May have misstepped with club my kids go to

[Trusttheawesomeness]

My kids attend quite a big club/organisation. The club is great, national champions from the kids group up to the professional group. But it’s grown hugely over the last few years so the committee needs to change as there are only a few members and they all have far too much to do. This is where my problem started.

They need two “managers” for each level of the club, and they are struggling with the juniors section (my kids are in this). I am quite involved as we are too far away to drop off and come back, so I stay there every week during practice when no one else really does.

However, I am a self employed single mum. There are literally not enough hours in the day for me to do everything I need to do to so I often work till 2am and average around 5 hours sleep a night. I use the time my kids are at this club to go swimming in the pool nearby, which is almost the only exercise I get. Or I use it to sit and catch up on admin/taxes/invoices etc for work. So it isn’t really free time.

I also have a couple of surgeries coming up, which will require recovery time and I’m so stressed and exhausted by it all. I cannot take on another role of responsibility so I don’t volunteer. I haven’t told the band people about these issues as they are private reproductive health issues and none of their business.

The president messaged me last night asking me to be one of these two managers. My role would involve keep an up to date inventory of equipment in possession of the group, signing out equipment as needed, arranging repairs on equipment and also supporting arranging and booking all the events, then coordinating those events, as well as being a responsible adult for the kids to come to with anything they need. I cannot do it. I’ve said no and the president has not replied. Which is not like him; he is never rude so I’ve pissed him off and disappointed the organisation.

There are loads of kids in this group, and loads of parents who live closer, are not single and have steady employment etc. Someone else could do it.

Have I done something really wrong here? I’m worried about kickback on the kids.

It's a shame I'm sure you'd help if you could but having recently been very involved with a PTA, they're actually asking you to do quite a lot of work, even small events are a nightmare to plan. If you don't have time you don't have time. I'd maybe give a bit of context and let him know much as you'd love to it just isn't possible to take on that responsibility. You've done nothing wrong 💐

Better off saying no now, then struggling to commit and making life harder for yourself, also for them if you took on the role and had to quit early on

If you have explained it exactly as you have here then I am sure it is fine and he’s just contacting others. If it’s a club run by volunteers though then everyone should do their bit if their kids benefit (my DH has run a cub pack for years and everyone has an excuse for not helping leaving it to a very small
minority to run something that the kids really benefit from and I think a lot of people are also incredibly selfish when it comes to community even though they or their kids benefit from it ). Perhaps you could offer to help sometimes even if not in this capacity just to share the load with others who will be equally as busy as you are

I already do. We go early to every event to set up, stay late to take down. I drive other kids about. I’ve taken my kids out of school to help them do their demonstrations at other local schools to promote the group and get new members, I stock the tuck shop on the night, cleaned the toilets at the end of the night, photocopy all the sheets each kid needs at the start of the night before I go to the pool. I do my bit.

But I don’t want it to move into an office capacity with responsibilities that fall way outside that time in practice nights and set up time during events.

I told him all my reasons for it, without giving the full medical details just said “health stuff that needs recovery time.” Not much else I could really say.

It would also involve committee meetings 6 times a year, plus attending the weekend events as a committee member even if my kids aren’t going, and my kids are at their dad’s every second weekend so I would end up giving up my only time to myself at least a few times a year. And I’d have to keep up with the whole organisations going ons because I’d be a voting member. It’s too much.

Your life, you have enough on 🤷‍♀️

I would have thought he’ll be absolutely fine with it and just has not had the time to respond to you yet then. I wouldn’t worry anymore about it. They’ll appreciate what you are already doing and probably asked more in hope than expectation

Yeah particularly if you have said health stuff you are being perfectly reasonable

Don't worry he's probably not only asked you. Just say no and am sure someone else will offer to do it. Don't give it a second thought

I hope someone else will step up, but they held a meeting last week during practice time and asked all parents to attend. There were 4 of us so…

That is what’s making me feel so bad. I’d have absolutely done it 10 years ago when life was different but I can’t. I’ve even left my book club because I wasn’t able to keep up with the reading.

OP you’re feeling bad because you’re a nice person and you’re over stretched and over thinking. The current manager has already moved on to asking the next person. And also, they may have thought they should ask you as you’re so visibly present and that you might get offended if they don’t ask you! I hope your recoveries go well x

You don't need to give all this info.

You were asked to do something you don't want or need to do and you've said no. All good.

I voted YABU as I just think you are overthinking this. He asked, you answered. That is all. There's absolutely no need to justify your decision.

He’s probably just busy (and stressed trying to find help) and not go round to replying to you yet. No rational person would be pissed off that someone doing all you describe here isn’t willing to do even more. And if he is, fuck him, because you’re more than pulling your weight. You’re not demanding everyone else bend over backwards to volunteer do your child’s benefit.

No, fuck him if he’s going to be rude. It’s his business/side business, not yours. You pay him so that your kids can go to their hobby.

My martial arts instructor is always trying to guilt students into being responsible for various tasks that should sit with him. Over the years I’ve been guilted into all sorts of side quests that I don’t have time for which he benefits from, and whilst I am still paying him fees. I’ve put my foot down now, and he has just found loads of other mugs. Now I get an extra hour a week to read my book/go to yoga.

You don't have to explain in detail why you can't do it. I think you'll find it's a case of "if you want something done, ask your busiest person", which is a saying because it's true. The type of person who will say yes and deliver is already taking on a lot. (Also, they often assume the mums will do it rather than asking the dads.)

Anyway, it sounds like they're asking too much for each role. If they are struggling to fill the roles then they need to fundamentally examine their way of working. Maybe they need to split the responsibilities across more people, so each person does a smaller amount. Maybe they need to pay for some of the work to be done. The answer is not for a few individuals to take on more than they are happy to. If the club can only run with volunteers then that needs to be part of the membership rules.

You are doing enough already. Don't ruminate over what someone may or may not think about your email resonate. He's probably prioritising other messages that require a follow-up.

He hasn't been rude though, just not replied.
Which is fine!

What the heck. We don't even know that his is a paid role

I think someone has to volunteer and everyone will have an excuse. He’s seen you sitting there and made an assumption you have some spare time. You’re not unreasonable to say no but you can’t expect him to be delighted about it.

You are providing a lot of practical support as it is. Tell them you are happy to carry on with this but business commitments prevent you taking in the manager role.

Definitely stick to your guns. I took on a role like this for one of my DCs clubs and it consumed me. The emails, meetings etc were non stop. The club secretary was resigning from their post and I can see even more was going to come my way (my DC had left the club by this point) so I gave them 3 months notice and resigned.

There is so much involved in running clubs and rarely money to pay someone to do it. They need to get more volunteers and spread the work or hire an admin person.

Don't feel guilty, I'm a people pleaser which sounds like you are as well. They're probably just disappointed they thought they had solved their problems. You do plenty for the club, I'm sure loads do nothing at all and don't feel bad.