Should we stop at one child?

[CocoBean22]

Ugh, I’m so fed up and confused I need some outsider insight.

Im 37 soon to be 38 and DH same age. We have a wonderful DS age 8 who turns 9 in June.
Our plan was to always have two children, but unfortunately sometimes plans don’t always go to plan…
We were not ready to try for baby number two until DS was 6, for one reason or another we enjoyed him and were ironically on the fence about another child at the time…
We realised when our DS was around age 6 we wanted another baby.
We got pregnant twice which ended in miscarriage before 8 weeks.
Then the third time we got pregnant and it ended in a very traumatic and life thread Ectopic Pregnancy where I had no idea at the time and was blue lighted to the hospital for emergency life saving surgery to remove my right fallopian tube and baby around 8 weeks gestation who unfortunately heartbreakingly had a healthy and strong heartbeat albeit in the wrong place 😢
The surgery went well and they removed my right tube, our baby was cremated at a beautiful meadow for Angel babies.
I was told that although my chances were slightly higher for another Ectopic there was no real change in fertility.

So that was in 2023, DS was 6, Me and DH were 35.
It took alot of emotional and physical healing, I’ve been left with an umbilical hernia where they did surgery.
We've been casually trying as in unprotected sex whenever during cycle but not tracking and no luck yet.
Our DS is now soon to be 9 in June, and me and DH are 38 in the next 3 months.
I am so confused and torn whether to keep trying for baby number 2.
Do we settle and be happy for our beautiful family of 3?
Am I too old now?
Is DS too old for a sibling now?
It breaks my heart when he says he would love a brother or a sister.
We have a big trio for my DS who has a competition in Australia in September 2027, so that is also weighing on my mind whether to jus decide we are one and done or stop and start after the trip next year but will I be too old?
I am just so confused, and sad.
What would you do?
Any advice or words of wisdom is greatly appreciated thankyou 🙏🏼

I’d stop at one now. He’s not really at the age where he’ll appreciate a sibling. Might as well make him centre of attention. That’s what I’d do anyway,

Definitely stop at one.

Only you can decide and your decision will be right for you.

People often want what they don't have-those with siblings are always complaining their brother/sister was the golden child and they didn't get much attention, and only children have no way of knowing if they'd get on with a sibling, or resent them. It is totally up to the parents-do it for you if you want to, not for your child, because there's no way of knowing if they'll get on, a lot of us aren't close to our siblings when we grow up. Only children often mature more quickly and do better at school, but obviously not always, it depends on the family.

I too would stop at one OP, but then I'm a great believer in fate, and it seems that life is trying to tell you, through the sad loss of your other babies, that a second child is not in your future.

I had a very difficult and frightening delivery with my first child, which really put me off trying for another for several years, by which time we were at a point in our lives, where other things had to take priority for 3 or 4 years. By the time things had settled down again, we realised that a second one at that stage, would mean putting a lot of other things on hold, which would be unfair on the child that we already had, so in the end we decided to stick with the one that we had, and lavish all of our love and attention on her, which I do believe turned out for the best.

stop at one

Stop at one

Hiya OP, didn’t want to pass without typing as I relate to this post so well. I’m 39 and have a 3.5 year old. Took years to conceive, finally conceived and had three losses before our son. Then at 35 I had our son. Due to age/history planned two under two but my body had other plans. When my son was six months old my thyroid attacked itself and we couldn’t try for 18 months until it normalised. Finally went, fell pregnant immediately and sadly baby’s heartbeat stopped at 10 weeks. Had an erpc and haemorrhaged after it which spooked me. Then a few weeks later we found out the baby we lost was a little girl with turner syndrome. I’ve been back and forth again and again about going again but following fertility testing and a few other bits we’ve decided not to and husband is having a vasectomy this year. My body like yours has been through so much. I knew in my gut last year we were done but it took ages for my head to catch up. I have good days and bad days but largely am at peace with it.

It’s a very hard and personal decision,I don’t think you’re too old but I do think you’ve been through a lot and that the age gap is significant so life is going to be a juggle with that if you go again. That’s not to say that age gap won’t be beautiful but it will be hard and that’s worth considering.

I saw another poster mention fate and thats played a big part in my decision to stop. I just feel we’ve had bad luck after bad luck and at some point I went this clearly isn’t for me. Now look not everyone sees it that way but I do and it’s given me great comfort.

ultimately I would just listen to your gut, if lots of doubts are there they’re there for a reason. Equally if you feel in your gut you have to go again then listen to that.

it’s all easier said then done and so personal. Look after yourself xxx

From everything you have said I think you should stop at one. What if something happened again if you did fall pregnant and you were rushed to hospital and died? You would then leave your son without a mum, which I am sure he would rather have over than a sibling he has never had and wouldn't know he was missing. One child means you can offer them a lot more as you aren't splitting time or money.