Aibu to feel really annoyed at dd friends or is this just how kids this age with their ‘friends’

[Emmz1510]

Ok so we had a sleepover at the weekend for dd (11.5) and three of her friends. We thought everyone had a nice time, they stayed up late talking, did nails, had snacks, the usual stuff and none of the girls were any bother at all. No dramas or fall outs or anything like that.

Now today my dd has come home from school really upset and not wanting to go to school tomorrow. She says two of the girls (H & A) have suddenly decided not to hang around with her anymore and were spending all their time with two other girls. My dd said H said in front of the two girls ‘I told you I don’t like you anymore’ (she didn’t). A hasn’t been as horrible but has decided to stick with H and the other two girls. The third girl, B, who to be honest is my dd oldest friend since they were 6, has stuck with my dd and bless her she and another friend called her after school to make sure she was alright.

DD is pretty heartbroken. I know girls this age can fall in and out of friendships and things can be pretty tumultuous, and it may well blow over. But should it? I’ve told dd to remember that they have done this and that they, aren’t friends if they can drop her like that. Now she’s picking over the sleepover trying to figure out what she might have done wrong but she’s sure all was good and feels they really bonded. I’m fuming, but trying to hold myself together for her.

Obviously I know I’m only hearing my dd side and I’ve tried to ask her if anything else happened without making it sound like I’m blaming her and I’m not naive enough to think that my dd is always totally innocent. I also know I’m likely to remember this much longer than her!

Are friendships always so difficult at this age and why are some of them so mean?

Also, am I right to think intervening will do no good? DD does not want me saying anything to their parents and honestly what would I say ‘H said she doesn’t like L any more and is now hanging around with two other girls and has ditched L’? Sounds pretty trivial when you put it like this, but my poor dd is hurt. Advice please.

I would just wait a couple of weeks for it all to blow over. At this age, that’s what’s most likely to happen and your DD is also getting to an age where her mum shouldn’t be so involved in her friendships.

Yeah, you can’t achieve anything by intervening. Just reassure your DD she did nothing wrong, and that the other girls aren’t worth being friends with if that’s how they behave. She can do better than that.

Best just be there and support your daughter. Support her but say nothing. As you said you'll remember this long after your daughter has forgotten. We always want to fight their battles. ❤️ Ynbu to feel how you are. But best left alone. Trust me there will be many more battles. I've 2 grown up daughters. Good luck

Yeah I know. I don’t usually get involved and I won’t this time. But I’m seething.

Who knows what happened at the sleepover. Could be that H & A observed that your DD's friendship with kind friend goes easy back and got jealous. Or could be a weird dynamic of teasing getting close to people of H.

DD has a friend who seems to 'dump' the friends in the group that she gets closest to. She is 17 and it's still going on! DD at one point was sad she was never able to be the 'bestest' friend but now she is grateful as she's never been really, really close but equally never been tightly embraced and then dropped.

My DD finally in sixth form has a better (and larger) bunch of friends which actually seem like fun friendships without drama. I would encourage your DD into less intense relationships if possible and not to be overly reliant on a few friends but it's pretty difficult and you just need to be there, listen and encourage.

Goes way back
Weird dynamic of fearing getting close to people

Sorry, odd typos

Keep reassuring her and checking in how they are being towards her. This happened to DD and it has affected her self esteem quite badly since then. The girls really ramped it up afterwards to the point I had to get involved, and spoke to the other parents. A horrible situation.

Oh dear what a shame for your dd! I thought by this age they were supposed to have developed some empathy for others.
Anyway, she’s just off the phone with her big cousin (13) who I’m informed always gives good advice! I could hear them laughing and sharing stories of their mutual mean girl friends experiences, which hopefully will be just what she needed.
Annoyingly H left a blanket and a fidget toy here that need to be returned to her. Dd doesn’t want me or her dad going to their house with them (which to be honest wouldn’t be advisable anyway). That means she’s going to have to take them to school. I’ve suggested she leave it a few days as H hasn’t specifically asked for them, when hopefully things will be less raw.

This has happened to my daughter on a couple of separate occasions when she was a bit younger. Once with a friend after a sleepover and once after a day out. Both were heavily supervised (eg I was with them the entire day on the day out) and there was absolutely nothing wrong, it seemed like the other girls just switched. I don't know if it was some weird power dynamic thing like where they realised my child was trying quite hard to give them a good time, lots of treats etc and felt like they had all the power or something, or some sort of jealousy (maybe they thought my child got treats like they had on those days all the time). But there was definite mean girl behaviour after. It gradually stopped after a few months but the friendships never fully recovered, my child never fully trusted them again. No advice other than don't give them back the power, don't ask them to sort it out, or ask what she's done wrong, they will likely just say that she should know or deny doing anything wrong, don't play the pick me dance, just tell them that's fine and leave them to it. From experience it makes them worse if you feed into it by acting bothered (easier said than done I'm sure)

You know it’s funny you should say that. I’ve thought at times when DD has had other sleepovers or been at other sleepovers, sometimes the friendships seem to become slightly cooler afterwards. Like, there is this big build up, planning it, looking forward to it, everyone has a great time, then afterwards she is talking about those friends a lot less, they are calling less, for a while. She’s always insisted all is well, seems happy, and it’s never been like this time with H, but an odd dynamic. Like the aftermath is an anticlimax, or they’ve ’had enough’ of each other for a bit. I don’t know. My sister has a son and she insists boy friendships are easier . My OH says the same.

This makes a lot of sense thank you. I was wondering if there might have been a jealousy thing going on. DD says H told her during the sleepover that it was the best ever! There wasn’t anything special really to set it apart from other sleepovers. I bought them some treats to eat and they had pancakes with all different toppings for breakfast. When she was younger I used to do more- maybe organising baking, or I’d get some pamper stuff in, but I pretty much left them to it this time.
Also, the two girls H is now hanging around with L has told me they are from the ‘popular’ group. That they vape and are allowed to go into town on their own and they play truant sometimes. I’ve tried to discourage DD from making assumptions or gossiping or passing on rumours. But I do wonder if that seems quite dangerous and alluring to some kids, including H. It’s such a tough time for them as preteens trying to figure out who they are.

Standard stuff for girls it seems

It never changes