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Original poster

Have I been an awful friend?

10 replies

Tiredboymum22 · 09/03/2026 16:41

I made friends with another mum over a year ago. We became close and our children got along. We spoke and saw each other every day and she helped me through a difficult time and I’ve also done plenty of favours for her.

Recently I’ve found our friendship a little overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy her company and our conversations, but she can be overbearing and a little bossy. She gives unsolicited parenting advice and has insinuated I’m less capable than her (which I am in many ways right now but I don’t like to be reminded).

She offers favours and seems offended if I refuse - even if I offer to see her in a different capacity. I left my phone in the bedroom the other morning whilst getting kids ready for school and when she couldn’t get hold of me, she rang my husband (no response) then turned up at my house. I have ADHD and struggle being organised, etc. Stuff like this throws me because it disturbs my routine. I know that sounds a bit pathetic but sometimes I need no distractions.

My mental health has been shit the last few years. I’m much less independent than I used to be but I’m trying to regain some agency over my life again which means working things out for myself and establishing boundaries/not falling into codependent relationships.

I’ve tried keeping the friendship but she honestly seems offended at the change of dynamics and me not seeing her as much (even though I’ve tried reassuring her that I’m trying to keep busy with clubs, etc., which is true) I want to remain friends but she’s now become friends with someone else in our friendship group and they’ve frozen me out.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me and I’ve gotten accused of being two-faced or a “user”. I have no intention of being those things but I do back off when I feel people are getting too controlling or viewing me as less than. I know it’s a cliche but maybe it’s a female ND thing.

Just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience?

OP posts:
90sTrifle · 09/03/2026 17:13

She sounds suffocating. You need your space to work things out and she wasn't respecting that. She's found a new friend to latch onto. Enjoy the peace!

PeachOctopus · 09/03/2026 17:26

I wouldn’t fret about it, she seems to have found another person who she can smother with her affections!
I bet in six months new friend will be going through the same thought process as you.

BauhausOfEliott · 09/03/2026 17:31

I left my phone in the bedroom the other morning whilst getting kids ready for school and when she couldn’t get hold of me, she rang my husband (no response) then turned up at my house.

Er, what? She sounds like a complete nutter if she starts calling your husband and turning up at your house just because you don't answer your phone.

Unless there's a massive dripfeed coming here, you're best off without her! She sounds like a bloody stalker.

VictoriousPunge · 10/03/2026 09:12

Totally agree that she sounds like a bit of a nutter and will now be smothering her other friend. I never understand why a small number of women seem to want friendships to be so intense and exclusive like you're either ten years old or you're dating! Fgs if she actually likes you as a person, she should be happy for you that you're in a better place, reading your signals about wanting some independence, and gladly joining you in to a wider group with her new chum.

Also wanted to say that it's not pathetic in the least to feel thrown off kilter if someone calls, or even worse appears at the door in the middle of getting kids ready for school. I'd never do that to anyone. These days I only have a dog to look after and I work from home but still find it really aggravating if someone calls me when I'm getting ready in the morning. And I don't have ADHD to cope with.

FacingtheSun · 10/03/2026 09:38

Focus on your own behaviour here, if this is, as you suggest, a pattern. If it keeps happening, it’s something you’re doing, or the kind of person you’re choosing as a friend. Obviously, I have only the information you’ve given here, but it sounds as if you became very close very fast, while your MH was poor, and you say you were ‘less independent” than usual, and it seems to have been a relationship where you were immediately ‘supporting’ one another, seeing one another daily and doing favours, rather than just making friends because you enjoyed one another’s company.

In future, I would not rush into closeness and daily contact, and I would focus on ‘Do I like this person?’ rather than dealing in mutual ‘favours’ and ‘support’. If you go straight from nothing to support and help at a time when you’re not feeling capable, you are essentially forming a relationship of need rather than choice, and it’s quite likely you will end up with hurt and misunderstandings when you no longer need that kind of input.

RashyMcRashFace · 10/03/2026 09:55

She turned up at your house?!!! That is not normal. At all. Other than my elderly parents it would not cross my mind to turn up unannounced just coz I couldn’t reach them by phone and even then there would need to be more context beyond one unanswered call

Anonanonanonagain · 10/03/2026 11:04

It is not you it is definitely her. I had one of these, well a few over the years and I also have adhd but it is nothing to do with that it is people overstepping boundaries and not listening when you say no or are busy. She has a new toy now so leave her to it. People like her are parasites in a way. Do not let her get under your skin.

Rhaidimiddim · 10/03/2026 11:33

"I left my phone in the bedroom the other morning whilst getting kids ready for school and when she couldn’t get hold of me, she rang my husband (no response) then turned up at my house."

This would be reason enough to put big distance between you and her. You were not the bad friend, she was.

Pherian · 28/03/2026 12:16

Tiredboymum22 · 09/03/2026 16:41

I made friends with another mum over a year ago. We became close and our children got along. We spoke and saw each other every day and she helped me through a difficult time and I’ve also done plenty of favours for her.

Recently I’ve found our friendship a little overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy her company and our conversations, but she can be overbearing and a little bossy. She gives unsolicited parenting advice and has insinuated I’m less capable than her (which I am in many ways right now but I don’t like to be reminded).

She offers favours and seems offended if I refuse - even if I offer to see her in a different capacity. I left my phone in the bedroom the other morning whilst getting kids ready for school and when she couldn’t get hold of me, she rang my husband (no response) then turned up at my house. I have ADHD and struggle being organised, etc. Stuff like this throws me because it disturbs my routine. I know that sounds a bit pathetic but sometimes I need no distractions.

My mental health has been shit the last few years. I’m much less independent than I used to be but I’m trying to regain some agency over my life again which means working things out for myself and establishing boundaries/not falling into codependent relationships.

I’ve tried keeping the friendship but she honestly seems offended at the change of dynamics and me not seeing her as much (even though I’ve tried reassuring her that I’m trying to keep busy with clubs, etc., which is true) I want to remain friends but she’s now become friends with someone else in our friendship group and they’ve frozen me out.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me and I’ve gotten accused of being two-faced or a “user”. I have no intention of being those things but I do back off when I feel people are getting too controlling or viewing me as less than. I know it’s a cliche but maybe it’s a female ND thing.

Just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience?

No. She sounds unhinged. Calling your husband, showing up at your house…. That’s insane.

I don’t know why you want to keep that friendship going. I’d personally tell her that her behaviour was too much and I didn’t want to see her again.

Tillow4ever · 28/03/2026 12:26

I can see the thread is a few weeks old but it looks like it’s been resurrected.

Initially I thought WTF at the friend calling the husband and turning up, until I read the following paragraph. What sort of mental health issues did you have @Tiredboymum22? Was there any thought or talk of suicide which would explain why this woman was so worried? If there was, it is less odd that she turned up when she couldn’t get hold of you or your husband. If there’s nothing like that anc she was simply trying to reach you to check if you’ve remembered it’s non uniform day or to meet en-route to school that’s beyond weird.

I too struggle with friendships, and often find myself confused with them. But if this is a pattern, are you getting very close to them and then withdrawing when you’ve had enough that might explain the two faced comments etc? On the face of it, you don’t sound unreasonable at all - but as you say it’s happened before it’s either a pattern of you being drawn to people who want to control you, or a pattern of you changing your behaviour - only you and they know the truth!

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