Mother’s Day Dilemma

[FirstStepsMama]

This Mother’s Day will be my first which is very exciting. However, things haven’t got any better with my MIL, my last post goes into further detail, but the long and the short of it is she is an alcoholic who doesn’t ask about her grandchild, doesn’t offer support, and is causing us a certain level of distress. My husband made a comment that he isn’t going to get her a Mother’s Day card/gift because of how fractured the relationship has become and that basically she is becoming a stranger due to this disease. Though I fully respect his feelings, I do wonder if it will cause more upset and separation - selfishly I want the day to be lovely and meaningful, and I don’t want this hanging over us.

Is it petty not to get a card?
Am I overthinking it?

I know it’s not my mum - but I want to be a supportive wife and offer fair advice, not ones clouded by my own feelings.

It's a decision for your husband to make, and you should support him I think.

Do NOT offer advice. There is nothing that you can say that won't come back to bite you later. Be supportive and respect his decisions. Step back massively.

First reply nails it. You are overthinking. Do something nice for your own mum. Recieve something nice "from" your baby. Let DH make up his own mind about his relationship with his mum

With a small baby you have enough to do without adding more MIL drama to the mix. I'd consider the cost of a card and a postage stamp well worth the convenience of having fewer hassles to worry about!

It’s odd the she doesn’t ask after her grandchild but her not offering support is understandable as if she’s an alcoholic she can’t even support her own welfare.

Apart from the drinking and not asking about your child has she actually done anything else wrong? I understand it’s hurtful for your DH to see his mother this way, but it is a disease she is suffering from, does he want her to hurt her on top of this? A card and flowers will go along way.

Having an alcoholic parent is an absolutely horrific and impossible situation. It’s a constant circle of hurt, guilt and the sheer pain of being put second to alcohol. It’s absolutely fine to step away from it all and put yourself and your family first. Addiction destroys a person’s very core and makes them into a whole different human. It’s an illness not a weakness, but you can’t always be called upon to support that illness.

Let your DH get her a card and post it. Keep it arms length for now. And Enjoy your first Mother’s Day.

It’s a very typical symptom of an addict - they don’t ask because they only care, most of the time about 1 thing, and that thing is never a person. They can still love other people but there is only so much room in their brain and it’s usually donated by whatever they are addicted to.

This ^

@FirstStepsMama

Relationships with alcoholics are fraught with drama and emotion. You need to let your husband decide what he wants to do and support him in it. Chances are he's carrying around some heavy baggage and doesn't need unnecessary guilt for not sending his mum a card being added to that load.