To think I caused son’s heart defect

[Bagelqueen88]

I didnt take any pre-conception vitamins with my second because we weren’t actively trying. My son was born and had a congenital heart defect which was not detected in scans. I have always worried that I did something wrong that caused it; one thing being that I didn’t take any prenatal vitamins. I’d recently managed to put this guilt to bed but I found out a few days ago that a friend is pregnant and she’s been trying for a while. She said that she’s been on prenatals for ages just in case she fell pregnant. It made me feel so guilty.
I know I can’t change anything now, but sometimes it’s hard to live with.

Very gently you're being wildly unreasonable. How many hundreds of thousands of years have humans been conceiving babies, with no prenatal vitamins?

Thanks for all your replies.
I’ve recently had EMDR therapy which was amazing and helped so much to process the trauma. I just think the guilt side of things and wishing I could go back and do it all ‘perfectly’ is maybe the part that will never go away. I also feel really sad that my husband feels our family is complete and doesn’t want any more children now, so I can never have the newborn phase again we missed out on with my son (he had surgery to correct his heart as a newborn and is doing amazing now, you’d never know about his condition really).
We have a 6 year old too and he was a Covid baby so didn’t have a normal newborn experience then either!

I do suffer with ocd so the “what ifs” are something I really struggle with probably more so due to the ocd

Goodness me you absolutely cannot have caused a heart defect, and a vitamin absolutely wouldn’t prevent one. Please stop being mean to yourself. Would it help to think what you would say to a friend in this situation? I’m sure you wouldn’t let them blame themselves

No, this is not your fault. It has nothing to do with what you didn't do. What matters is now. Your son has a loving mum and that is so important. 🌺

Of course you didn’t

Its not your fault. Think how many people fall pregnant accidentally - heart defects would be absolutely rife if this were a cause. It's only relatively recently in the grand scheme of history that we have been doing this, yet here humanity is, still going.

I didn't take any prenatals with either of mine. Neither were planned. I also smoked and had a few glasses of wine before I discovered my first was on the way. Thankfully I found out very early. I just quit everything and started taking folic acid and vitamins with both as soon as I was aware.

Both my girls are completely healthy.

Oh love, you absolutely didn't cause his heart defect! I can only imagine how traumatic this has all been for you, please do talk to his doctors about your worries so they can reassure you. You sound like a lovely mum so your little one is lucky to have you. Be kind to yourself 💐

@Bagelqueen88 i suspect you know that you are being massively unreasonable deep down, but have some intrusive thoughts that require clarity. Women who are pregnant can have cancer which requires medical attention nobody would find ideal for pregnant women, women who have no idea they’re pregnant for early weeks will drink, do drugs, some women are so sick during their pregnancy they are at risk of dying from dehydration.
And those babies are overwhelmingly healthy.
You didn’t do anything wrong x

Just to add my 2 penn'orth. You did nothing, absolutely nothing, to cause a birth defect. It's a sad reality that sometimes things go wrong in pregnancy. You could do all the right things and baby could have a birth defect. You could do all the wrong things and have a bouncing baby, perfect in every way.
I had 3 miscarriages prior to having a live birth. I tortured myself with thoughts that I had done something wrong to cause those miscarriages. I didn't, I know that. I've come to terms with it being just one of those things.
Please, OP, try to think that way. You did nothing wrong.

The vast majority of, vast majority of the world’s immense population doesn’t take vitamins, or even eat the nourishment we have.

One of mine was born with a ‘congenital abnormality’ and I did go through similar guilt about the many things I may or may not have done pre conception or before I knew I was pregnant.

Our consultant told me that in the millions of cell divisions that happen post conception, it is hardly surprising that some randomly go off piste.

I didn't take pre-natal vitamins with mine. A lot of women don't. You did not cause this.

As a loving mum of course you worry and you feel you should or could have spared your child having this issue. It's very natural. However, as an aside please please for the sake of your child don't let yourself get overwhelmed by anxiety. I grew up with a very health-anxious mum (whom I adore) but it was often too much for me even though there was nothing wrong with me at all in my childhood. I don't think she realised how much of her anxiety I could pick up on and it wasn't good for me. Now that I've just received a diagnosis for something benign but that can't be ignored, I am considering not telling her at all because I just could not deal with her anxiety on top of my own concerns. Don't be in that position down the line. You want your child to come to you with worries but they won't if it makes you spiral.

My DD did take folic acid for 6 months before becoming pregnant. Her baby however had a serious heart issue ( HLHS) and didn't survive. No guarantees

You didn't do this. DD aged 19 (DC3) has CHD. She is at university sitting a Masters and enjoys sports.
She is checked yearly, but other than that she leads a pretty normal life. It doesn't define her and I doubt her flatmates even know.
One of her DBs has to carry epi pens. Allergies run in my family. You will torture yourself if you let 'mum guilt' get to you. You can't blame yourself for something you couldn't possibly have known about.

Yes. That is why I said "your baby would most likely have had the heart defect even if you had taken the folic acid".