To think if someone is “too busy” to stay in touch, they’re too busy for the friendship?

[TheBusyExpert]

I’m increasingly over the excuse that people are just “too busy” to reply or make any effort to stay connected. Everyone is busy. But if someone or something matters to you, you usually find the time - even if it’s just a quick message.

AIBU to think that if someone repeatedly can’t find the time, the friendship just isn’t a priority for them?

Perhaps so? But is it the end of the world?

If you want lifelong friendships, you are going to have to accept that in an average lifespan, people go through huge changes, ups and downs, periods of thought, periods of busyness etc etc. You are not going to be at the top of their radar every week or month or even year - BUT being a friend to someone can involve hearing from them after five years and meeting up then, no?

But what do you mean by connected? What are you wanting them to respond to?

@TheBusyExpert
But if someone or something matters to you, you usually find the time - even if it’s just a quick message.

It depends. But I hope you're not promptly messaging back people you only hear from once in a blue moon and who are slow to respond to you?

@something2say

BUT being a friend to someone can involve hearing from them after five years and meeting up then, no?

I would generally say no.

I don’t mean constant contact or messaging every week. I mean basic effort - replying to messages, occasionally checking in or showing some interest in staying in touch. I completely understand that people get busy and friendships ebb and flow but if someone repeatedly doesn’t respond or make any effort at all, it starts to feel like the friendship just isn’t a priority to them.

No, I wouldn’t keep chasing someone who only pops up once in a blue moon and never responds properly. For me it’s more about reciprocity. If both people make some effort to stay in touch, even if it’s not that often, the friendship tends to continue. If one person is always the one reaching out and the other never really engages, that’s more what I meant.

I would say so in some cases, however I have one friend who has the worst brain. She replies days later and is really forgetful but we still meet every week.

I also have friends that moved away & we text and then the other one texts back a few days later. People are genuinely busy and, personally, I don’t take offence when they don’t respond.

Exactly. There are times when I'm not in touch with people. I haven't seen my closest friend in a long time. But I accept that it's perfectly normal for friendships to have fallow periods, and return stronger than ever. I'm not so insecure and needy that I require my friends to provide periodic proof of life.

That very much depends on the kind of friends that you want in your life. I have several that I only meet with once maybe twice a year but when we do meet it’s like no time has passed. We don’t chat or message in between we just fill each other in on what’s been going on for the last 6-8 months.

If you want people to message and meet up regularly then that’s fine too but you need to find people that want similar.

This. I couldn’t actually cope with the sort of friendship that requires daily contact.

It depends on the person and your relationship and what is going on in their life.

But yes if it is always you making the effort and reaching out and supporting, but getting nothing back - it may be time to move on.

Dunno, I had a friend who would constantly message me ALL DAY repeating themselves the conversation would start “how are you?” And we’d talk and then it go revert back to them asking that as we had run out of things to talk about! I became to busy for mundane small talk didn’t mean I didn’t care about the friendship just didn’t want to be glued to my phone.

They wouldn't be too busy if you said I've won a million pounds. I'll treat you give me a call.