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AIBU?

to think that my parents could have at least asked how I was at some point in the last 3hrs.......

25 replies

FAQ · 17/06/2008 18:30

while they've been sat here????

OK fair enough when they first arrived at 3.30and
the carpet fitter arrived at the EXACT same time - so they couldn't say any "pleasantries" straight away........but surely at some point in the 3hrs after that they could have at least asked me just one question about how things are? How I'm coping? anything really....

Nothing at all, not even a "nice to see you" or anything, and they showed only half-hearted interest in talking/playing/watching the DS's .

I'm 99.99% certain the ONLY reason that they came to "see" us today was to collect the old "family" rocking horse which has been sat in my shed for the last 3 1/2yrs.........and they certainly made it pretty clear that once I'd got it out they'd be going.

Mind you I did take advantage of them being here and go and paint DS1's bedroom ceiling (although I'd probably have done that whether they were here or not), and they "made it easier for me" to go to the shop (apparently) by waiting until I'd got the DS's shoes on, and just needed to pop DS3 in the pushchair.

What a f*cking waste of my afternoon, I thought after the last 2 phonecalls to them they were actually ready to start supporting me/being there for me (just as an understanding ear if nothing else!) but I was obviously VERY wrong.

We hardly talked at all, despite my efforts to make conversation

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youcannotbeserious · 17/06/2008 18:33

sorry you've had a crappy day.

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FAQ · 17/06/2008 18:40

thanks - only been the last 3hrs that have been crap, rest of the day has been ok......

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youcannotbeserious · 17/06/2008 18:58

parents eh????

we can get our own back on our kids!!!

hope u have a good evening

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FAQ · 17/06/2008 19:01

I was really close to them until H and I split up 3 months ago (we used to talk for 30+ minutes several times a week on the phone). Then they hardly had time to talk/called me any more. It seemed to have improved in the last week or so on the phone - but it would appear not.

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youcannotbeserious · 17/06/2008 19:06

i read your story....

ironic that parents often desert us just when their support would be helpful!!!

did they get on with your h?

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FAQ · 17/06/2008 19:07

yes they got on well with him, thought he was perfect/wonderful etc etc,

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LucyJones · 17/06/2008 19:09

so they looked after the dcs while you painted?
doesn't sound too bad a deal tbh
I haven't sen my parents or inlaws since xmas... would love someone to be here while I got ready to go to the shops....

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mylittlepudding · 17/06/2008 19:10

My mother has been similarly "supportive" over my break up. It is really very difficult - no suggestions, wish I had, but sorry it has been sad and demoralising and frustrating.

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CarGirl · 17/06/2008 19:11

They probably can't cope with the embarrassment of a dd who is seperated. My parents ensured they kept their distance whilst I had nervous breakdown, I once cried down the phone and they didn't ring again for 3 months.

I'm afraid friends are far more supportive IME

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DarthVader · 17/06/2008 19:14

Damn it why do parents not support you when you need them? I am pissed at my parents for similar reasons so empathy from me

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Kimi · 17/06/2008 19:15

How are you today FAQ?

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FAQ · 17/06/2008 19:36

LJ - I've could have painted whether they were here or not.

I was already READY to go to the shops - all I had to put DS3 in his pushchair - hardly a marathon thing to do! They watched me get the DS's organised and find my wallet etc.

Don't get me wrong - I do appreciate when I have people round and I'm able to do stuff, but when it's my parents who made it pretty clear they'd rather be elsewhere, and whose only response to me taking an OD about 2 months ago was "well what did you do that for" (and a long letter from my mum which was all about HER) it did rather hurt.

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youcannotbeserious · 17/06/2008 19:39

I bet they never waited for an answer to that question?

My parents are forever asking questions to which they already know the answer - no response from me is required - it won't change their thinking

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DarthVader · 17/06/2008 19:45

Your parents are not very good parents but they are unlikely to change. Unfortunately i think the answer is for you to modify your expectations of them and I have much sympathy on this.

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FAQ · 17/06/2008 19:49

DV - I know I'm trying to - but it's just come as such a shock to the system how they've reacted to this. I've ALWAYS been extremely close to my mum (or so I thought) and although I never got on with my dad too well when I was younger the last 4/5yrs things seemed to have improved.

If I'd never been that close to them I don't think it would hurt so much, but going from several hours of chatting on the phone a week, to about 2/3hrs of chatting on the phone since the middle of march is just too weird

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DarthVader · 17/06/2008 19:57

Tbh they probably can't cope with the fact that you took an OD themselves, whereas you understandably need them to cope with it themselves and be there to support you.

This is clearly not great for you and I guess the answer is that you need to establish support networks for yourself which are not your mum and dad. Whenever my parents fail to provide support I need or ask for,I feel hurt and angry, but I guess this achieves nothing. Age 21 I confided in my mum that I wanted to kill myself and her response was that if that was how I felt it was a good idea. I have never been able to forgive her for it, but I don't truly believe that she wanted me to die, I think she was just not equipped to deal with the situation.

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FAQ · 17/06/2008 20:09

well they weren't talking to me before I took the OD not to mention the fact that I'm not the only close family member to have been suicidal.... so (sadly) it is something they've both had to deal with before.

tbh after the way they'd reacted to the whole split thing I'd decided that if they wanted to contact me - that was fine, but I wouldn't contact them. I've been incredibly lucky that I've got lots of RL friends that have been, and wiil continue to be, there for me.

I let my guard down after the whole computer fiasco with H and things seemed to have improved. But I was horribly wrong.

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FAQ · 18/06/2008 09:28

youcannot - well he did sort of wait for a response to that question, but given that it was less than 7 days since I'd been in hospital I really wasn't in a place in my head where I could formulate any explanations.........I said something (can't remember what - but was only a tiny % of the whole picture) and he turned round and said "well that was a bit silly wasn't it"

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poly · 18/06/2008 14:08

Do you think your parents were uncomfortable talking about seperation and/or od with Ds1, 2 &3 in the room?

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FAQ · 18/06/2008 17:59

they didn't have to talk about any of that - just "how are you" (or similar) - or even any sort of conversation about what I'm doing would have been nice.

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youcannotbeserious · 18/06/2008 23:52

It seems a bit odd, especially as you say they've dealt with something similar before?

How did they cope that time?

It could be that they had you down as an independant, cope-with-anything sort of woman and found it difficult to cope with the fact that you needed support?

I find it very difficult to admit I'm anything less than super human to my parents, even though it's often evident... The only time I really did break down and get it wrong, they were there for me, but it wasn't easy and they found it very difficult to understand how I could have got things so wrong.

Now that it's over, it's never spoken about. But, I'm def. not as close to my dad now. It's like he had to deal with the fact I wasn't a child (I have an elder sister who still acts like she's about 9YO)

I dunno if that might be true of your case?

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poly · 19/06/2008 02:04

How often do your parents pop into see you? you mention talking on the phone to them before the od.Iam just puzzled why this one visit gets a mention unless they live away? Why did your dad not paint your ceiling while you and your mum had a chat?

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Weegiemum · 19/06/2008 02:27

There is another Weegie - I am weegiemum

But I'M the one that lives in Glasgow, therefore it is MY name!!!

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FAQ · 19/06/2008 11:51

poly - they live several hours drive away - so rarely pop in (although my dad popped down to see me for a day 5 days after I'd come out of hospital - despite me asking him not to as I just wasn't up to visitors).....

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poly · 20/06/2008 14:58

What do your parents do? I mean it was a weekday visit so presumably they had to have time of work?
You may not have felt up to visitors but hey this was your Dad not just any visitor. He had several hours drive to get to you perhaps when he got there he did not know how to handle situation.
Your mum writes to you that can't be so bad can it?
You have split with DH, took od, found a new man perhaps things going to fast for them.
Could be they thought they were helping?

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