To wonder if you ever get used to loneliness?

[AnnEater]

I moved to the town I live in 30 years ago to flee a violent marriage. I had no choice but it cut contact with everyone in my old life for my and DS's safety. I was in a mess when I moved here and making friends was not something I was able to do. I'm not sure I even considered it at the time, I had so much on my plate making friends wasn't on my radar at all.

A couple of years later I met DH. We got married a year later and life has been lovely apart from one thing. I never did make friends here. I have no family. DH has no friends or family either. He is fine with this. About 20 years ago it started to dawn on me how lonely I was. And it's getting worse as I get older (I'm now 58).

I am disabled and don't work or get out much. I don't use social media as I don't have anyone to add on things like Facebook. I've accepted that I won't be making new friends, I honestly have no opportunity to do so. I tried talking to our neighbours but they're not interested really, apart from a quick hello. When we first moved here 10 years ago I asked one if she fancied popping in for coffee and she said she'd get back to me but she never did, and afterwards she seemed to avoid me.

My question is, is it unreasonable to think that I can make peace with my situation? How can I? Has anyone else managed it? I have a few hobbies that I do at home so I can occupy myself quite well, but I still miss conversations with others, especially other women. I love DH and we never stop talking but you know what I mean. I haven't had a conversation with anyone other than DH or DS (and doctors etc) for about 20 years. I've forgotten honestly what it's like to laugh with a female friend. DH has a job that he loves with people he likes and that gives him all the contact he needs I think. But I don't even have that. He doesn't socialise with them though, he keeps work very separate. We don't socialise at all apart from maybe going to the theatre or for a meal together a few times a year.

It's got so bad that when someone in a shop or at the hospital tries to have a small talk type of conversation with me I've forgotten how and I trip over my words or say something stupid, then spend the rest of the day analysing the stupid stuff I say and feeling awful. I used to have a lovely career and lots of friends in my early 20s, I can't believe I've ended up so socially inept and useless.

I see people out shopping with friends or family and hear DH chatting to colleagues when he works from home and I feel so sad. I can't change my situation but how can I come to terms with it?

How does your disability affect you? Could you do a voluntary job for a few hours a week? It is important for you to be doing something meaningful. Even if you cannot walk around. Could you do some training and volunteer for a helpline that supports lonely enemy people so you are phoning them regularly for a chat? There are probably lots of things you could do that would make you feel less lonely. You don't say your age either but it's there a local book club or lunch club you could get to to meet others

Thank you for your reply. I'm in a wheelchair a lot of the time so am fairly limited mobility wise. I have applied for lots of voluntary roles but they all need references which I don't have or they just don't get back to me. I applied for a phone befriending service last year but they didn't respond, somewhat ironically! I agree that it would be good to do something meaningful. I hate not feeling useful and like a burden on DH.

No local groups or anything like that AFAIK. I've accepted that I'm not going to be making friends, I think that opportunity has long passed. It's now to make my peace with it is the issue really.

Have you got as much PIP as you can? Adapted car, mobility scooter, ramps bus passes etc?

I don’t think you should have to get used to it, I think you should be able to participate in public life.

I’m disabled. Mostly in a wheelchair, and I don’t work any more as my illness is progressing.

I moved somewhere completely new two years ago for very very similar reasons.

what I have done:

spent a year being quite uncomfortable but putting myself out there. Went to all three of the churches in my village. Went to any coffee morning I could find. Found a random bloke in a wheelchair at one of them and he told me all about what’s around here for disabled people.

from him I found out about a wheelchair exercise class that I now go to and from that joined a free choir started in my area for new people.

honestly the going to all the churches and coffee mornings and whatnot was really quite excruciating at times but it did lead me onto friends.

I've accepted that I'm not going to be making friends

Well not with that attitude you won't.

Have you spoke to the gp about social prescribing.

Do you want to make friends op?

I’m not religious but ended up at a church Sunday morning service one time with my baby. It was one of those churches with a young vibe and the atmosphere was amazing. They were all the friendliest people I’d ever met. I didn’t end up going back again as I’m socially anxious and felt a tad embarrassed that I knew nothing on the Bible or anything. But it was lovely to know they are there.

Have you looked at U3A in your area OP?
There’s usually a choice of seated activities within - eg I just joined the Rummikub board game locally - just to meet people.

I understand what you mean about talking to people - if I’ve been alone at home for 4 days and not seen or spoken to a soul, I’ve been shocked to find that my voice is going - though lack of use. if the phone rings I’ve been shocked at how poor my voice sounds…..muscles, lack of use I guess.

Coffee mornings, local library, village hall, church hall, start small and expand on that.

OP I run a meetup group and can tell you that you have to make an effort to change things. You can't just expect lots of new friends out of nowhere with minimal effort. There will be lots of things in your area you could try. Find them and persevere. I appreciate your disability is going to make things harder for you.. totally get that but there will be things, just keep looking.

Social media can also be a good way, with local groups and events. What are your interests? Do you like crafts? There's always loads of craft groups and they are often in accessible places like libraries etc.

Try bumble and Facebook for friends not dating.

Have a look into Meetup as well.

Hope you find some friends.

Are there any hobbies you could do that are online? I know it's not ideal to be on a screen but I joined a writing course pre-pandemic. A few of us started a writing group and stayed in touch. We are all over the UK and in some cases other countries. We have since met up and even did a short writing retreat. Most of the time we just meet on Zoom and talk about all sorts. I consider them all good friends.

Perhaps focus on doing the hobbie and then if the friendship follows, great but if not, it's OK.

I’ve made peace with it - by changing my mindset and accepting this is it now, rather than always hoping for it to change . I am also socially isolated, no family and have no friends . Also stemming from leaving an abusive relationship .
Now I’m in my 50s - I’ve had my time . I used to love being sociable but there’s no point pining after the past .
I always found it hard to gel with a lot of females anyway - think my old hobbies were more male, was never into stereotypical girls
stuff .

Is there a local library? They often have things going on and also know about what is going on locally that might suit you. What hobbies do you occupy yourself with - maybe some of those can be done in a group. We have craft and knitting groups near me as well as art groups.

I've said this before but I really wish we could give some real advice (ideally evidence based) for people that are stuck living with loneliness that is either long term or that may never be resolved on how best to manage it.

I think trying to keep yourself occupied with hobbies and interested in something is probably the next best thing here OP.

You could use Facebook to join social groups that interest you. I know a lady who is very similar but never remarried and had no social circle.
She joined facebook and posts regularly on photography pages and local community groups and has made connections that way