To not buy DD any more clothes until she acts more responsibly?

[smmer99]

DD14 and her friends often borrow or leave their clothes at each other's houses, or they just end up losing them completely. It's mostly hoodies and jumpers. The worst incident was when she lost a £60 coat that she had for only 2 months. No clue where it disappeared to, and we never got it back.

Last month was DD’s birthday, and I got her some new clothes, including a £40 hoodie. A couple of weeks ago, she stayed at a friend's house and left it there. I reminded her to make sure she got it back as she’d only had it for a couple of weeks. She met up with her friend last night and got the hoodie back, but there’s a big stain on one of the sleeves. Apparently, her friend didn’t mention it when she dropped it off, so DD messaged her to find out what it was, and she said it was an oil stain from when she helped her brother fix his car the other week. God knows why she wore it knowing it wasn’t hers, but I guess that’s just kids for you, and also DD’s fault for leaving it behind in the first place.

DD told me about the stain reluctantly as I asked for her laundry and she knew I’d notice it. As a single parent, I don’t have a lot of money and can’t afford to replace things all the time. AIBU to tell DD that I won’t be buying her any more clothes until she learns to be more responsible and look after things?

OP, just buy her the cheapest gear you can buy to teach her a lesson. Get her to earn better/decent/trendy clothing by giving her chores so she appreciates the value of them.

At 14, why hasn’t she replied to her friend to ask why on earth she wore something that wasn’t hers to do car repair work.

Do you know the mum? Ask her.

Try a stain devil fats and oil remover, if the hoodie is a bright colour test it on an unseen part first.

I wouldn’t be buying expensive items if she can’t look after them.

You can get hoodies for £4 in Primark. Tell her she can buy her own replacements

Elbow grease spray might work for the oil stain. It got cooking oil out of a pair of joggers for me. I know car oil is different but worth a try.

Yes I’d be saying something and I’d also be saying to dd not to be lending clothes to people! The things you buy are for her.

my teen is a boy so doesn’t do this but dd is 10 and I’d soon be saying something - maybe this will make her think twice about lending stuff out in the future and I absolutely wouldn’t replace it for her either.

Maybe you give her a clothing allowance so she learns the value of the stuff she wants and if she loans things and doesn’t get them back then thats it!

I agree that at 14 she now gets a clothing allowance. You buy her underwear, but anything else she has to budget for and if it's gone it's gone.

It can’t hurt to try a stain remover but the OP’s DD should be the one to make the attempt.

Absolutely reasonable.

What would a reasonable clothing allowance be at this age (how much and how often?)

Yes.

That would just cause a friendship issue which are deeply upsetting for 14 yo girls.

Go directly to the root of the issue instead. OP’s DD needs to look after her belongings because money doesn’t grow on trees.

OP is right in her suggestion. No more new clothes until she can prove she can look after the ones she has.

Your dd needs to attempt getting the stain out, I use a mix of washing up liquid and bicarbonate of soda for grease/oil stains. Then all clothes from primark in future until she learns to value them.

Name tapes. Solves a lot of problems. Yes she's 14 and will be embarrassed, Tough.

Surely if her friend has damaged her clothes she should replace it? Just because your daughter left it at her house doesn’t mean she can wear it without asking, let alone to fix a car in knowing it could get dirty. If my DD damaged someone else clothes I’d expect her to replace it.

Honestly, I guess it depends on the parents' financial situation. When I was in my teens many, many years ago I was given the child benefit equivalent, and that was for paying for clothes as I transitioned from school uniform to "own clothes" so I'd have enough for 6th form and then university. I also had to use that allowance for buying presents for friends and family. It was intended to make me learn how to budget and understand and respect the value of things, and it definitely worked for me. Clothes now are available proportionately cheaper than back then though at places like Primark.

My mum did the same. From about the age of 13 I received child benefit equivalent as my pocket money. It was given to me on the first of the month and I was expected to make it last a month. If I ran short, I could borrow money which would be deducted from next month. Made me damn good at managing money as an adult.
Outside of that I got some basic clothes on a specific schedule. Winter coat and winter boots once every two years. Summer shoes and a new pair of jeans every year. Anything outside of that was either hand-me-downs or I had to purchase it myself out of my allowance.

I’d buy her the clothes I’d normally buy ie I’d provide her with enough clothes. What she does with them if up to her, but no more would be bought until they’d be bought anyway even if she’d looked after them (ie I’d be replacing the hoodie once she grows out of it, as I would have if it had been looked after).

I’ve been a 14 year old girl. It would not have caused a friendship issue. How delicate are teenaged girls nowadays?

I give DD a clothes allowance. I occasionally top it up if she needs shoes, but otherwise she makes the decisions. That way you both know where you stand.

Very!

Will it bother you personally if she wears a hoodie with a stain on the sleeve? It wouldn't bother me and both of my children would have just carried on wearing it but I know we are all different?

Introduce her to Vinted. My DD has numerous items of clothing that she says friends have “given” her; as she’s at university, I assume they actually have but it does seem to be a thing now. She never buys anything new if she can help it.

The friend should be buying a replacement hoodie. She wore the hoodie, knowing it wasn't hers, to help her brother with a job she must have known could be messy. I would be contacting the friend's Mum, because I doubt she has a clue. I'd be mortified if my child gave back an item of clothing to a friend, that they'd worn and damaged. The friend needs to learn a lesson too!

Your daughter needs to be told in no uncertain terms, that she's 14, not 4 and therefore responsible for her own clothing. That means not lending it to friends or leaving it behind. As she isn't responsible then she can't expect to have expensive clothing. From now on it's Primark or supermarket brands.

You need to be honest regarding money and finances. You are the only adult earning money in your household, that means you can't afford to waste money, for your daughter then to be irresponsible. Explain to her about bills, tell her how much utilities cost etc. She appears to have very little idea regarding money and the value of it.