Mothers Day celebration

[NobodysChildNow]

Because life likes being unkind, the 15th anniversary of my mum’s death lands on Mother’s Day this year.

I don’t really feel like doing anything and was hoping my kids would make their usual minimal effort, then we’d invite DH’s mum for lunch and it would just be a quiet day. But unexpectedly dh wants us all to go to his sister’s house as she has kindly invited dh parents and offered to make a buffet lunch for everyone. SIL is child free by choice and her mil lives in Spain.

I don’t feel like - family lunch. Id prefer to stay at home and crawl into bed and read and sleep. I know I probably should be trying to put my mum’s death behind me - it has been fifteen years - but I remember the days leading up to mum’s death in vivid detail and it’s still upsetting and I miss her and my dad, it’s still raw and painful to think about them.

I do love my MiL and I don’t want my SIL to feel snubbed so I’ve agreed to go, and suppress my emotions so that MIL has a nice day. Aibu? Would you agree to go in similar circumstances?

I would. I feel it’s important to remember and celebrate the lives of loved ones. Hope you can find some joy in the day.

Prioritise yourself
they should all understand x

I understand why you would feel like that OP. My DM has been dead for 5 years and sometimes it just hits you.

Stay at home. Your DH can explain. The only person that should be there is him.

The old me would suppress my emotions and needs and go. The desire to make others happy would’ve been at the expense of my own peace. The new me understands that sometimes I need to the priority. This sounds like something where I would need to prioritise my healing.
im sorry OP, grief is different for everyone and shouldn’t be rushed. You take what time you need. Your DH can still go.

I voted YABU to feel that you should go to SIL. Stay at home if that's what you're feeling you want/need to do

I would go along I think.Kindly OP 15 years is a long time.my DM has been gone that long as well. Mum always loved a party, she would like to think of me enjoying myself. I miss her most days .for me Christmas is always hard ,she passed a week before. A wise old Aunt said we may not feel like it but we have to go on form the others.(her DH passed Christmas night after mince pies and trifle as she told me happily) At 96 ! Reframe as a memory of Mum and all that you shared together ❤

I think it’s completely understandable to want a quiet day to yourself rather than a big family lunch. Sometimes you just need space to feel what you feel.

I think you should stay home if that's what feels right for you. They should understand.

The distraction might be good

Would there be ‘consequences’ if you don’t go? At this time of my life I’d say you do you OP. When it comes to the end nobody will remember you declining a Mothers Day ‘celebration’.

@dottiedodah you are exactly the person OP is up against. You are minimising her pain because ‘15 years is a long time’. Grief is forever and nobody’s grief is the same.

Its the natural.order of life for parents to die first and 15 years is a long time. Your mum would want you to live your life fully

Even if it was 15 years ago, you still have a right to feel upset about it. Perhaps I’m incredibly weak-minded but I still get teary over the death of my granddad and that was 27 years ago.

My SIL has a similar situation, OP. Her mum died a couple of years ago and we usually gather at my MIL on Mother’s Day (with my family also), so it’s a very hard day for her seeing us with our mums.
What has happened the last 2 years is her and my brother will head out in the morning to visit her grave, “have a cup of tea” and a chat with her, then leave SIL to get ready by herself for a couple of hours while he helps MIL prepare the food etc. Is it possible you could do something like this? Still honouring your mother, having a little amount of time to yourself (and I’m sure more in the evening), and joining in the fun with your family?

My brother has never gone out with someone who has a Dad. Sometimes if we did something for Father's Day or Dads birthday they opt out because it was too much, sometimes brother would come solo or he'd stay home. It never bothered us what she did, the only upset felt was that someone we cared about was upset.

wont Your dc want to enjoy Mother’s Day with you?. One if the things that’s helped my dh get through Father’s Day is the fact our dc try and make it nice for him. They come round for dinner or we all go out. Nice memories for them while dh is still here so that one day jn the future they can remember those Father’s days with fondness and know that dad knew he was very loved

You missed the "usual minimal effort" bit in the OP @bloomchamp . OP will see her DCs before lunch.

My DH is taking DS to MIL's after lunch. We don't have to spend the whole day together.

Ah yeah I missed that bit about minimal effort. Op is there a reason for them not putting much effort in? Is it because of how upset you get about Mother’s Day?

I wouldn't feel I have to go if I didn't want to. I would explain fully about how I feel and if SIL still feels that's a snub that's her problem.

It's completely reasonable for her to organise the event and invite you and completely reasonable for you to politely decline and send the others.

Isthisit I am not dismissing OP pain and her feelings on losing her DM.However it's not healthy in the long term to hold onto grief. My DM died a similar time .I miss her a lot ,but she and this lady DM will both want us to carry on with our own families. Sadly nothing will bring them back