AIBU to feel hurt after DH hid expensive purchase before mat leave?

[Daisy912]

Some context: I'm very pregnant and about to go on maternity leave. Historically me and DH have always paid 50/50 into our joint account for mortgage/bills despite me earning less than him (I wanted to do this), but I've had to have a conversation with him about changing this so that we're both able to get through my mat leave financially. He seemed a bit worried about the impact it's going to have on his money, but understood and agreed.

This week he got a parcel and was a bit shifty about what it was. He went out today so I've snooped in the office to look (know I shouldn't have done this)! He's bought some expensive computing equipment that he didn't need - probably cost about £500/£600.

I can see why he hid it from me, I'm normally very chill about him spending his money as he wants as he's good at saving too and often volunteers to pay for joint expenses outside of usual bills, but at the moment I'm very very hormonal and sensitive on top of being worried about money. We also have lots we want to spend money on and he's said we can't afford right now, e.g. we have loads of work we need to do on our house and we haven't been on holiday in two years. I think maybe he saw this as the last opportunity to spend some of his money on himself before he needs to cut back but I'm feeling really hurt and frustrated.

I guess I'm angry that he hid it from me, but also angry that he could justify this purchase in his head when we have so much going on. AIBU?

I don't blame you for being upset about this OP.

To me it signals that he considers himself and his wants as more important than any commitment to the family and his new child. It was a selfish act.

I think is doesn't bode well for how things are going to play out when you are on maternity leave if he is going to see spending money on himself as the priority.

Do you usually have certain money ringfenced for hobbies or individual expenses? If he’s saved that up then YABU.

If he’s taken from the family pot for family expenses at a time when things are going to get tight and £500 is an amount you’ll notice missing then YANBU.

He's worried about the impact on you having HIS baby on his finances??? There is no mine and yours, its OURS. You need to plan your family finances together, he should be supporting you through mat leave while you are recovering from having his child. Tell him to stop being so selfish, its time for him to grow up and look after his family.

You are not at all BU to feel hurt, there's two instances where he's dropped the ball here

Are you going to raise it with him?

Why don't you have joint finances. A baby is coming - the ship of "my money, your money" has well and truly sailed.

I don't know why you would even need to talk to him about financing everything through maternity. Isn't it obvious? It should go without saying.

This exactly.

It's as if some men think supporting their family through maternity is somehow optional. I wouldn't engage with that attitude for 5 seconds and I don't understand why any woman would.

He often volunteers to pay towards joint expenses?

why does this deserve kudos?

He should return it. You have other priorities at the moment.

Sorry phrased this badly, he often volunteers to pay the entire cost of any unexpected joint expenses - meals out, costs for fixing things in house etc.

He's unbelievable. A woman would 100% not do this.

This is a very weird view of family life and marriage in my opinion. Why the hell wouldn't he contribute to fill the financial gap during your mat leave? Isn't it his child too? Why do you even have to ask?!!

And don't get me started on "his" money...

I know 3 women who purposefully had less savings by the time they were due so their husbands had to pick up more of the slack.

Nonetheless it's both of your responsibilities to save to get you through maternity leave. If he can afford it, no issue but if it's going to impact affordability of day to day it needs to go back

I think you're (correctly) realizing that the financial arrangement that you were both happy with earlier is no longer fair or workable but you haven't actually sat down and put a new system in place together. Now both of you are feeling uneasy about it all.

Get back on the same page and emphasize being a team. Tell him you'd like to schedule a time to sit down and write out a household budget and agree on what your family finances will look like as parents so that it's not a constant guessing game between you. Start it all from scratch instead of talking about it as changes to the current arrangement - lay out the income available, all household bills, expected joint and child-related expenses by category, and savings needs. Then create a fair split for individual spending from what's left. Then you can decide together what sort of cash flow structure works for the two of you... does everything initially go into the joint account then only individual spending amounts get moved out, or vice versa? Next, make an agreement about how you'll track spending (so you know where you are within your budget) and what sorts of purchases you'll discuss in advance. And last you should set a date perhaps 6 months out to sit back down and revise the budget as needed.

Perhaps he feels that since You are getting a baby all for your own self, the least he can have is some gaming equipment that will keep him entertained when he takes those two weeks of paternity leave.

You think so? 🤔
First baby, I presume.
He wanted something for himself, I guess, before his life changes forever.
Child free woman here. Thanks goodness. And I'm sure you would find some ladies doing exactly this.
Possibly not computer equipment. (Experience).

My now exDH and I earnt a similar average salary. When I went on maternity leave, I covered the short fall in our 50/50 agreement out of my savings. Boy, was I stupid. I went p/t after maternity leave and told him the split would now be 25/75. I was able to claim tax credits (was a few years back, before the system changed) and I kept that in my separate account. It was the due to the resentment I felt over using my savings during maternity leave. My DC would not have had anything if I didn't pay for it, so I didn't feel guilty. It was just one of the things that was wrong about our relationship, hence being an ex.
So, moral of the story, sit down now and talk about finances going forward, don't let resentment build.

Hmm. You said he understood and agreed he'd support you. That doesn't seem to have changed? So this is him buying something he wants as a last hurrah before he has less disposable income? I don't think I could get too worked up about it unless he now says he can't afford to support you in the way that was planned.