Is it ever OK to give a gift with strings attached or AIBU?

[TowerRavenSeven]

Ds will be a recent University graduate and will be moving with his girlfriend for a job come end of summer. His girlfriend has a car, he does not. Her job will be a commuting job, his will be remote, but they are moving to a city without reliable public transportation (not UK). So he will be stuck without decent transportation.

As a graduation gift we’d like to give him a substantial amount of money to put towards a car, if he is going to buy one. We can afford this. For his undergrad we did also give him a substantial amount of money as we thought he’d buy a car with it, but later he decided he wanted to do his Masters (he got it paid) so he invested the money we gave him, which we were happy about.

Now he is really ‘flying the nest’ and we’d like to help him with buying a car IF he’s buying one. But how do we put it to him that if he doesn’t buy a car we’d give him substantially less? Frankly, instead of him investing it again, we’d like to put it towards his wedding (they are not engaged, but based on what info they have given us, I believe they will be in a few years).
AIBU?

Just ask him - would he like money for a car or towards the wedding. Or wait until he goes to buy a car and offer to contribute.

I don’t understand why you need to offer him money. Why not tell him you’d like to buy him a car instead and if he says no, thank you then that’s it. Or wait to see if he buys one for himself and then tell him you’d like to contribute to the purchase.

Why are you so keen for him to have a car?

Cant you just buy him a car? Does it have to be cash?

Well yeah. I'm not giving money if it's going to be wasted i'd rather give to charity. It's also motivates to make his own money

Just tell him you’d like to help him buy a car and either take him out looking or ask him to let you know when he’s found one. That’s what we did and money was paid directly to the garage

What if he doesn’t want a car?

my DS is in London and he rents a car when he needs one. Owning one would be a grade A prin in the ass

"Are you.buying a car? If you do, let us know and we'll give you some money towards it."

If he says no, I'd keep quiet about the wedding contribution until they tell you they're definitely getting married. Might be a bit of unwanted pressure at this point.

I would simply say this money is for a car if given. Perhaps facilitate a conversation prior to determine if he will actually be needing one? If not - hold onto the funds until he does 😊 maybe a smaller gesture until he really needs or wants it?

Does he actually want a car? I'd start there because maybe he doesn't.

You don't actually say if he wants a car or not? Waste of money having 2 cars when he WFH.

I have a family member thst does this. Offers money for something specific they think you should have. If you don’t want the thing, or would value something else more, no gift. It always felt manipulative to me.

As a result I really don’t like gifts with strings attached.

If you want to give him money, give him money. You can say “this is it, you won’t be getting more for a wedding etc in future so spend it wisely” but specifically dictating what it needs to be spent on is a bit controlling. Does he even want a car? A car is a terrible investment if it’s not useful to him.

If he's moving to Cairo, don't do it!
Scarey place to drive.

Why would he need a car? He works from home and after working hours he and his GF can share his car. And talk to him. Having a second cat that will be used sporadically is a huge waste. IF you are worried about him financing a car when he needs it, give him the cash with the proviso it goes into savings or investments until he wants to buy a car.

“DS if you decide to buy a car let us know and we can gift you some money towards it”

Then he can either buy a car or not. I wouldn’t give him money and say that’s only for a car because what if he’s now sat with money he can’t spend because he doesn’t want a car? I also wouldn’t tell him your going to gift money for a wedding when he’s not even engaged

Both points here are very good advice.

I'm super impressed that he invested the money you gave him, that's a sensible boy you have there!

YABU and a bit controlling. Does he even want a car?

I would decouple the graduation gift from the support to buy a car. Just give him the graduation gift and congratulate him on his success. And then, use one of the suggestions above to ask if he wants a car and offer to give him money towards it if he does.

Just tell him that when he’s ready to get a car, you’ll buy it/contribute towards it. Likewise if he gets engaged, tell him you’d like to contribute towards the wedding.

I don't totally get the logic. You don't think he frittered away the money you gave him before - you were happy with what he did - so it's obviously not the case you feel he's irresponsible with money. So why do you want to dictate what he buys?

I could understand that a car might be useful, but if he's moving to a new city he may not really know whether or not he'll get the use out of one, so may not be able to judge it yet.

This is yet another conundrum that could be easily solved by having a conversation! Just ask him if he's thinking of buying a car. It shouldn't require this much thought and angst.

I think it's a strange and controlling thing to do but my family are like this and it's led to a lot of bad feelings and paranoia over the years.
My parents: if we gave you £10k would you put it towards your student loan
Me: wow, thanks, no, there's no need I'm not over the repayment threshold yet but it would be life changing for a house deposit
Them: well you can't have anything then

Just bought my first house 20 years later having scrimped and saved up a 10k deposit myself while spending the amount of a whole house cost on rent.

They also did the same with a car, if we give you £5k will you buy a car. No, I live in a city with excellent public transport it would go towards a house deposit. Them: well you can have nothing then.

I accept absolutely nothing from them these days, and being given gifts or money by other people fills me with panic as I try to work out what strings are attached.

Give or don't give but be aware that attaching strings changes the dynamic and your relationship. I think you really should spend some time reflecting on why you want to attach strings to gifts like that and how you would feel if someone did the same to you.

Just wanted to answer a few questions. Ds will be moving to New England US and I don’t think that the public transportation will be all that good.

1). His girlfriend has a car and insurance. Ds does not have insurance, but does have his license. Therefore he cannot run errands, etc. without her. Most places in the US you need a car. You just can’t run down the street to the corner shop, the nearest grocery store might be three miles away.

2. His girlfriend will be working long hours. After a 9 or 10 hour day why should she have to stop off and run errands with her car if he could do this in between his work.

3. I’m not sure he wants a car, but in line with #1 and #2 above he might need one, unless he wants to be stuck in the apartment until she gets home from work. Wants to go to the library? Forget it, it will be an hour walk. Wants to get together with friends while she’s out with her friends? No, because the next bus comes in an hour and they are meeting up within the hour.

I like the idea of just asking him if he is going to get a car when he moves and see what he says. I asked him a few months ago and he wasn’t sure. It’s never been an issue up to this point because living in a University town he could just walk everywhere. But I wanted to come back and answer some people’s questions.

YABU - just buy him a car. Yes he will need one so it's a no brainer rather than all this dillydallying.