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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to asks how people manage to get away?

5 replies

Patriciathestripper1 · 12/03/2026 19:55

Aibu to ask how people get away from an abusive marriage?
to cut a long story short I’m in a mess. I know now my husband is a narcissist (I’ve researched it extensively) and I’m annoyed with myself as I’ve let him cut me off from everyone. I’ve been married to him for 20 years, with him for 28. Our daughter (19) escaped to uni this year. When she was a baby, he moved away to a different country to live what has turned out to be a rural nightmare, because it was his dream to bring up his child in the countryside . After a lot of rows (when my daughter moved up to secondary school) I was allowed to get a part time job and he makes sure a use every penny on shopping every week.
I have managed to put away bits here and there over the years and have a very small amount of savings (we are talking a couple of hundred). He is always saying he has no money but manages to buy alcohol every weekend. (He runs his own business)
I’m sat typing this in the fading light as he switched off the electricity because I asked him not to take a bar of chocolate I had bought for our daughter out of a box I’d put together for her , so he launched into a big rant about how if he can’t have that, as he pays the electricity bill I’m not allowed to use the electricity.
I would love to know how other women get out of these situations as I’ve tried to get full time work but there isn’t much where I live, and rent on property is around €1500 a month. How do people do it? I feel defeated at this point.

we dont own our house, we rent so no assets either to split.

OP posts:
whatdoyouactuallymean · 12/03/2026 19:57

ROI I'm guessing? You go to your council for advise and keep pushing until you get it. Council housing list, rental credits, emergency payments.

Best of luck OP. ❤️

Abd80 · 12/03/2026 20:04

So sad reading this, sending so much love. You sound like you’re ready to break free!
Where are you based and have you contacted women’s aid for help and support and formulating a plan to leave him ?

BudgetBuster · 12/03/2026 20:04

As PP said, is it ROI?
If so there is a great women's resource centre (I think its called Safe Reach or something similar - I'll double check and update).

They work with you over a period of time on an escape plan. They'll help you with council meetings to get you housing, work with you to squirrel away finances, an actual plan for leaving (what to do and when).

They can often get you funding for a house rental deposit or things like that too.

I'm sure other regions would have similar resources.

youalright · 12/03/2026 20:16

Contact your family. If you was my family member even if we hadn't spoken in years I would welcome you back with open arms

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 12/03/2026 20:25

Please tell your family. Even if they are estranged, tell them. At this point, you have nothing to lose. Or one of the mum's you knew when your daughter was at school. Even if they were just a acquaintance, tell them. If you really can't reach out, speak to the local equivalent of Women's Aid. If you are in REI, as someone has suggested, you have local services. Take what money you have, or can get hold of. Get in the car or on the bus. Get away from him.

https://www.womensaid.ie/

Women's Aid - Listening. Believing. Supporting. Empowering.

Listening. Believing. Supporting. Empowering.Women’s Aid is a national, feminist organisation working to prevent and address the impact of domestic violence and abuse since 1974.

https://www.womensaid.ie

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