You need a really minor consequence which you can't "run out of" or alternatively you can use some kind of points system where she can earn points for meeting behaviour expectations. The points can then translate to something such as phone time, ideally for the next day or next period of the day rather than being immediate. It needs to reset every day so she always has a clean slate/chance to try again. Either way it needs setting up in advance and laying out what the red lines/expected behaviours are, and then everyone needs to stick to it, no ifs/buts, no exceptions no changes to the system, so that it's always predictable and clear. This allows you to be on her side against the rule, rather than it be you vs her. It also helps a lot if any rules about things like shouting are also adhered to by the adults.
There is no point trying to use consequences/punishment as a threat you wield to stop behaviour either in advance or in its tracks, as it will just antagonise things in the moment and as you've said, children with ADHD don't stop to consider the consequences before they act. That's part of the disorder that the "brakes" in the brain (technical name is inhibitory control) are lacking in power. Ned Hallowell describes is as having "a Ferrari for a brain but with bicycle brakes".
It's also really important (and really hard!) for adults not to lose control and lash out (verbally or with threats for example) which is basically what your points/minor consequence is all about - it's to give you a calm way to respond. Getting wound up as your DH is doing is just feeding the behaviour, it is better to ignore. OTOH if she has figured out that if she kicks up a fuss then you'll walk away and stop asking her to do the thing, that's not great either but the first priority is to stop the conflict. Getting her to do things you want her to do is secondary (IMO).
It's helpful to understand that in trying to stop unwanted behaviour you're really trying to teach/encourage a replacement skill or behaviour. You can get more effective results from trying to develop a behaviour than you can from trying to squash a behaviour. So it often helps to take some time to work out the most common conflict areas and make a plan for which ones you're going to tackle.
There are a few approaches for tackling.
Behaviour "shaping" - rather than increase a consequence for something not done or behaviour which repeats, you want to work out what the replacement behaviour you want is and then look out to reward any movement in the right direction ie with praise or e.g. points towards your system. If you can't see any movement, or this feels too random you can also break the expectation down into steps, so thinking about what you ideally want vs what she is currently doing. For example if she is currently thumping and swearing, the steps might be swearing but no physical violence, then shouting/rude tone but no swear words, then a neutral tone, then a politer tone. Which is counterintuitive because it means you would offer the reward/praise if she swears, as long as she does not hit. But this is one step in the right direction. It is sometimes too much of a jump to expect that she change all of her behaviour at once, and if that is the case then it will be highly discouraging to her if she does manage to stop herself from hitting but then gets into trouble anyway because she didn't manage to stop herself from swearing.
Scaffolding - where you basically take away some of the expectation of independence and set her up for success on certain things. This may also involve some practice on a smaller scale e.g. for a younger child who is struggling with appropriate/safe behaviour in shops, you might actively decide to take them on a few "training trips" to smaller shops so they can learn the expected behaviour with less chance of a full on meltdown or failure. Or this might involve environmental tools such as checklists or making items more visible.
Collaborative problem solving - talking without blame seeing the problem neutrally, in terms of it being a difficulty she is having and seeing if you can find a way around it together or genuine win-win solution. Dr Ross Greene's books The Explosive Child or Raising Human Beings set out this process really well, within a wider philosophy, or the free resources on his website Lives in the Balance can also help. I really like this approach because IMO it's the one which is most likely to be helpful for them in life going forward when they don't have a parent looking over their shoulder. But it is difficult if they won't collaborate with you and it does mean unlearning a lot of thngs so it's not a quick fix at all.
Ultimately, medication helps with the "brakes" and will help with a lot of organisational/self-motivational stuff and may also help her to be less exhausted and drained by school which may help reduce some of the stress type behaviours after school.