To feel relucant to give my brother-in-law more money?

[RoRoMommy]

Thanks in advance for reading this, and for your advice.

My husband's brother has fallen on some very hard times. He's just recovered from an addiction, been left by his long-time girlfriend (good-riddance, to be honest), and lost his job (in recovering from said addiction). His ex slandered his name to an old employer who was going to meet with him to potentially give him work, and now he's very reluctant to meet with him, and has passed the information on all over their very small community, making it very difficult for him to get work. He's been applying at retailers, fast food joints, coffee shops, just to have an income, as bills are piling up, but they're saying he's "over-qualified", which he is but he needs the money.

To get him over a hump last month, we loaned him $2500. Now, we both have good incomes, and good savings. We had the money to give, and to be honest I gave it assuming we'd never get it back, and I was okay with that.

Now he's had to use part of the money to get a plane ticket to Oklahoma because their uncle died unexpectedly. It's really important that he's gone there, especially because my husband and I cannot go, since we're over here, and with DS being young, and it's a long flight, etc. So he's like our ambassador, too, to the family (everyone is really shocked and devastated at the loss, uncle had an eight year old son and was in great health).

Now my husband wants to give him more money. I don't know how much, but I feel a little reluctant. Not because of the addiction, I am sure he's over that and won't spend the money on drugs. Not because we don't have the money, because we do (though of course we could be using it to save for DS's education, or retirement, but we're doing pretty well right now, so if we weren't giving it to BIL that's where it would go, rather than immediate needs, iyswim). I think it might have something to do with the fact that he was supposed to send a very important, sentimental piece of artwork that my father created to me two weeks ago when he got the money, and he didn't and hasn't sent it. I don't want this to be the reason, but I suspect that it might be. It might also be that I don't want to be seen as an endless tap of cash to him, or anyone else, though I do really want to help get him back on his feet.

Please tell me, aibu? If not, how much more money before iabu? Or does it not work like that?

Sorry, a bit of a ramble. Thanks again.

Because apparently he needs it to tend to basic needs (he's living with a friend, but he still needs to buy gas for his car to go to job interviews, buy food, etc.). The money we gave him last month went to bills and to buy this plane ticket.

Thanks jammi. See, I want to be the kind of person who gives money without strings attached, but it was kind of understood (or at least I thought it was) that he'd use some of this money to send the artwork (he said as much in an email), though I understand now that priorities have changed with the death in the family. I think it's a fair point to give the money it cost for him to fly to the funeral.

whilst I would give money in an absoloute emergency I'm afraid i am the "never a lender or a borrower be" type.
It is always trouble.

What excatly is he doing with the money anyway and what is his plan to sort his finances out?

Have been in similar position with bil though mine so feckless that never any prospect of getting anything back. Also involved self-inflicted medical condition.

My reason for doing it was for the benefit of dh not bil. Lots of complicated childhood/family baggage meant their relationship was unusually close and, long before I was on the scene, dh more or less supported bil, irrespective of unreasonable/irresponsible behaviour. Anyway, for the complicated family reasons, dh felt responsible for younger brother and, only after years of outrageously rude behaviour following the regular injections of cash from us did dh conclude for himself that it was unhealthy for HIM to be giving his brother more opportunities to upset him, so he turned off the cash tap.

It sounds as though, for you, the money itself is less of an issue if you can easily afford to sub your bil for a while. But maybe try to think through what it means to your dp to make sure that his brother is OK. And the effect it would have on dp to stop.

Sorry if this is totally irrelevant to your situation.

I defo see your point, pag. He used some of the money to pay his phone bill to keep his service running, and some for other bills (not sure what exactly, didn't ask). He is trying to get work, but beyond that I can't be sure exactly what he's doing to sort himself out. I never asked for details, and tbh I don't really want them.

jkk, your situation sounds oddly nearly identical to ours, DH and BIL are very close, had a horrible childhood with lots of abuse from various step-fathers, lots of baggage and though DH is the younger one, BIL would bail out DH if DH were in his situation and DH needs to know that BIL is going to be okay. I know it means the world to him.

I wonder if it would help to set some sort of parameters to helping him. Like not just cash, but something more? I don't know, get him set up with a recruiter? A life coach? Help him get a job somehow??

RoRo - What do you think the chances are that he'll get a job with this damning stuff gong around the small community? Does he have the gumption/drive to retrain at something else? It's the thinking of something else that is the hardest part: maybe if he could, that would be the time when a life coach might help out. If he really doesn't have any idea of a new direction, it's hard for a coach to help very much, I think.

You obviously regard the job as the key to it all. It may well be. What impact do you think the breakup has had on his attitude to the rest of his life? Is the uncle's death likely to be another massive upset? It may be that he'll need some space to work all this out and that getting work/feeling even worse because he can't get any will prevent him from doing this. So some careful emotional AND financial hand-holding from his brother might be the only answer to that. Getting through the addiction must mean that bil has some steel in there somewhere, so could it be a question of him finding it again?

The most difficult thing for me was not really being able to talk it over rationally with my dh as the issues were too raw. Now, however, a few years down the line with bil living in a different continent, dh is much more phlegmatic about it.

Try to identify ways that you can keep yourself sane about the situation as the last thing you need is for it to become a huge negative issues for you and your dh. Very best of luck.

Thanks, jkk. That's all really helpful. I think the job is a lot to do with it for him to get back on his own two feet. Not much chance of him getting one in his chosen field unless he leaves the country (he has talked about moving back to the UK, he used to be married to a British woman years ago and lived in Bingley). It might help both DH and BIL if they lived in the same city again, but then again it might drag us down with him if things go bad again. He's definitely got a lot of steel, sometimes I think too much, and tbh, the fact that he's asked us for help (again) is proof that he really needs it because he's very proud and wouldn't have asked if it wasn't a dire situation.

Thanks again.