AIBU to feel school DSL asked leading questions about my parenting?

[Justswanningabout]

Il try keep this brief because theres alot.

I discovered my 13 year old had self harmed last Tuesday night after confiscating her phone. She experiences complete overwhelm with school and truants. I confiscated her phone last Tuesday checked it and discovered some concerning apps prompting me to ask to see her arm and discovered the cuts.

I immediately notified her school and have since been taking her daily having almost daily meetings. (I have been consistently raising my concerns everytime she truants, does a behaviour out of character but she's a quiet child at school who isnt on the radar so iv come across as an overbearing parent). Now they are realising I was trying to be proactive to prevent this crisis. Twice I have had to physically dress her in her school uniform and Iv informed the school both times so they was aware exactly of her issues and the effort I was putting in to make sure she got to school so I could be assured she was safe whilst I was at work (that is a different issue).

Her DSL called me yesterday to ask if her dad was aware. I explained he wasnt as my daughter had requested to not inform him plus our relationship is strained (his choice, iv tried but he wont engage).

Her DSL said she would notify him. I asked if she could seek my daughters consent first and ask if she wanted me to tell him or her DSL to allow her some control over choices as she didnt have control over attending school. Her DSL approached my daughter yesterday and asked for consent and my daughter told her she didnt want him to know. Her DSL then said she was telling him anyway and didn't give her a choice.

Today I dropped her in and my daughter was extremely disengaged and they finally offered her access to the breakaway area for SEN children to work away from the classroom.

During this my daughter overheard the DSL talking to the breakaway staff explaining that I had been dressing her and that I hadnt informed her dad. Then her DSL was heard saying 'im divorced and I tell my kids dad everything even if I give them paracetamol'.

The thing that was concerns me most is the DSL spoke to my daughter and said its just not good that your mom's having to dress you. Does it hurt when she dresses you. My daughter replied no. Then her DSL said is she gentle then?

I work in education. I understand safeguarding is paramount but I've never hidden anything from the school as I believe in the home school partnership and know the more details they know the more they can gauge a picture to support my daughter.

I feel like the DSL has judged me and actively tried to encourage a response from my daughter to support her views. Maybe my ex has painted a picture of me on the phone last night or maybe based off her own judgement.

Am I overanalysing thinking the DSL has asked leading questions or is this standard practice?

Sorry this was long, I promise this is the short version

It's certainly not ideal that your daughter overheard the DSL speaking about you. That's not good.

Can I ask why you're having daily meetings with school? As in, what is the goal of the meeting ? This might explain what the DSL's angle is perhaps.

Difficult to know how to respond to this - you must understand that physically dressing a 13 year old (providing she is able bodied and well) is very unusual, and open to different interpretations.

If I became aware of this happening to a child I worked with, I would certainly have questions, as it's hard to imagine how it happens.

Does she stand there passively while you button her shirt and do her tie, for example? (I have been so depressed in the past on occasion that I can imagine needing this level of help to get myself ready).

Or are you physically forcing her into her clothes?

Basically I suppose the question is, is she consenting to your help getting dressed, or are you forcing her to?

If it's the latter, I am afraid that does sound inappropriate and abusive.

It is the DSL'a job to determine whether your daughter is at risk of harm/being harmed. It's therefore totally appropriate that she asks enough questions to ascertain what is happening.

And as it's a weird situation, phrasing those questions would not be easy.....

I honestly don't think the DSL is at fault here. Surely you want her to care enough about your daughter's well-being, to ask questions to ascertain whether she is safe?

I don't know what a DSL is, but I'm guessing its some kind of SEN/support role? I'm afraid they will have to ask questions to find out why your daughter is so unwell she is self harming. School may be overwhelming, but a professional can't just take your word for that. School refusal, truancy and self-harm can all be signs of something else being wrong, rather than school itself being the problem. I imagine they will ask questions around home life, the kinds of social media your daughter engages with, friends and bullying, her relation with you and her dad. Its awful, but its necessary so that a child doesn't slip through the gaps.

Sadly even those who have been trained are still judgy and unprofessional sometimes.
It is tough. They’ve to consider every child so treat it accordingly where as you are rightly solely concerned about your own child.
I might be biased as I have a meeting with the school tomorrow. Box ticking exercise. 🤐

I think it stands for Designated Safeguarding Lead

If her dad has PR doesnt he have the right to be informed by the school?

I think you put the dsl in an impossible situation asking that she ask dd about telling her dad. Of course she was going to say no then dsl is the bad guy.

And yes dsl has to query her about your dressing her.

If shes emotional in the car I ask reception if theres anyone available to check in with her. This then results in the DSL coming down and speaking with me in the meeting room with the exception of yesterday I was walking her into school and the DSL was waiting for me on the carpark and asked if she could chat with me

I’d imagine the young person should have a say in who is told their private information at 13. She could for example probably refuse to have her medical Records shared at that age. The fact the DSL has done it anyway is going to damage any trust your daughter has with the school. I’d be fucking furious about his.
sadly you’ll find that in trying to advocate for your 13 year old (saying not to contact dad, dressing her) you could be deemed a danger- so it’s time to let nature take its course. If she doesn’t want to get dressed she doesn’t go in, that’s the bottom line. You can’t win but you can loose less badly. And you could take her to GP for them to assess if she is Gilick competent, if you have an understanding gp that is. I think it’s beyond appalling this woman shared her info against her expressed wishes.

I agree with a lot of your post, but I read it as OP wants her daughter in school where she knows other adults are in loco parentis so she can go to work and be less worried that if she were to leave her teenager home alone.

The DSL has absolutely broken the girl's trust and whether anyone condones that or not, speaking about the DD within earshot was hugely unprofessional and I would ask to speak to the head.

@ASandwichNamedKevin absolutely, but the system will punish the mother for pushing too hard to get her in. She’s damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t.

Imagine the opposite scenario where school hold serious information about your DD but didn’t tell you because she didn’t want you to know. Would you be ‘oh that’s ok, she’s entitled to her privacy’ or would you be furious at being kept in the dark?

When it's a safeguarding issue, legally we have to inform parents and we don't require a child's consent. Anyone under the age of 18 - parents have to be involved. Unless there's a court order in place for a parent not to be contacted, school has to inform both parents whether the child or other parent likes it or not. We don't have a choice. The other parent can sue if they aren't kept informed while they have legal parental responsibility.

The DSL should be careful what she's saying in earshot of your daughter, absolutely, but I don't think she's being unprofessional or asking leading questions.

It isn't good that you're having to dress her. I don't think the DSL is wrong in saying that to your child. It's not something the school would be supporting, is it? No 13 year old - unless they're severely physically disabled - should be being dressed by a parent. They need bodily autonomy and privacy at that stage of puberty and it's not a normal thing for a parent to be doing to an able bodied child. I'd be massively concerned about that if a student told me their parent was dressing them in the morning. I'd definitely be asking follow up questions to ascertain the situation.

Unfortunately some abusive parents try to mask their abuse in concern and oversharing with the school. As someone who works in education, you should know this. We always have to think of the worst case scenario and follow up any potential concerns or suspicions. The DSL is doing their job to keep your daughter safe.

It sounds like you're going through a very difficult time and you need support. Throwing accusations around about the DSL is not going to help. Please just let them do their job. Honestly, as a secondary school teacher of 15 years' standing, the awful abuse I've had disclosed to me from children from seemingly lovely, normal parents is something I'd never have believed until I experienced it. Don't take it personally. The school is doing their job in asking the right questions to keep your child safe.

At some point, it’s up to the young person, I don’t think 13 is unreasonable.

Parents have a responsibility to have healthy relationships with their kids, if the young person doesn’t want you to know about their life, you need to think deeply about why that is. Personally I would be horrified if my sons school had shared information against his will at that age.

What do you mean by “sometimes parents mask abuse in concern?” And “over sharing with the school?”

I’m not sure what’s difficult to understand here - parents who are emotionally or physically abusive can try and pull the wool over the school’s eyes by reporting that their child is mentally unwell, is harming themselves, etc in order to paint a picture that the child is the one with the problem if any signs of abuse are discovered. They are constantly on the phone or at school sharing their concern to try and convince the school they are a wonderful caring parent with a problem child so that it’s the child who becomes seen as the problem and not them.

I had a case once where a parent was claiming the child was mentally unwell, a pathological liar, a self harmer, they didn’t know what to do with them etc - and it turned out after much investigation and a lot of work with the child that the parent was being emotionally and physically abusive. They knew we could see the bruises and they had terrified the child into convincing us that they were doing it to themselves. The parent wanted us to believe the child couldn’t be trusted so that they would get away with what they were doing.

This is why schools have to question everything. If you don’t work with kids and you’re a decent person, it can be very difficult to even imagine what some parents can be capable of doing to their kids.

@Justswanningabout why wasn’t your daughter on the school’s radar already, if you were previously calling about her truancy, quiet girl or not, this seems odd?

DSL’s have a limitation to their confidentiality, whereby they will only inform others of the situation where it could possibly help the child. In this case, they believe her Dad knowing the full picture of his child’s situation is a necessity. They have to get to the bottom of what’s causing the child’s behaviour and therefore need both parents onboard.

Unfortunately OPs thread did initially read like this.

Just realised I never replied. When dressing my daughter she was always given dignity. Blanket over her whilst I dressed her so I didnt see anything. Id ask her to lift her bum or sit up and she'd comply. It wasn't a case of me contorting her body against her will. If she refused then I would give up and I wouldn't dress her. I completely understand the safeguarding principals. This is also the same child that asked me to look at her bum when she got stretch marks due to her body changing and asks me to check her bra sizing when she needs new bras.

I understand that parents cover up abuse but that is not whats happening here. I am just trying to keep my daughter safe.