AIBU to think partner should act after 17-year-old moves out?

[RLEANna]

Hi, really hoping I can get some advice.

My partner and I have been together for 3 years, we don’t live together and won’t until all of our children are adults. He has 3 DC, their mum passed when they were very small. His DS is 18 and in Y13, then twin girls who are 17 in Y12. They aren’t from the uk and only moved here 4 years ago, his parenting style is quite different from my own which is partially why we haven’t moved in together.

One of his DDs, we will call her DD1 is a bit off the rails. She did okay in her GCSEs, she did really well in a few subjects but barely scrapped a pass in the rest. She is very intelligent and able she just didn’t want to apply herself at all. In the summer she started a relationship with a 19 year old, she met him through a friend (friends older siblings friend). She was only 16 at the time and the boy isn’t great, his parents pay for his studio flat, he doesn’t go to uni (dropped out), seems to be drunk most of the time. My partner decided to just let it happen. He feels his DD1 doesn’t respond to rules and actually pushes harder when she’s not allowed to do something, so he has taken a fairly permissive approach to parenting her. He isn’t like this with his other daughter who wouldn’t get away with half of what her sister does.

All of his children have part time jobs, he says what they do with what they earn is their own business and he won’t ask.

After starting Y12, he noticed cigarettes in her bedroom, she’s was frequently going out on weekend evenings and just not coming home until the next day and if she did come home she was drunk. She got a tattoo (won’t tell us where), was skipping school about once a week and just generally really messing about.

2 weeks ago she packed up most of her things and went to her boyfriends, she was the only one home at the time. She hasn’t come home since and has told her dad she is living with her boyfriend now. Since she stil goes to school with her siblings they have confirmed she’s been in every day, she doesn’t talk to her sister but talks to her brother, he says she’s fine but says she won’t be coming back.

Here is my issue, my partner hasn’t made attempt to get her to come home, he hasn’t gone over to this boys home, hasn’t informed the school etc. He claims he’s just going to let her get it out of her system, at some point she will miss having someone buy her clothes, cooking dinner and giving her extra money when she needs it and will want to come home naturally. He thinks forcing her home will be pointless.

My issue is, we already know she was drinking a lot, smoking/vaping and she is very very slim, often skips meals, so I think there is real concern about her well being. Especially living with some boy she’s only known 7 months or so.

I also don’t think he’s actually giving her any incentive to come home, he’s paying her phone bill, she took all her expensive tech and clothes, and he is still putting money into her account in case she needs food at school. He is still paying for her hobbies too (she goes to dance classes).

AIBU to be very concerned about this and to think he’s not actually doing anything to safeguard his child? Surely at the very least the school need informed?

Im going to be honest here, I appreciate people parent differently, and I understand that occasionally 'do nothing' is a legitimate approach, but it kind of sounds like its all 'do nothing' and not actively parenting here? Does he talk to her about things at all? What's he like with his other child?

Well when you say you have different parenting styles what you mean is he does not parent.

This is bizarre behaviour on his part and his version of “she’ll come home when she’s ready” may well feel to her like he doesn’t give a shit where she is what she does.

He is very close to his other daughter, lots of shared interests and would be able to tell you just about anything happening in her life. A little more distant with his son but with this daughter it’s like he barely recognises her as his own.

Apparently she was the most resistant to moving to the UK and they grew distant because of that and have never got it back.

What about discipline? The hard bits of parenting?
Is he a bit of a Disney dad?

Does he think she might not actually be his daughter? Where is her mother in all this?

It’s hard as he does discipline his other daughter, if her room is messy she isn’t allowed out until it’s clean, he has high expectations of her when it comes to school.

He just seems to have a very passive approach with one child and not the others, apparently she’s always been the “confident, argumentative and strong willed one” so arguing with her is pointless. He views it as impossible to discipline her, as she has a part time job, she has to go out to go to school so taking money away won’t change much and he can’t really stop her from going out and just not coming home.

I haven’t faced any of these issues as my kids are a bit younger.

They are twins so if one daughter is his it’s very likely both are!

Their mother passed away when they were 2/3.

She’s 17 so presumably will be 18 soon and free to do as she pleases. I don’t agree with his lack of parenting but I don’t think you should be getting involved unless there is reason to think she is particularly vulnerable eg mental health issues, exploitation etc. Smoking and moving in with her boyfriend aren’t great but aren’t illegal either.

So he has a designated 'good' twin and a 'bad' twin, but all the children went through the trauma of losing their mother when young.

And the 'bad' daughter isn't speaking to the 'good' one.

Did anyone help him raise them? Did he remove them from significant caregivers when moving them to another country? This would naturally be another trauma to children.

His mother helped raise them but she passed away 2 years before they moved to the uk.

The DD in question really didn’t want to move to the uk, apparently that is why their relationship fractured.

Hmm.

at 17 she’s legally able to move out and if she has a part time job then he is correct that cutting the money off won’t apply pressure (if he wanted to do that).

it’s very easy to parent imaginary kids and it’s even easier to parent teens who are not yours.

i have been through the baptism of fire that is trying to deal with a difficult teen and I have considerably more empathy now.

incidentally, safeguarding is about protecting children from abuse not stopping them doing anything remotely risky. It does not extend to forcing a 17 year old to eat proper meals and stop drinking.

I have twins. They do often get identity from being different to each other. I imagine one DD was always a bit more challenging and the other one 'good' and it just got more extreme. Also everyone is different and if she really didn't want to come here, I'm guessing her dad feels guilty so hasn't wanted to 'discipline' her. I think it's great she's still going to school so he's obviously done something right in bringing her up. I think the best he can do is to have some good conversations with her, take her out for a meal, show he cares without being demanding or controlling. Every person is different so I appreciate what works for one child won't work for another. He sounds like he knows her, and how best she'll respond, but it's also a bit detached and that is not good. He can be kind compassionate, and have some boundaries alongside properly engaging with her.

I think he’s taking the right approach imho.
Being harsh, cutting off funds, demanding she come home due to her being an arbitrary age of 17 not 18 would only make it more likely she would not eat out of stress, have less money to buy food and cover her bills, and less likely to view home as a safe space to come back to if things go south with her boyfriend.
The age gap 17 and 19 is nothing. At 16, he can’t force her to live anywhere she doesn’t want to.
She is at school every day and holding down a job. Sounds pretty successful to me.
Dad has her brother keeping tabs on her. I think it’s fine.

He's right. At her age, he cannot 'make' her do anything. He could stop giving her money but clearly he doesn't want to. Perhaps he's hoping that will keep her afloat without her having to resort to other means.

Really it's none of your business OP. You don't share a home, you don't share finances and you don't share children. You need to just let him get on with it.

I think he is right that forcing her home would be counter-productive. She already resents him for moving her to the UK. Trying to punish her would just drive her further away. What he needs to be doing is keeping the lines of communication open and maintaining a relationship with her as much as possible.

Whether she comes home or not, he should be supporting her to finish school and continue her education if that's what she wants. Yeah the drinking and smoking is not great, but staying in school and holding down a job are positives. He needs to keep talking to her, arrange to see her, keep a relationship going.

He needs to keep being supportive, door is open.
She will find her way.but is nearly 18 so he has no say

You might want to reread the OP

What do you expect him to do shes 17. Though if I was him I would stop paying for her she's either an adult or she's not

He cannot make her do anything. What he can do is support her and be there for her when she needs him