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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re Mothers Day?

25 replies

Lostmyway87 · 13/03/2026 18:42

I know I probably am being unreasonable and completely oversensitive, but wanted others thoughts please, or to gently be told I'm being unreasonable.
I lost my mother 6 months ago. It was a very complicated relationship, and I'm struggling daily with how to feel.
Anyhow, my husband came home this morning looking nervous and awkward. We hadn't discussed Mother's Day, but he awkwardly announced that he was going to his Mother's for lunch on the day. I was obviously invited, but he assumed I would find it to much with losing my own mother recently so assumed that he would likely be going on his own with other siblings.
I'm finding it hard as part of me feels that if he knew I would be struggling, why is he even going? Why not offer to stay and ask if I need his support for the day?
I would greatly value opinions as to whether I'm being completely oversensitive. There is a back story of him being really thoughtless and quite selfish at times, and at present we are in quite a bad place due to this, so realise I may be projecting.
We have spoken, and he explained he feels really awkward, but hasn't offered at all as to if I'd like him to spend the day at home for support, though nor have I asked.
Am I being over sensitive? Happy to be told yes, I'm just struggling right now. Thanks

OP posts:

Ragamuffin8 · 13/03/2026 18:58

I’m so sorry for your loss, losing a parent is devastating.

But I also think his relationship with his own mother shouldn’t suffer, and he needs to enjoy the time with her whilst she’s still here.

Strawberryfruitstarburst · 13/03/2026 19:00

Agreed exactly with @Ragamuffin8

Sirzy · 13/03/2026 19:01

Maybe your loss has made it even more important to him to spend the day with his mum?

I get it’s tough and he should have asked if you wanted to go with him but it’s unreasonable to expect him not to go

Mama1980 · 13/03/2026 19:02

I’m so very sorry for your loss but gently I think you are being slightly unreasonable and he should spend time with his mother whilst he can. It will mean a lot to her I’m sure.

Lomonald · 13/03/2026 19:02

I do think he should see his mum as hard as that is for you, you can either go or not either is fine, but.he is entitled to spend time with his mum on mothers day.

Crumpled86 · 13/03/2026 19:02

I think you are being unreasonable and I say so gently. If you wouldn't go because it's too soon and hurtful then fair enough. However, it's a day for mum's and his shouldn't have to miss out. He's going for lunch so unlikely to spend the whole day with her.

HarrietofFire · 13/03/2026 19:08

Losing your mum is an awful experience and I’m sorry that has happened to you. Your DH should spend time with his mum while he still has her though and this just sounds like lunch rather than the full day. Run yourself a big bubble bath or something like that while he’s out.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 13/03/2026 19:10

What if this turns out to be his last Mother’s Day with his own mother? You never know what’s around the corner. YABU, and it sounds like he’s tried to be sensitive telling you

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/03/2026 19:20

It's a two day weekend. He could spend a nice day out with you on one of the days and see her on the other... and on the Sunday you could have a quiet day to yourself, doing things you want to do like having a nice long walk and a coffee and some peace and quiet rather than being at the inlaws.

He owes you a nice alternative day. Or see his mum on Saturday and take you out on Sunday. Why not.. its hardly pushing the boat out.

I'm sorry for your loss. I found it reallly hard seeing all the mother posts on Facebook.

Newyearawaits · 13/03/2026 19:23

Very sad to hear about the loss of your mum OP, I talk from experience when I say that I appreciate how raw and sad you are feeling.
I think your husband is in a difficult situation and clearly finds the current situation awkward.
Allow him to spend the day with his mum and join him if you feel able to.
Sending you strength OP

Georgiepud · 13/03/2026 19:26

Nothing will bring your mum back, I remember that feeling only too well.

I felt resentful for a while when my husband prioritised his mum, but as said above I was also mindful of the fact that eho knows what's round the corner where older parents are concerned.

I think he should go to his mum with your blessing.

Candleabra · 13/03/2026 19:26

Sorry about your mum. I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable but I can understand why, I think the “first” of any big day after a bereavement is so difficult, Your DH was clearly thinking of you, and trying to be sensitive.

changedusernameforthis1 · 13/03/2026 19:28

I'm sorry you lost your Mum, OP.

I lost mine four years ago, not long before mother's day. At the time, DW wasn't in contact with her own mother after a falling out and seeing me lose my own Mum, prompted her to call hers and work things out.

I'll admit, there was a sting there because my grief was so raw, but I thought about how good it was that the woman I love was able to enjoy her time with her Mum while she was still alive and well.

I think the fact that your DH asked you shows that he cares and genuinely doesn't want you to be upset, but he also clearly loves his Mother and wants to spend what time he can with her. We never know which holiday or celebration will be our last.

Be gentle with yourself, OP. Take care.

Original poster

Lostmyway87 · 13/03/2026 19:34

Thank you for the kind replies, they have really helped. I don't think it would have stung so much if he'd at least discussed it first.
I'd have preferred that rather than it being brought up after it had all been arranged I think.
Thank you again🙂

OP posts:

PeonyPatch · 13/03/2026 19:39

I hate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day for these very reasons. They can be lonely and painful for people without them or have strained relationships. I don’t understand why we need a day to celebrate them. Shouldn’t that be every day, or even their birthdays.

PersephonePomegranate · 13/03/2026 19:44

He's going because his own mother won't live forever - he won't always have this opportunity.

Grief is hard - There are often painful reminders, but the world doesnt stop.

BoredZelda · 13/03/2026 19:47

He is not being thoughtless and insensitive this time. He realised it was difficult and discussed it with you rather than just blabbering on about going out with his mum. He is allowed to be with his mum on Mother’s Day.

Lomonald · 13/03/2026 19:51

I don't know obviously but maybe his mum prearranged and he felt awkward saying if you have had stuff going on maybe he didn't want to.upset you or want an arguement about it.

Eenameenadeeka · 14/03/2026 02:43

I'm sorry for your loss.
He approached it as kindly as he could by the sounds of it, letting you know before and not expecting you to host or attend. I don't think it would be fair for him or his Mum, to not see each other. Do you have children?

LBFseBrom · 14/03/2026 02:53

Are you a mother, Lostmyway? If you are and your children are at home I would have expected him to be at home with you. Alternatively for you all to go to mother-in-law's house and have a joint do.

I saw my mother in law on mothering Sunday after my mum died, it seemed quite normal. I used to host both of them.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 14/03/2026 07:18

I'm quite surprised at the answers. Do you have children OP. What are they doing mothers day. Is DH expecting you to be doing a day of parenting in his absence

sesquipedalian · 14/03/2026 07:34

OP, I’m sorry for your loss, and it really does take time to get over and come to terms with the death of a parent, especially if you were close to your DM. You could look at it that the death of your DM has made your DH realise that he should make the most of being able to see his DM. You say he was “looking nervous and awkward”, so he is not unaware of your feelings. If you can manage to go with him on Sunday, I would. I know it’s difficult, and you are still feeling very raw about the situation, but he is still his mother’s son and is clearly close enough to feel he wants to see her. It may be that his DM put him in a situation where it would have been difficult for him to refuse - either way, OP, don’t make him feel bad about it. It’s in no way a slight to you or your feelings about your DM.

Original poster

Lostmyway87 · 14/03/2026 10:09

Hi, just to answer the questions re children. No we don't have children together. I have 3 adult children who I will be spending time with.
Just to clarify, I would never have told him I don't want him to see his mother on Mother's Day, I'm just hurt that it was never suggested would I like him to stay with me, and that him disappearing for the afternoon was a done deal without even consulting me as to how I felt about it.
But like I say, we are in a very bad place at the moment, and a lot of that is down to his selfishness, and being very different people sadly. Thank you all for helping me see I projecting a lot of my own feelings into the situation. All your kind replies have been appreciated🙂

OP posts:

LilyBunch25 · 14/03/2026 10:12

I am sorry for your loss. I've lost both my parents and find these days difficult. However, my DH is 13 years older than me and very wonderfully still has both his 80+ parents. Although I find it hard I actively encourage him to make effort on Mothers Day, Father's Day, birthdays, because I feel it is so important to do so.

DameOfThrones · 14/03/2026 10:13

I'm so sorry you lost your mum OP, I know how hard that is

But yes, YABU.

As my late parents used to say, 'Life is for those left living'.

And he will have limited Mother's Days left with his own mother.

Spend the day with your adult children chatting about the lovely memories of your mum/their gran, and let your DH spend it with his, without being nervous or awkward.

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