Us as parents VS our own parents

[meowz]

Controversial topic alert.

I'm probably U, but am a bit down. Anyway, here goes. I feel like despite all I have tried to do for my kids (while not pretending to be parent of the year by any means), they blame me for everything, cut me off, refuse to speak to me, do the exact opposite of what I suggest, even if it harms their own prospects etc etc etc. Zero appreciation for the love, time, effort, money and tears invested over the years.

Whereas my boomer parents seem to have waltzed merrily into independent retirement full of hobbies and pursuits without looking back, not blaming themselves for any of the often dodgy 1980s childrearing methods, no guilty 'I love yous' or 'you will always have a home here if you wish' to get on my good side. If anything I'm the one to call them to check in, although more often than not they're busy or if I call to offload about my kids I have to get in quick before they start about their plants/dogs/dance lessons.

Is this a generational thing? AIBU?

Ah well as a boomer parent with children of 27/31 and a mother of 89, I'm not quite sure what you are on about.

Is it that you have late teen/early 20ish DC and are still doing the hard yards whilst their philosophical views catch up with their experience? And because you are doing the hard yards still you resent your parents' retirement and independence that you don't think they deserve?

My children were 90s parented. I hope they don't feel as short changed and resentful of their boomer parents as you.

My mother was independent. At 89 she barely is. Be glad for your parents whilst you have the chance.

Love from a Boomer.

Your parents probably parented a damned sight better than you did.

Not a boomer but detest the way it is used as an ageist insult.

Yeah this is nothing to do with boomers or generations. I’m in my 30s, my parents were born in early 60s so classed as boomers. And you sound exactly like my mother.

do the exact opposite of what I suggest, even if it harms their own prospects etc etc etc. Zero appreciation for the love, time, effort, money and tears invested over the years.

This sounds exactly like something she would say, she expects us to do as she suggests because she’s so convinced she knows the right way to do things and gets stroppy and considers us ungrateful because we choose to do things our way. She’s used emotional blackmail to guilt us into listening to her by reminding us of everything she gave up for us. Whereas with my children I see it as I chose to have them, they don’t owe me anything. It’s my responsibility to give them a good life because I wanted to be a parent, they don’t have to be forever grateful for that.

If your children have gotten fed up of emotional blackmail and guilt trips then good for them.

No that’s not generational it’s individual.

I was born in the 70s to older parents who treated me wonderfully. My own children are now adults and I have never experienced treatment that you have.

Why should they 'blame themselves' for the 1980's dodgy childrearing methods? Things were certainly different back then and lots of things that parents did back in the 80's would horrify todays parents, but back then it was just perfectly normal and everyone did it.

Your parents seem to have been able to parent, and then let go a little from that responsibility and enjoy the next stage of their lives. Do you resent them for that? My parents did pretty much the same thing. They raised us, as kids in the 80's, and then let us become our own adults.

However I have raised two DD's who are now both adults and have been able to do the same as my parents did. Mine have not blamed me for anything or cut me off, we still have great relationships so no, I am not sure it is a generation thing.

It's individual, I'm fifty something, my daughters aren't rude, we get on mostly well and respect each other. My parents are happy doing their thing, I have a great relationship with them too.

I think our generation as parents (myself included) have gone too far the other way and are in some ways offering too much support and not enough building independence. Its a hard balance to strike as that level of support is now the norm, and there is benefits but there are also downsides of lowered resilience in the next generation.
I think its also just human nature for teenagers and young adults to blame their parents and upbringing for things.

Maybe your DC need a bit less direction and a bit more impartial support and listening, without your input which can be perceived as criticism and control at their current stage?

Try asking how they are doing without giving advice unless they ask for it, or talking about your own interests to get a natural conversation going which isnt revolving around them and their choices which can feel like more of an interrogation than a conversation to some at that age.

I think modern parenting styles have a tendency to teach children that they are the centre of the universe and that they have a right to expect perfection from their parents.

For all its faults, parenting prior to the end of the last century was about children being members of a family, not the centre of it. And that good parenting was about teaching your children to fend for themselves and leave the nest, whereas now parents are expected to smooth out any difficulties in their children's paths and continue "parenting" them into their 20s and beyond.

It's not just you, it seems to be a common phenomenon.

This is what I was trying to get at.

I don't think my advice for my kids is anything U but to focus on education, pass their exams and not spend every free minute looking at AI slop on a screen.

I worry what kind of future they will have whereas my parents didn't seem bothered in comparison.

I think that the main difference in the way my "silent generation" parents brought me up and the way I brought up my children is that my father was much less involved in my upbringing compared to DH.

On first read, your post comes across as: My children are ungrateful to me. My parents were shit; I'm ungrateful to them too.

What I've seen expressed before is that when we were kids, all the emphasis was on the adults, and the kids had to shut up and fit in. Now we're adults, the emphasis is on the kids and the parents are somehow supposed to devote themselves to the kids. We seem to have got the shitty end of both deals.

Not sure that quite reflects my own experience either, to be honest. But there is some truth in it.

I'm a seventies child and although I have raised my teenage children to be independent (and compared to their friends they are) they are nowhere near as independent as I was at their age. That said my best friend when I was a teen wouldn't even catch a bus on her own and her dad was still driving her to work in her early twenties so maybe it just depends on the parents.j

This is it in a nutshell. I know I’ve been guilty of it myself. Never allowing them to fail, struggle or be in any kind of difficulty without stepping in. It’s really not helpful. When this generation of young people reach adulthood I fear there’ll be a huge backlash against current parenting styles.

I think the “boomer” generation (what other word should we use?) was very much hands off/dc left to get on with it as that was the norm.

A lot of us boomer dc have raised our dc differently because again society has changed.

N.B I am generalising!!!

What I've seen expressed before is that when we were kids, all the emphasis was on the adults, and the kids had to shut up and fit in. Now we're adults, the emphasis is on the kids and the parents are somehow supposed to devote themselves to the kids. We seem to have got the shitty end of both deals.

We need a middle ground!

The word boomer is only ever used in a negative derogatory way.

Of course it all depends what age you have children.
I'm officially "boomer" born to parents who were born pre WWII. My children were born in the late 90s.
I think it's fair to say their upbringing was a million miles from mine.
My parents were very hands off, uninvolved, hardly ever there. We were on the periphery of their lives not the centre.
My DC had every advantage I could give them but more importantly our time.
They are great young people now and we have a good relationship.

Your relationship with your children is nothing to do with boomer or not.

Obvs this is another made up goady post so no idea why I'm biting. But, if you're a nice human and your children are not, doesn't it suggest that actually 80's parenting was a million times better than yours?

The word boomer is only ever used in a negative derogatory way.

Thats not true. it also describes a particular generation, again what word would you prefer?

I'm officially "boomer

No shit 😆😆

Not generational.

i’m very aware that despite trying to be a good mum I have let my kids down on a couple of really key points. This is largely due to the fact I became disabled due to an accident.

two things can be true at once - I tried my best and I let them down.

Like it ir not, there IS a generational factor. In the 70s we played out all day, and had a lot of freedom that later generations didnt have. A the same time my parents never discussed things like sex (except to say you must NOT until married) and weren't interested in my teenage angst! Whereas I am very open with my dc and they tell me a lot, even stuff they know I will disapprove of.
My mum was very "because I said so" and I ended up doing so much behind their back. I didnt want that with my dc, so try not to be judgemental but still allowed to have an opinion.
I have encouraged their freedom, however, as I think helicopter parenting is the curse of their generation. I've seen parents who storm up to the school at the first issue, never giving their dc the tools to fight their own battles, which has ultimately done them no favours. I've always encouraged mine to talk about issues, and we talk about how they could deal with it, so a bit between my parents (not our problem) and the helicopters
I dont know how you parented to this point. I was fairly strict (boundaries, bedtimes etc) when they were younger, but loosened up as they got older. Im still close to my dad (mum dead) but I do hope I parents a bit better than they did (although I bite my tongue and dont say so!)

ETA so I had "boomer" parents, Im gen x

How old are your children?

when I look back at my grandmother, mother, mine and my children’s parenting style. I see it more affected by family circumstances than generation. Parenting isn’t easy, I judged my parents but against my own world views, and accepted them as a product of their own family history. I see my trio doing the same accepting that everyone tries their best. But with internet access I can see a younger demographic group being judgmental without the experience of parenting based on online material which is trendy and not really researched.

I have great parents and have yet to have issues I can see with the way I parent and no none of us are perfect and none of tries to be

I can see good and bad with us and them generations in general though they seem to get with things and modern parenting seems to be obsessed with overthinking and ''my child is my best friend'' and if a child does not like one vegetable someone will find a self help navel gazing book to read by some Dr living in the congo who channels their own urine to explain it

Maybe if we trust our instincts more and just got on with it and less of the 'social media or the school mums or random websites I go on is judging me but I cant be a growin up without them' maybe we would be less stressed and actually focus on what is important