AIBU to suggest deciding later on holiday plans two weeks postpartum?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

AIBU to suggest my brother in law’s partner should come on holiday 2-4 weeks postpartum?!

My in law’s are going aboard in the summer holidays and my BIL and his partner will have a baby 2-4 weeks before.

I’ve said to see how she feels as she suffers from prenatal anxiety, will be a first time mum, and it’s all a big adjustment the first time around (I have two of my own).

When I mentioned this tonight, I’ve been told I’m being ridiculous and it’s actually easier being with family in those first few weeks.

I agree with that statement, but the holiday is in France and they are planning to drive. It will be a 3 hour car journey, but a week away with 4 other grandchildren.

AIBU to suggest to consider it closer to the time?! Feel like I’m the only one being sensible, especially as she’s high risk for PNDD.

I went abroad with DD aged 6 weeks with family. Worst thing I ever did.
we had booked the villa 12 months prior when I wasn’t pregnant and instead of saying it was too much I went along with it.

YWNBU in your suggestion to consider deciding nearer the time. My eldest was still in NICU at 2 weeks old. I also recall that newborns are only supposed to be in the car seat for 30mins before a break?! How many times are they planning on stopping on the way? I couldn't imagine anything worse tbh.

But as pp have said, if they dont take your advice, there's not a lot more you can do about it. Just leave it now and maybe when they get closer to the time, they will rethink themselves.

YWBU to suggest it. Should a newborn even be in a car seat for that length of journey? She might have to have a CS and still be recovering. She might be having trouble establishing breast feeding. She might just be knackered and the thought of leaving the house to go to the corner shop is too much. But it’s for her to decide that. You’ve given her your opinion now it’s best to sit back and try not to say “I did warn you” when they don’t make it!

Sorry- YWNBU. It won’t let me edit!

It is an absolutely bloody stupid idea to plan a holiday 2 weeks post partum
Aside from the practicalities of travel insurance and passport, it's not good for the baby to be in a car seat for not than 30 minutes it at at that age. Mum might have to have a c section and can't travel in a car long distance. Mum will need regular support for feeding, whether breast or bottle fed.
Even if it's a natural birth, Mum will have a massive gaping wound on her womb and needs to look after herself.

It's a ridiculous idea to go on holiday.

But..... The only person you can mention this to, in the midst friendly and light war is the mum or dad. Who do you have the best relationship with? I suggest you have a little non judgemental word with them

You are absolutely NOT unreasonable to have initially suggested it was not a good idea. But you just have to give up once they shut that down. Not because you're wrong but because, in the experience of many of us, people like your SIL and BIL will just dig their heels in and as an in law you are making yourself look bad. For YOUR sake, move on. They are adults and they can be as stupid as they like (and make no mistake, they really are stupid).

I'd have a laugh and tell them actually, it will be amazing, travel will be a doddle, baby will sleep, it will be beautiful. Then watch the chaos unfold. There's no way they'll even make it, the bloody passport won't come in time.

In my experience they won’t get a passport through quickly enough anyway so they’re just wasting their money

You are right. It was the reaction from the in laws and them that threw me off, then the responses here - I might have as well suggested the newborn walked themselves to France.

I totally forgot that newborns can’t be in car seats longer than 30mins-1 hour, so the 3 hour journey will take much longer for them!
Think I’ve forgotten the length a newborn can be in car seat as because both of mine screamed bloody murder until 3-4 months in the car, so the car was the last choice of transport for us!

Absolute madness to consider a holiday with such a tiny baby. I’ve had three babies. Definitely still recovering at this stage.
Plenty of time for holidays later when you and your baby can actually enjoy yourselves.

Because when it’s you, you get to decide. When it’s someone else, they get to decide.

So as obviously right as you are, you can’t force someone else to do the right thing so just leave it. Let her suffer and learn from it!

ITA with you OP. DD2 had a baby by planned Caesarean last Thursday. She has been surprised by how much pain, she’s been in - can hardly stand up, and can’t pick the baby up. The baby has tongue tie - she has one suck at breastfeeding and gives up. She lost so much weight the first three days, the hospital wouldn’t let her go home - she was put on breastfeeding, expressed milk and formula top ups to 60 mls every 3 hours. DD2 is having to pump for 40 minutes after every attempt at breastfeeding. The tongue tie appointment is on Tuesday.

The other night, the baby woke up every 60 - 90 minutes to feed and do a dirty nappy, when we’d expect formula to keep her full for longer than that? Both parents were exhausted. I can’t imagine them being on holiday with a breast pump, bottles and all that sterilising on top of pumping 40 minutes every 3 hours - how does that work, when you are out somewhere?

There could be other minor problems too like jaundice?

Then there is the advice newborns shouldn’t be taken to busy places, because their immune system is not so developed and they can develop serious infections:

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/new-parents-and-newborns-are-visitors-ok

(John Hopkins is a respected hospital in New England, USA)

I think you are reacting oddly to comments on here.
The vast majority clearly agree with your concerns and don't think you were unreasonable in voicing them.
People are simply saying don't push it.

I will add to my previous comment that my husband I travelled to the east coast to see my parents at their caravan with our then 2.5 week old baby. That was in 2005 when there wasn’t the guidance around about max 30 mins in the car seat. I don’t recall having any issues with the journey etc. stopping in the caravan was actually fine and obviously my parents were there to help too. We did end up having a really nice time. So it is possible - but I think that in this case it is different. Going abroad - presumably they need to register the birth before they can apply for a passport. I hear at the minute passport turnaround time is quite quick… but my parents just had theirs done. My dads took a couple of days, my mums arrived exactly 1 week after his. I imagine in peak holiday season the turnaround time wi be longer. Will they be able to register the birth within a day or two? Will they have even decided on the name that quickly? Then there’s the newer guidance around time in a car seat.

So I think if it were in the same country, it would be less problematic. I’d say as long as no one is going to fall out with them when/if they can’t make it (and it won’t increase the cost for everyone else if they can’t go) then I’d bite my tongue and let them crack on. If you know it’s going to cost you all more if they drop out at the last minute, you have every right to express your concerns… and to be honest I’d say I’m not going (that’s if you are going?)

Could you suggest different dates if you are going? Say your boss has asked if you can change your AL to a few weeks later or something? I am sure once the baby is here, your SIL will realise why you did it and be grateful!

The thing I've discovered over the years with in-laws is that whatever the topic is just keep your opinions to yourself unless the plan directly has an impact on you. It seems like in this case it makes no scrap of difference to you what they do so just keep quiet and then on holiday in France have a few smug thoughts to yourself.

This is also my approach.