So stressed about DS3 likely autistic

[Mysweaterisonbackwardsandinsideout]

My lovely DS is 3 and it’s looking very likely he’ll be diagnosed with autism. He’s speech delayed and delayed with his communication and interactions. He can talk but he’s miles behind kids his age and never answers a question or has a conversation.

I feel so bad for him. All I keep thinking about is way into the future. Can he get a job, enjoy travelling, can he live alone, get married? etc. I know I’m being ridiculous looking that far ahead but my mind just keeps going there and its consuming all my time.

I keep feeling bad on my older girls. They’re 8 and 10. They’re now aware of him being different and I can tell they they’re concerned.

Often I feel like this payback for me not just being happy with 2DC. He took almost two years to conceive with multiple miscarriages before and I keep thinking maybe it was a sign.

I just wish I could see into the future.

Sorry I know this sounds so dramatic but I’m wondering if anyone else has felt like this?

@coeliacsucks Wow that’s brilliant. He sounds great and very determined. Did he go to a special primary?

@Bigcooklittlecook2026 Thank you. Good news he’s come out of nappies, that’s a big achievement. Do you have other kids? I’m a bit concerned about my other two being held back from experiences because DS wouldn’t cope. We’re not at that stage yet mostly because he’s still in a pushchair but I fear things might be more challenging as he gets older such as holidays/days out.

@firstofallimadelight I think that’s the thing I find the most difficult is not know to what extreme it will affect him/us. Of course nobody knows or can predict.
I do sometimes wonder whether it’s not autism and possibly something but I’m not sure what. He doesn’t have a rigid routine, doesn’t stim or have meltdowns. It’s mostly the talking/communicaiton/interactions and lack of understanding.

@Choconuttolata Thanks so much, ill take a look

When you introduced the different foods, would he eat it? My ds is so so picky and I just let him eat what he wants

but really I should introduce different foods too

It's impossible not to race ahead into the future. Unfortunately there's no crystal balls. I have 3 kids with sen and not one has turned out as I predicted. I wish I could say more but will post tomorrow as I'm tierd.

My third son didn't talk until he was 7. It was a complete 9 word sentence. Profound ( insulting his brother) he was non verbal but that shows he was thinking things. Dark thoughts towards his brother 🤣

My other son was talking but severely delayed. He is deputy head boy and has offers from three Russel group unis, waiting to hear from Bristol. He is in a SEN school. He is acing life but via a different path..

Honest answer, I can't remember DS2 being as awkward about food as DS1 so I think what I learnt with DS1 I introduced earlier with DS2 so it was easier.
DS1 was VERY picky about food.
He basically only ate salad and pasta with cheese on and even if I bought a different brand of pasta and put it in the right brand packet, he could taste the difference.
So I used to produce a plate of what he would eat and then put a couple of teaspoons of a new food on the side of the plate. After 3 or 4 times of putting the new food there I encouraged him to try and lick it/ try a tiny piece with the very clear boundary that if he did that, that was good enough and I wouldn't then say 'well done, have another bite'. The next day he would be encouraged to do the same. Because I never said 'now take another bite' he felt safe enough to try new foods. Some he found he liked and we introduced them properly. Some he hated and those I stayed well clear of. But he went on to have a wide and varied diet.

Yes I also have an 8 year old son who is NT. I won't lie, their relationship and the impact of my youngest on my eldest has been one of my biggest worries. They don't have a typical sibling relationship and it often feels like having two only children. My eldest often has to compromise quicker, and can get frustrated by his brother's lack of emotional regulation. We do a lot of validating feelings 'Yes it is very frustrating when he screams, I don't like it either'. And my autistic one can be rough due to the communication difficulties and sensory seeking. But he's never prevented us from holidaying (admittedly UK only for the last several years, but some lovely ones) or having days out. He needs more preparation and supervision for sure, luckily my husband and I are a great team. We also encourage friendships for my older child - he is regularly invited around a couple of classmates homes and crucially we can also invite them round also. My kids have seperate rooms which has been vital and will only get more so as they get older. So although things are different for my eldest, and sometimes a little tricky in some ways, I hope he is still having a good childhood ❤

Also, for example, next weekend we are going to see the new Disney film at the cinema, as my eldest has recently mentioned wanting to see it. We are going as a 4 to an autism-friendly screening that our local cinema runs one weekend a month; smallest screen, lights left on, volume lower, no adverts, and a more 'anything goes' approach during the screening. Chances are there will be a lot of older disabled adults there with family/carers as well. Either my husband or I wil take our little autistic one for a walk at some point if he needs a break, but at least my eldest will get to see the film. And I don't think it's a hardship for him to have to go to a SEN screening (baring in mind behaviour in a standard cinema screening can sometimes be pretty poor!)

Op, one size doesn't fit all. Autism can be some people's super power! So many high fliers are autistic. If it helps my dc had a speech delay at 3, had been late to reach developmental milestones. Dc was behind in school at first, and is now academically ahead, dh progressed really fast ! Profile is AuADHD too. It hasn't been a walk in the park, and it has definately been a learning experience for dh, and I, but with the 'right' support, they can fly, don't give up!

I found that time around diagnosis the hardest.

The best thing I did was join a group for other parents in the same situation. One of them said to me very early on it took me a while to realise that it really isn’t the end of the world. That helped me start to gain some perspective. The real change of mindset happened when we were around seasoned parents whose children were much older.

They had walked our paths and were back living normal family life where autism was just their daily norm. We are at that point now and obviously you have to deal with issues constantly as they come up, same as with our older children, but our son is just our son now. We are constantly looking out for ways to develop and taking every opportunity we can.

The one thing I did decide very early on was that there were some people, a very teeny minority, who made having a child with autism central to their identity and others, the vast majority, who did not.

To me, at least, it looked like the ones with the best outcomes did not make their child’s autism central to their identity as a parent so that was a very conscious route I chose.

This went for all levels of autism and plenty with other disabilities on top of the autism too. If the child was able to just go back to being a child, they thrived. If they were a parental project they did not appear to.

He might not do all the things listed in the OP (or he might do them all!), but also he might not actually want to do all of them when he becomes an adult and he might find joy in things that you don't particularly get satisfaction from.
As with any parent, all you can do is support him to have the opportunity to try as many things as possible so he can find his own path.

@Deerinflashlightscould you expand on the observation of oarents treating autism as a project - genuinely interested but not entirely sure what you mean