Cousin keeps asking me to babysit her 18 month old

[rosehubb]

Basically me and my cousin both have toddlers with a 11 month gap between them (mine being the eldest).

She left the father of her child when baby was 10 days old as he was abusive.

In the first year she was a really brilliant hands on mum, she mainly did everything herself and only really asked for help when baby wasn't well.

It all started to change when she went back to work part time and put the baby in nursery at 10 months.

Around this time the father began having the baby EOW after court proceedings which she wasn't too happy about.

She joined dating apps etc and then was asking me to babysit so she found go out on dates.
It was either me or her mum who would babysit.
This started around Xmas last year.

She never has the baby at weekends anymore (either with the father per court arrangement, my aunt, my cousin or me).

Afew weeks ago the baby was rushed to hospital via ambulance and was really poorly.
She still went out on a date with someone the same day.

I found this really cold and bizarre, I could never do this.
The baby went back to my aunts from hospital.

She has asked me to babysit this Friday but I have told her I can't babysit anymore as it's really draining looking after 2 toddlers and my OH is starting to get really annoyed.

She says things like "I miss my old life, I am sick of this".

Im not sure if she is depressed or just fed up of the tantrums, lack of sleep etc.
I want to support her don't want to keep babysitting.

My aunt (her mum) had the baby again tonight and text me she's not happy as it's the 2nd time this week now.

AIBU to not want keep babysitting? We worry if we don't God knows who the baby will end up with.

Do you have a paid, trusted babysitter that you use that you could recommend to her? I find people generally start valuing the help when they have to fork out for it.

Just be firm and repeat that you are finding things tough so can't babysit anymore when she next asks and give yourself a breather. It is not fair on your family otherwise.

And as much as you care, her baby isn't your responsibility. If no-one is available then it might make her reassess? Unless you really think she would put her child at risk?

Poor child. Does she want to keep the baby or is it really that she is too ashamed to admit she doesn’t?

You’re right to say no. The other family members need to do the same. Actually shocking she went on a date instead of looking after her sick child. Family need to start saying no, and forcing her to look after her child. Sorry but she’s a parent and has time when child is with their father when she can date.

Hi, no we don't know any babysitters that we could suggest unfortunately.

My aunt is so amazing though, when the baby had to be off nursery she took 2 days of work to look after him so my cousin could go to work.

She hasn't said she doesn't want him but I think she realises how hard it is having a toddler, as before when he was a baby she would say it's easy now she says "he drains my life, drains my soul".

Im just really surprised at her as she seemed to really love being a mum now it's like she can't wait to get rid of him.

Unfortunately sometimes as kids get older and become harder work some parent's lose interest. However if her family continue to enable her to behave like this she will most likely only get worse not better. The nights will become weeks. I would suggest everyone who feels taken advantage of start saying no and suggesting she pays for a babysitter or asks the babies dad to have him more often.

@Fundays12 - Yes that is exactly what inwas thinking.
At first she was like "Oh this is so easy, I can't bare to be apart from him when he goes to his dads" etc and now it's "I need my own life and time to myself, he literally drains my soul, he is such hard work".

I won't be babysitting anymore as it's too much, I feel so sorry for the baby though.
She says she dosent want the baby at his dads more than the minimum visits he already gets which is every other weekend.

She sounds very entitled, selfish and controlling. She doesnt want to care for her toddler because its hard work but doesnt want the child's dad who does appear to want him more to do so. Stick to your guns you have a child yourself and cannot be largely responsible for another one because the mum cant be bothered. Your whole family need to start saying "no i cant" however if your struggling speak to his dad to have him more. She will either start caring for him herself or allow his dad to have him more both of which is better for him and more stable.

I have seen this situation play out long term within families who enable this behaviour and it really does impact the child negatively long term because they know mum is more interested in themselves than them

Perhaps the child would be better placed with the father 🫤

Poor child, and poor mum. She sounds like she is really struggling in a difficult situation.

But her solution is not a solution to her problem - farming out the child and going on dates is not “getting back to her old life” it’s stacking up a whole new load of issues. She needs support to look after her own child properly and responsibly (not from you I might add!)

For you though - I think you’re 100% right to stop babysitting for her. Focus on your own little family here. She is always going to be annoyed if you stop, whether it’s now or when he’s 10, so rip the plaster off now. In fact I’d not let it get to a point where they child is sufficiently old enough that there’s a really strong bond forming between you and her child (like a school age or a 10 yr old)

Someone needs to stop pussyfooting around this mum and tell her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour stinks.

whether or not she misses her old life - she chose to have this baby, he needs his parent to do the job.

She joined dating apps etc and then was asking me to babysit so she found go out on dates.

I would judge this and the fucking off on a date while her child was in hospital ...hard.

That poor poor child.
Every time she asks I'd be asking if she gave the childs father first refusal and/or saying if shes happy to push her date out a week you can meet her for soft play / whatever but you won't babysit.

Tough shit she misses cocktailtinis and lieins - she has a child and responsibilities now.
Your family should support her but support doesnt mean babysitting

Stand firm. This doesn't sound good for any of you. Especially the kid whose mum doesn't want him.

I would suggest to your aunt that maybe the baby is best going to it’s dads full time if this is the case. She doesn’t sound like a good mum at all, who fucks off and leaves their kid the same day they’ve been in hostipal? It’s cruel.

It’s not great but she could actually be telling people she’s struggling hard.

I’m not saying that you should continue to babysit but someone needs to sit her down, give her some home truths about parenting but also try and get to the bottom of whether she’s just being feckless or whether she’s on the edge. Really, this needs to be her mum.

If she is sick of it, maybe the dad can become resident parent and she has the baby EOW?

Or will that mean all her benefits dry up?

Spot on. This woman needs to stop dumping responsibility on others and parent her child. Either that or hand over custody to the father.

I am mind blown that a parent wouldn't prioritise their poorly child. I cannot imagine having a child in hospital and going on a date. That's an incredibly extreme neglection of parental duties, aside from a worrying lack of emotional connection to the child. I wonder if you need to give her a wake up call about that, in no uncertain terms.