I feel like I ruined my sons life by having him [long post warning]

[TidalTheory]

Trying to keep this brief so peolle will actually read . But also don’t want to drip feed, im also dyslexic so sorry if this is all over the place

My son turned 15 at the end of Jan. I had him at 16 and my mum wanted me to have an abortion. I refused so she kicked me out

Age 6 he was diagnosed with ADHD after school referred him, he’s not currently on meds as he refuses but has taken Elvanse throughout his life but he hasn’t solidly for quite a while now. Then when he was 7 my younger son was born (now 7 himself).

He was also diagnosed dyslexic at some point but he was a happy child and did ok at school etc, in year 7 we sent him to a local all boys school (state). He seemed to do okay, he was on the school football team and we got him into an outside of school football team and kick-boxing to burn off energy/calm him down as he did show some aggression at times so we wanted to work on his anger on more positive ways if that makes snes e

He stopped seeing his dad shortly after he turned 13, I got him into a new school a mixed school this time mostly so his dad didn't turn up at the school as he has/had PR, his friend that he grew up with (I'm friends with her mum) attends that school so he was happy

Everything seemed to be going well but a few months into being at the school I got a phone call from someone at the school, he had been self harming - not in school but they saw the marks during PE, turns out he’d been doing it for a year since he was 12 but couldn't tell me why and I felt awful at not noticing. Took him to the GP and they were useless and fobbed us off as “hormones”, DS hadn't even started puberty then! But they did refer him to CAMHS but not urgently as he said he wasn't suicidal

We moved house last year previously the boys were sharing a room but now they have their own room. Ds totally changed and started hanging around with some older boys who would hang around the locks park.

He stole vodka from home and drank it straight to try and impress them previously he had never drank - he was 14. He ended up in hospital but was fine physically and put him off for a few months because of how unwell he felt but since turning 15 he’s started again. We took his phone for a few months.

He fell out with one of his new friends (was his gf) because she was on her period and leaked on his bed and he called her disgusting etc and that’s not the boy i brought up. I found that out from his mum and the other friends in the friendship group are reluctant to hang around with him.

During the time he had no phone he started walking the neighbours dog that was the only positive thing he was doing and he got £5 a time from the neighbour

But also during summer he started smoking weed with the older bunch, quit football + kick-boxing and seemed really withdrawn. In september he refused to go to school and he attempted suicide by taking an overdose but i don’t think he really wanted to die as he told us what he’d taken.

CAMHS saw him. They did nothing and refused to give him anything, just offered counselling which he had at 13 after he stopped seeing his dad and hated it and refused after a few sessions.

Since then he’s been on a downward spiral of drinking and weed and messing around on the days he goes into school, he’s been put on report and it’s a nightmare. Other days he doesn’t go at all and says he feels sick. He’s snappy with us and his brother, his brother still wants to get in his bed sometimes as he used to when they were sharing a room and DS previously didn’t mjnd but now he’s being quite horrible to him.

He went out this evening after an argument about his behaviour again at school, I called him at about 8:30 and he sounded drunk tbh and refused to come home yet he said he will when he wants to.

He just messaged me saying he likes boys, i’ve told him it’s fine but to come home, would you bring it up when he’s home? And at what point do I call the police? Any other advice would be appreciated too I feel like i’ve ruined his life just by having him

You haven't ruined his life by having him. You clearly care about him and love him and want to do right by him.
If he told you he likes boys then I would say that's something he wants you to know about, at least on some level. So definitely talk with him about it, but if you suspect he's been drinking wait until he is sober.
He is still young and quite vulnerable because of that. Do you know roughly where he is? I personally would give it till day midnight and then tell him if he didn't come home I was phoning the police as I was worried. I have no idea if that's the "right" thing to do though. At least he has just texted you so you know he is OK (if drunk) right now.
Is We you and his stepdad? Do they have a decent relationship generally or is there friction? Is it possible to find some time to concentrate on just you and him hanging out, or if he rejects that him and his stepdad/another male role model. Not even to talk about his behaviour or issues but just time to decompress/quality time. Of course, being a teenager he might completely reject that anyway.
I am sure others will be along with better advice on the drinking/self harm/behavioural issues but I just wanted to say from reading your OP you sound like a decent mother and I don't believe you ruined his life.

Thanks for your reply, he’s likely at the park but i don’t have his location so i don’t 100% know

Yes it’s me, his stepdad (thiugh we’re not married) and my younger son. DS and my partner do get on well and they go to football together but even he is at a loss as he won’t talk to either of us and most conversations turn into arguments plus i’m trying to keep my youngest safe/shield him in a way but he doesn’t understand why his brother has changed either

You sound like such a loving mother, honestly, you're doing great.

Thank you I appreciate that

He confided in you about liking boys which is great. My only concern if I were in your position would be the swift change in behavior and whether he has had any unpleasant experiences with other boys or men. So I’d want to speak to him about it being absolutely fine and not really a big deal liking boys, as well as talking about what good relationships look like and allow an opening for any disclosures of bad experiences.

"he won’t talk to either of us and most conversations turn into arguments"

That part is very normal and part and parcel of teenagers. For sure, when there is other stuff going on, (the self harm, the suicide attempt etc) then it makes it much harder to address because he isnt talking to you. But that bit is unfortunately normal teenager stuff and in no way a reflection of your parenting. Even if you can't have conversations that don't turn into arguments, I do think having non pressured interactions (like going to football with his stepdad) are really worthwhile just in terms of keeping the lines of communication open and making him feel a part of the family. Even if no talking about stuff takes place. And it's more than some parents get from their teenagers. So I would continue to make time for or facilitate that as long as he's still happy to do it. If he is unhappy/stressed than time spent occupied on something else is a sort of relief valve.

I can understand your concern about his brother and not being exposed to too much negativity. Again, I think separating the specific issues from what's normal is tricky. It is normal for older brothers to find their younger siblings annoying and the not wanting his brother in his bed/in his bedroom is completely reasonable although of course hurtful for your younger son. Snappiness is normal and can be explained as "your brother needs some space right now" etc, whereas outright aggression (I don't mean physical but say your older son starting arguments with his brother out of nowhere or just being horrible for no reason) is something I would be more keen to shield the younger one from. But an older sibling wanting space from their younger sibling is normal as is a younger child seeing a teenager act stroppy although of course it's not ideal.

Sounds very very difficult for you all.
If I was able to, I’d move away from the area where he’s met these people who sound like a bad influence. Somewhere quiet where he can’t get himself in trouble. Just for the few years till he’s an adult. He’s on a downward trajectory at the moment & drastic measures needed. Sometimes just being there for him isn’t enough.

Is he home op? Sounds like hes acting out due to confusion over his sexuality? I would speak to him tomorrow in private about this

I do plan on talking to him, when he was at the all boys school a close friend of his came out as gay to everyone which was quite brave but he did experience bullying and DS was known to laugh along but apart from that they were good friends but unfortunately they don’t talk anymore since ds is at another school. I don’t even know if ds would’ve known he liked boys then (if that’s the case) and he did have a gf for about a year but then DS was horrible to her and she broke up with him last summer and since then he’s drifted from all his friends as they were apart of the same freindship group so don’t want to know him

Obviously this isn’t ideal but when I was his age I self harmed and was drinking and trying weed, as was my brother (don’t think he self harmed but I honestly don’t know). I also overdosed trying to kill myself, but honestly now I’m an adult I didn’t want to die, it was for attention. I am now totally fine, as is my brother. Not all teenagers do things like this and it’s definitely not “normal”, but it’s not that abnormal. He definitely needs help and support from a professional, but lots of teens go through really difficult phases and then come out fine. You’re doing fine, you didn’t ruin his life by giving birth to him. Your primary job now is getting him support. Go out and find him, bring him home and maybe talk to him about being gay in the morning- just reassure him it’s fine either way.

As for his little brother getting into his bed and him being horrible… you need to get his little brother to stop that. He’s a teenager that’s not fair on him, I was snappy when my younger cousins used to do stuff like this. Teenagers are awkward about their bodies.

As I read your post I thought it sounded like DS was wrestling with some trauma that was showing up in all the behaviours you described. It is such a credit to you as a Mum that he has now shared what has been upsetting him. Give him tons of love and reassurance to keep that communication open and flowing. I’m going to really hope and wish that this is a happy turning point 🌅

Unfortunately we can’t move again due to schools etc, we only moved last May due to it not being ideal the boys sharing for much longer even though they didn’t really complain apart from eldest being a bit embarrassed with friends round and thomas the tank stickers etc onthe wall but apart from that he didn’t really care and it was a big adjustment for them to have separate rooms and yes we are trying to get youngest to stop getting into his bed it’s not every night but if he has a bad dream or something he automatically goes to him because that’s what he used to do even though ds only had a single bed. he didn’t wake eldest though.

He’s still not home i messaged him and said if he doesn’t come home soon i’ll call the police and he just replied to leave him alone (spelt incorrectly so he is likely drunk). It’s been raining loads so he’s likely soaked and he does have a habit of going to this wooded area which i don’t like him going to even in the daylight as it’s overgrown etc and you don’t know who’s around so i’d hope he isn’t there at this time of night

There will be a children and young people’s substance use service where you are and even if your son doesn’t wish to engage, there should be support available to you/s and your other son

I think I would call the police to try and look for him in the wooded area.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The worry must be off the scale💐

If youre in the NW op that rain and wind is horrific. Can your partner go and look for him?

We are in the NW, he got home just after midnight and he was soaked and freezing. He was shouting and swearing at us to leave him alone and he vomited so wasn't in any state to talk to us he hadn't really eaten much yesterday.

Partner stayed with him which ds wasn't happy with but in the end he went to sleep and woke up asking for toast at 5am ate it and went back to sleep and is still asleep now

I just don’t know what to do about him

At least he's safe for now. Wait till he's sobered up and awake and then have a talk.

I just keep thinking about how I should’ve pushed harder when I was being fobbed off by the GP about the self harm just being hormones, maybe I should’ve pushed for an urgent CAMHS refferal but after the suicide attempt they weren’t mucu help. Maybe I should’ve pushed harder to stop his dad getting access as he barely saw him until he was about 5 but then he was awarded EOW and made out it was me stopping him from having contact

bump

I've been pushy - had to be just to get the referral, CAMHS were still of no help! They did eventually offer counselling, but also advised we didn't take them up on it as we were paying for counselling and DS had already built a relationship with that counsellor.

You could look at what charity run services are available near you, Barnardo's might be a good start. If your council has a family advice line they'll be able to signpost you as well.

Try not to ruminate on what ifs, it’s totally futile. You’re only able to do so much as a parent, his environment / teen culture has a huge impact on him. You did the best you could regarding his father but ultimately that’s out of your control to.

You need to focus on the here and now. Your partner staying with him and getting him toast at 5am is lovely. Your son may have been out last night getting drunk because of the shame he feels over admitting his sexuality. He was laughing at his friend previously who came out so a huge part of him sees this as very shameful, it’ll be huge to him.

The trouble is, if the support just isn't there because CAHMs is so underfunded, there is very little you as a parent could have done no matter how much you care. It's a horrible situation but it isn't your fault. The GPs attitude is terrible but also not your fault. And legally you weren't allowed to stop the other parent seeing their child.

If you can afford it and you think he would benefit from therapy you could try to fund it yourself. It shouldn't be like that but that's the way it is. But at least (even though it may not feel like it) he is more willing to talk to you than some teenagers. The fact he texted you about liking boys, and actually the fact he did come home shortly after you told him you would be calling the police. I know it seems like small comfort now but the closeness and communication lines are still there as a family.

When he was 13 he did have counselling after he stopped seeing his dad but he didn’t think it was helping and he didn’t want to talk about his dad which they sort of pushed because that was the reason he was referred so he stopped going after a few sessions

It just doesn’t seem like normal behaviour, he stopped doing his homework and started refusing to go to school last year from around March time and gradually started being nocturnal as he’d be on his phone all night and sleep all day and obviously be tired for school so refuse and say he was anxious and felt sick etc. The sleep got worse during the summer and then he quit football and kickboxing which he loved, it’s just like he’s gradually getting worse. He is going to school now but he messes about and becomes the class clown trying to make everyone laugh so he’s been put in report and still doesn’t do homework i think school has given up punishing him for that tbh because the detentions clearly don’t do anything. Other days he refuses

I spoke to him earlier about the message and he said it wasn’t him and refused to talk about it because “there nothing to talk about”

Why did he stop seeing his dad at age 13? That's quite a loss if he'd been in his life for thirteen years, so I wonder if that's contributed too?

But yes absolutely I guess he's experiencing a lot of confusion and fear about his sexuality and how others will treat him (having seen another gay friend be bullied by other lads)

You sound like a lovely mum. The teen years are HARD.. for them and us!!