Playing happy families while secretly plotting to leave?

[hsmith77]

I guess I just wanted to see if anyone else was in a severely unhappy marriage but couldn’t leave straight away? How did you manage to “fake it till you make it”?

For context, we’ve been married 7 years with 3 kids and it’s as if I don’t exist anymore. To him I’m just a cook and cleaner and god forbid I want to nip out for a coffee by myself. He forgot our anniversary and then when I told him about it the next day his way of apology was a takeaway and a box of chocolates. I wanted a dessert but he was on the phone to his friend for so long , I got busy with the kids and then just collapsed into bed. No dessert and he went out.

I know I deserve better, I will leave but right now have no savings, job options (youngest is just a baby). I just wondered, has anyone else been through this? How did you function? I feel like crying because I’m so stuck.

Well we probably need a bit more context to be honest. What you have typed doesn't make him sound horrendous. But if you're unhappy then I suppose it's deeper than just forgetting an anniversary (which is something that happens to a lot of us!). Him buying you a present to make up for it shows he actually cares about you and doesn't want you to be upset. Not sure what the fuss about a dessert is...

Many women (rightly or wrongly) do most of the cooking and cleaning in the house, especially when they are SAHM. Does he work full time?

Do you communicate with him (as in, sit and have a chat over dinner / when the kids are in bed)?
Do you have a laugh together?
Does you care about each other?
Are you intimate / loving with each other?

I’m stuck too, so empathy here.
What did you do for work before kids?

This really. From what you’ve said here OP it doesn’t sound like a huge drama, if you are unhappy then you are unhappy though.

To be honest if you’re already at the point of not existing to him then continuing like that in the same house until you are ready to leave should be easier, you don’t need to play happy families when you are already living unhappily.

Unless there's a huge drip feed coming I fail to see what he did wrong here to be honest. He forgot your anniversary, and then apologised.

I do all the cooking and cleaning in my house but I've never said my dh sees me as a cook and cleaner. OP doesn't say she has an issue with cooking and cleaning. It's that she doesn't feel she exists anymore.

When I was a younger woman with small children, I was stuck in a similar position to you, OP. My ex, however, was pretty abusive (financially, emotionally, sex pest, unfaithful, you get the idea). I had zero family support so I had to plan my escape long term.

I studied for and achieved a professional qualification over a number of years and by this time my kids were all at school. Earning a wage gave me freedom and power to go it alone with the kids. I think that it also gave me a great deal of confidence, enough to stand up to him and get him to leave.

All those years tolerating him, I mostly jollied him along, ignored what I could (the nasty moods), put the kids first and lost myself in books.

It's a long journey to freedom but really worth it.

Why did you have a third child - you say your youngest is a baby, so things must already have been well downhill by then?

what do you mean “god forbid you go for a coffee”? would he give you a hard time about that?

Personally I’d try speaking to him about how you feel and telling him you will leave it it doesn’t change, rather than ‘secretly plotting to leave’ the person you’ve chosen to have kids with. If he was abusive I’d say differently, but marriage is hard work in the first several years after kids, you both have to work at it. Get a job and safe guard yourself of course, but just be honest with the guy rather than faking it and secret plots, you aren’t escaping a criminal mastermind.

Ahh, it’s awful isn’t it. Paralegal and wanted to qualify as a lawyer. He wanted kids and I was 24 , in love and naive so yup, here we are .

Thank you! It’s just when I’ve talked to him about it before he either gets really irate or starts using the children and I get sucked back in. Whereas this way I know what the end result should be , just need to find a way to navigate it in the meantime.

Yes! It’s like either take all 3 kids or don’t go. Only recently I’ve just been so fed up, I’ve left him with them and he’s not been happy.

Baby wasn’t planned.

Why the hell don’t Mumsnet ban stupid people who post idiotic comments like this

Op this just sounds like you need to properly talk to him and tell him you both need your own time and you need more help. Kids know, you can’t fake it. When we faked it our kids starting talking about divorce, making jokes about it obviously hoping we’d say ‘but why would we when we live each other?’ which we didn’t say and the house collapsed in on itself to be honest. Mh problems all around. We ended up unable to split up as we realised financially we’d both be fecked and actually we had both just taken the other for granted. Talk to him and if you’re breaking up don’t leave it. I also feel I have to remind you the kids are very young and you’ll both be exhausted and feel hard done by

@JaneawayThank you so much- I’m so sorry to hear you went through all of that and so happy you are now free! Any tips on how to get on day by day? Sometimes it’s so difficult to just press ignore 😭 really gets me down .. but I need to play the long game x

This is just a question. Why is it so idiotic?

The OP is obviously unhappy and wants to leave. In that case she should be discussing it with her partner instead of planning a covert move.

She does sound a bit childish though, as in wanting a dessert and being annoying because it wasn't forthcoming.

I am not sure how happy she would be as a single parent or in another relationship.

@Nevertriedcaviarwould you be upset if your husband of 7 years forgot your 7th year anniversary. Then instead of taking you out (even if it was for a Nando’s or kfc) just the two of you, decided to order a takeaway and then cheaped out on the dessert. Did you not get the part where he was on the phone to his friend and then instead of staying at home for some quality time together (once I had put kids to bed) went out with his friends?

I know the answer is to leave if I’m unhappy but you can’t sometimes just pack a suitcase and walk out the door. So I’m just asking for my mumsnetter supporters to help me through this bit.

Not exactly the same situation but my kids have additional needs, and i stayed in a failing marrage for years because couldn't meet their care needs alone. I was already doing 90% of the work, and resenting him massively, but I just didn't have any more to give, so needed his tiny contribution (eg. Watching TV with eldest for an hour, so I could do bedtimes one kid at a time).

Tbh, the real nail in the coffin was the kids getting melatonin prescriptions. Once I was getting more then two hours of consecutive sleep, I no longer needed the lazy abusive arse. I'm still exhausted, but the house is so much calmer and happier.

You don't need to physically leave.
You don't need to have any income (assuming you are in the UK).

Step one - see a solicitor and file for divorce. Borrow the fee if necessary. Permanently move into another room to sleep (spare room if you are lucky, or mattress on the floor of children's room, or on the sofa)

Step two - close any joint accounts to separate your finances. Take half of what is in any accounts. Get any income you have paid into a current account in your name only. Consider taking your name off half the household bills in case he refuses to pay and you are left with the bills.

Step three - put in a claim for Universal Credit in your name as a single parent. He may still be living in the house but you are not living together as a couple, so you claim as a single separated person pending divorce being finalised.

You can do this without him agreeing or him leaving, although at some point when he sees the writing on the wall he probably will leave. If not, he will have to leave after the final divorce settlement.

@Sprogonthetynethis- I swear- I just need to not always feel on edge and just be in charge of my own life! I can handle the exhaustion just not sacrificing my life for someone who just takes you for granted and like you said, the house feels calmer.

@StandingDeskDiscookay- I didn’t even know this was an option!!!!!! But honestly, he wouldn’t be happy with it and I don’t want our fighting disturbing the children. Also, I really don’t want to be draining the public purse especially in these times! 😭 -

"draining the public purse"
To me, that is right-wing nonsense. Benefits are there for people who need them. If you meet the requirements, you are entitled.
We have a system of social security in this country because in civilised societies it is recognised we should always support those in need.
And if you are going through a divorce whilst having no income, you will be in need. As as taxpayer, I am absolutely more than happy that my taxes are going to help women in need of financial support.

But your mileage may vary.