Boss’s wife said she doesn’t like me because I’m “beautiful”

[TheFirmStork]

I’m in my early 30s, educated and work as a PA to a very senior man. I’m good at my job and earn well.

At a recent work function I met his wife properly for the first time. During a conversation she said she doesn’t like me because I’m beautiful and that she feels her husband spends more time with me than he does with her. She also said I’m getting all the “good bits” of him while she gets the “crappy bits”.

I was honestly quite taken aback by that. I’ve always been completely professional and my relationship with him is strictly work-related.

AIBU to think that was an odd and uncomfortable thing for her to say?

Yeah, none of that was necessary or relevant. Could have just said “I met my boss’s wife recently and she said…….AIBU to feel uncomfortable?”

She was just being honest. She's pissed off that he spends all day with (attractive and efficient) you, and when he gets home he's tired, etc. She maybe has no idea about or interest in his work but knows you do, so you share something with him that she doesn't. Some people do speak their minds, being outspoken even when it casts them in a bad light.
But as others have said, maybe she also was warning you: 'you see the best bits of him - it's not the real him'.

She might have been trying to embarrass her DH - was he in earshot when she said this?

As if that happened 😂

"Oh darling, I absolutely hate you: you're so beautiful and get all the good parts of David while I just get him exhausted and have to cook his dinner and wash his pants."

It's just slightly awkward banter.

I also suspect he has been a less than perfect husband - as regards fidelity and respect for his wife - in the past.

Poor woman is anticipating history repeating itself.

As others have said - remain strictly professional. It is invariably the female worker who suffers if this sort of situation blows up.

Oh god, why have you come out with that.

And even then it would be a stupid question.

Mind you the majority of AIBU questions do seem to be.

To all those claiming it doesn't happen; it most definitely does! Many years ago I was employed at a golf club. I would see the male members a few times a week to say hello to in passing, and their wives less often. A few of the wives were absolutely vile to me despite not knowing me at all. One day one of the women members burst into my office and just started yelling at me. I can remember standing up behind my desk, speechless. My female colleague (who had worked there for decades and knew a lot of the wives really well) stepped in and told this woman to back off and get out.

The next day, the woman's friend came in to tell me that the yelling woman of the day before and quite a few of the other wives didn't like me working there because of my youth and looks (I was early 30's, newly married). The manager actually relocated our office to a different area of the club after that happened to keep the members out. The male members were all lovely, the bitter wives were awful. I have never actually met such vile women as in that place.

Just smile and wave, OP and be yourself. There is nothing you can do about bitter women like that. Maybe it was a joke and a light hearted comment that didn't come over in that way.

Not my dh PA but in terms of our next door neighbour I’m that bitter middle aged woman. I’m 42 and having perimenopause symptoms I feel washed out and awful. Next door is about 30 and far too chatty with dh and I admit I did say to her can she stop asking him for help and lifts. Then I told Dh how unhappy I was and he actively avoids her now for me. It may not be how we are supposed to act but really sometimes when you feel so low you can’t help it

Sure, this happened.

It sounds as though what the wife was saying was actually aimed at her husband, not you - a sort of pass-agg way of accusing him of not being attentive enough to her or spending too much time working; either by him being in earshot or perhaps hoping you might relay it to him.

she let out an insecurity - and she did it by awkwardly complimenting you. It's a bit startling, but there's an option to try and see it from her side. She might be in quite a shit marriage, she might have felt terrible afterwards. Inappropriate but perhaps just another human's sadness spilling out.

If only folks could keep their marital issues/insecurities out of the office, so women can go about their careers without unsolicited awkwardness.

Take me with you next time, @TheFirmStork , you'll look quite plain next to me.

And did you reassure her about your professionalism?

Not a boss but I had it with a colleagues wife years ago, rang me using his phone and when I answered accused me of an affair , well initially and then said I think he fancies you. I told her I had no idea whether he did or not and she then started to try and tell me her marriage woes , she phoned a couple more times but subsequently kind of looking for a shoulder to cry on. Told her if she phoned again I’d report her to the police for harassment. When I told my colleague ie the husband he was very blase and said oh yes she’s fine that before. Was a bit of a head scratcher to be honest.

if I was in your position I’d be in the bosses office making it clear in no uncertain terms that this must not happen again. But I’m old now and don’t care about the consequences .

Why should any woman have to 'reassure' anyone who takes a dislike to them for simply existing and being attractive?

God the vitriol some women can have for other women more attractive than them. Ignore them OP they’ve obviously never been in that position & are failing to see this is not you boasting about your looks because you obviously don’t need to. It’s about being unfairly treated by another woman who’s trying to police her DH by putting you down. And managing her insecurity by warning you off him. As if you’d want him anyway. And no her acknowledging OP’s beauty was in no way a compliment. She’s weaponised it against her & made her DH’s possible attraction towards her, her fault. Women can be mercenary bitches if another woman is more attractive than them. And why on earth should OP work harder to prove her worth professionally because of her looks? She sounds professional, successful & intelligent. There are some women who equally get a kick out of flaunting their looks & deliberately trying to get a reaction from anyone that will give it. OP doesn’t sound like that in the slightest. She’d hardly be posting on here if she was.

I worked with a man whose wife described one of our colleagues as “so beautiful it hurts”. It was weird. The wife herself was quite a manly woman, so maybe she admired this woman’s looks or wished she looked like her? It’s odd for anyone’s spots to get involved in their work life in my opinion.

Think I might have retorted, "it's really not my problem you consider yourself ugly."