My friend always wants to see me with her kids but WITHOUT mine

[cadburyegg]

I have a very close friend who I used to see more of when I was more helpful to her. Her husband used to work a lot of weekends. I’m a single mum and when her husband was working on my childfree weekend she’d invite me out to spend the day together. Obviously it was nice to see her and the kids but I did end up helping with the kids a bit, which is fine and what I expect but I got the sense she’d only invite me then when she wanted help.

We used to do more “adult” get togethers like go out for meals in the evening sometimes but she very rarely is up for that now. She never ever comes to my house, always invites me there because it’s easier with the kids which I do get. Soon enough it became that she’d invite me out somewhere on my only childfree day to spend the day with them and that’s the only time I’d get to see her. I have started becoming less available. I don’t want to spend my rare child free time with her kids as much as I love them. She obviously wants to meet without my kids, and before anyone asks my kids are very kind to hers but there is a bit of an age gap, so have little in common. They get on fine when we are out somewhere. As a result she very very rarely sees my kids now whereas her kids know me pretty well, last time I saw them her eldest gave me a lovely card saying “cadburyegg I love you so much”. If i invite her somewhere in the evening like out for dinner she declines because she says she can’t go anywhere until her kids are in bed. She has a very hands on present husband.

I am just not sure what to do, I feel run ragged as it is and I just find that she is not willing to meet me halfway. I’ve had another invite for a meet at hers today hence posting this now.

You are the unreasonable person in this situation as you know you are being used and still seem to be continuing the pattern.

You’re a single mum OP - you are allowed a child free day off every once in a while and that shouldn’t be filled spending time with someone else’s kids.

Be kind to yourself and take a step back.

You need to be honest with your friend, she might not even realise how she’s making you feel.

if you are close enough, which sounds like you are, I would explain that on your child three days you really just want to relax and potter about. You then tell her that you would love an adult evening together and for her to let you know the next available date. Then you wait.

Yes, you need to communicate your wishes or preferences, OP. 'No, I don't want to do that. I'd prefer to do this, on date X -- does that work for you?'

Tell her how you feel.

Sack that right off. She’s got you right where she wants you as a second pair of hands but has the CFery not to return the support

Bluntly: you’re not her friend, you’re her unpaid au pair.

It is not a reciprocal friendship and you owe her nothing. Friends value you for yourself, not for what you can do for them.

She's being really selfish.

She has a hands on husband/partner where as you are a single parent, which makes it even worse imo. I am in a similar position to you and know how much those childfree days are needed to recharge.

You do need to tell her that you want to keep your childfree days just that - child free. Her response and future meet up suggestions will be interesting.

She also has lots of family members in her kids lives. She has locally: her mum, dad, sister, brother in law, cousins, in laws. Not all of them are helpful but a lot of them are and there is always someone able to babysit if required. One of her kids had a sickness bug recently and both her and her husband took the kid to A&E (not sure why) and their BIL babysat the other one. The last time I took one of my kids to A&E i had to take the other one with me. I’m an only child, and my mum is local and super helpful as it is but she isn’t available all of the time. The rest of my family are 200 miles away or dead.

sorry this is making me cross now!!

I would not spend time with someone who didn’t show interest in my children.

Being interested is one thing, being an extra parent is quite another. Who wants guarded, interrupted conversations all the time, especially on a child free day.
Your friend is friends with you, not your children, although they will likely be polite and tolerant.

She’s a using bastard and not a friend.

I’m afraid I’d no longer be mincing my words and saying in no uncertain terms I wasn’t willing to have a day off from my own kids only to have to spend it with her brats.

At first glance I would assume that:

• she invites you on your "child free" day because she knows you're more likely to be available as a single parent
• she doesn't get child free days so her kids are there by default. If she still needs to put a 7 yo to bed then I would also think she has attachment issues
• and it's often the days her husband is away because that the days she is available

Unless there is more to the situation, I don't understand why anyone would read more into it. It's a bit selfish of her, but if you're such "close friends" then it shouldn't be too difficult to address. It also sounds like she does most of the scheduling, so if course she is going to pick the time that is most convenient to her.

If your first assumption is that she is "using you", then surely you're not that close friends.

remember this. Your friend should be offering to child sit for you sometimes, as I would do , so you get some me time.

I was a lone parent so to get an afternoon to myself was a real rarity. Maybe once every few months if my DC had gone to a grandparent, 60miles away.

I had one very close friend who would rely on me to have her child when her exh didn’t turn up on his weekends. She’d drive her child to me or I’d have to go to her house very early Saturday. This became every one of his weekends.

the worst bit being IF my DC was at grandparents I’d have driven them there Friday evening to get Saturday to myself and collect them first thing Sunday. This was hardly ever and I’d get a knock at my door sat 7am and friend would be there leaving her toddler with me knowing full well it was my one day to myself. Once she just say here you go and just walked off like I was her childminder.

So it got to the stage every other weekend I’d be covering her child until at least lunch when her exh may or may not turn up to get his child. and the other weekend when she had her child she’d want to go for days out to kids places with me, I’d be expected to drive all of us provide picnic pay and so on.

this went on for well over three years.

I now see that I was being completely used. My friend had parents and siblings all in the same town to help her, I didn’t. I get sad about it all these years later as yes there are nice memories but they are tainted. She was a close friend from school I thought of as my sister.

The bit that taints it most for me is she’d drop DC off on my doorstep early Saturday, then not even check if her exh had even collected DC and then finish work 1 and have the rest of the weekend to herself. Knowing I never got a weekend to myself. One time her exh never collected the DC at all and I let her know ,she told me she was busy with friends and as I had DC’s overnight bag I had to have her DC overnight. Makes me feel tearful thinking about it now.

Are you actually saying that her family agreeing to babysit so they could take their kid to A&E, means they should also be available to babysit so she can go on a night out?

And judging them because they both wanted to go to A&E with their child?

Ok...

I'd become a lot less friendly with her. Basically, I would say I'm a single parent X and rarely don't have the kids so when I don't, I'm keeping this time for things I can't do or are less easy to do when I do have them .

Not defending her, I'd feel the same as you, but just thinking of potential reasons - as your children are older, is it possible that she thinks that it changes the dynamic of your catch ups? I only have young kids so when I see my friends and their kids of similar age, they normally play together and we can still have "adult" conversations most of the time. When I occasionally meet up with people with older kids, I think I'm maybe more... self conscious, if it makes sense? About how to get them involved in the conversation, etc. Unless they just do their own thing too, like watch their tablet, but then it's a bit unfair on the kids too.

But her family members ARE available to help and yes they also babysit for nights out. I wouldn’t ask her to get a babysitter to see me if that’s what you are implying, she has a husband who is more than capable of looking after them

Clear boundaries, be less available and don’t make plans with her on your child free day.

I think it's absolutely fine to say that when your kids are at their dad's, you need to make the most of being child free and ha e some adult only time to recharge your batteries so that you can reset and be more available for your own kids. It sounds very much like there is no compromise, is everything else in your friendship all on her terms?

Im also a single parent and generally keep my child free weekends to do childfree stuff! Most people have no issue with that and fully understand it. You need to be more assertive and explain you dont get a lot of adult contact so would like to focus on getting that when you can

Hi op your giving all the time she’s taking you should say you have other places to be when kids are not with you as it’s your time but happy to do an evening without all the kids if she says she’s not up for it just say ok then next time she offers say no thanks then when you have your kids suggest meeting up. She can’t have her cake and eat it all by herself it’s compromise in a friendships.

I think the issue is we might make vague plans to do dinner elsewhere or for her to come to me and I suggest doing something different but it never happens and somehow I always end up going to hers or meeting her somewhere with the kids.

It never used to be like this so it’s caught me a bit unawares. A bit like boiling frog. We definitely used to meet more with all of the kids for sure.

I will suggest meeting with the kids somewhere more often and see what happens. i have actually stepped back a bit already as I felt I was always the one reaching out. I suspect this will mean I see less of her again.

Unless her husband is away she can have child free time whenever she wants. She could make childfree plans literally half the time if she wanted and it would be perfectly acceptable and fair for her to do that because she has a present husband. I get 8 nights childfree per month and those are not flexible.

Now that you’ve noticed that ‘somehow I always end up going to hers or meeting her with her DC’, you can head that off at the pass. When the vague plans to meet childfree turn into ‘come over to mine when DC are here’ - that’s a no, thanks. You don’t need to end up doing anything you don’t want to.
Either she recognises the shift and starts clearing child free time for you, or she doesn’t want to and the meet-ups fade. Only time will tell.

So did you speak to her about it yesterday?

I have been off sick from work recently and she invited me round for a (childfree) coffee on Friday. Which I initially thought was nice. I appreciated the idea but when I got there she spent most of the time talking about herself and how her dd7 is doing at school. there was no interest in me or my kids. She also talked about what her dh has organised for Mother’s Day which I thought was really insensitive considering she knows perfectly well I wouldn’t get anything.

I came away feeling shit about my life really. we just lead totally different lives but she is just so wrapped up in her own. I will suggest meeting with the kids sometimes and see how that goes but I expect a slow fade is in order. It is shit though.