a “great kid” (which he is).
But another boy, “Jack”, who Alvin is very close to and whose parents we are good friends with, was described by Sophie as a bully. She also said a few other boys were basically “the devil”.
My husband basically shrugged and said kids will be kids – we can only parent our own child.
After that we did distance ourselves a little from Sophie. We really like Jack and his family and felt Sophie was being unfair. Jack is a bit boisterous, yes, but absolutely not a bully.
Not long after, Sophie texted to say Greg would be having a huge birthday party and to save the date because we “had to come”.
The next time we saw her was at the Victors’ son’s birthday party. I was talking to my husband and mentioned I was surprised Jack wasn’t there. Sophie interrupted and said it’s because he’s not liked as he’s a bully.
I’ll admit I lost my cool a bit. I said that he absolutely isn’t a bully and that a bit of play fighting doesn’t make someone a bully.
Then she said Jack pushes Alvin over and bullies him, including “the other day at school”.
I was honestly gobsmacked. I told her that was not true and she was out of order and should focus on her own child. She then claimed someone called “Susan” had told her and that she’d seen it herself. (I have no idea who Susan is.)
I was furious but tried not to cause a huge scene.
On the Monday another parent I barely speak to approached me at school and said Sophie had been telling people Jack is bullying Alvin. I told them that is absolutely not true.
I then spoke to Jack’s mum straight away to make it clear it wasn’t coming from us and that we adore Jack. Thankfully another parent had already told her about the rumour and she knew it wasn’t us.
There have since been words between Jack’s parents and Sophie and Henry and they are no longer speaking. Sophie hasn’t apologised for calling Jack a bully, which could have ended the whole thing. Instead she’s been hovering around Jack’s mum at school trying to get back on side.
With us she ignores us and gives dirty looks, which honestly suits me fine. I don’t want to be friends with someone who spreads things about a child that aren’t true, especially in a small town where reputations can stick from Reception to Year 6.
Interestingly, the rest of the group still speak to us and Alvin is still invited to their parties.
So my questions are:
Back in October Alvin was verbally invited to Greg’s birthday party. Proper invitations went out two weeks ago (another parent asked if Alvin was going) but we never received one. Jack also hasn’t received one.
I don’t know the exact time or place but I assume it’s the same venue as last year.
Am I right in thinking we should assume we’re no longer invited and just not go?
Also, I already bought Greg a present that I know he’d love. Would it seem passive aggressive to give it to him after school one day?
Finally, Sophie and Henry are clearly ignoring us and I suspect they’re still spreading rumours. Should I just ignore it and carry on?