Break ups and parents-in-law?

[askmeaboutmycat]

This might be a bit of a weird one.

I've been with my husband for 22 years. Married for 10. Married life has been difficult and there's been a combination of a massive decline in his mental health, increase in his addictive behaviours and just a huge gap between my hopes for my life and reality. I've tried to fix things, tried to wait it out, got angry, got upset... but it's all been in vain, and we are separating. We weren't able to have children.

In amongst all this, his parents have been so lovely. His mum is one of my biggest supporters, calls me the daughter she never had and both his parents know that I facilitate 90% of the times we spend together. Even though they live less than 15 mins drive away, he would see them once a year for Christmas if left to his own devices. His brother lives two hours away and visits twice a year. I help a lot, taking them both to hospital and doctors appointments, taking them out to the shops, helping around the house etc.

WIBU to keep contact with them? Would it be weird if I did? I worry for them both, in their 80s now and not in great health, with two sons who barely check on them.

Nope not weird at all. We’re very close to my DH ex’s family. DH and his ex did separate on good terms which I guess they’ve didn’t have to ‘pick a side’ - do rarely see Ex but that’s because we’re visiting in-laws and she doesn’t live there. When his ex MIL died we were pulled to walk behind the coffin.

Not weird at all. You have developed your own relationship with them over a prolonged period.

My husband remained in contact with his former MiL after he and his first wife divorced. In fact, she came to our wedding.

My husband and his ex-wife are civil but not amicable. At family events, his former SiL still comes over for a chat.

Not sure why It would be a problem. It doesn't sound as if you're going to bump into him there.

Not at all. I'm still close with my ex in laws and they'd see far less of their gc if I wasn't as he rarely bothers. Ex doesn't like it because he's not been at to spin his tales of how terrible I am but hey ho. He cheated and left so there's no reason why his parents should have cut me off.

I’m still in touch with MIL, FIL passed very soon after we parted but it’s not their fault so why punish them. Punish us a strong word but I’m sure you get my drift

Not weird at all. They would probably be very sad to lose you from their lives, and why should they? They haven't done anything wrong, and it doesn't sound as though they have anyone else looking out for them so they're lucky to have you.
Are you worried that your ex will make an issue of it? If so he has no right. He doesn't get to dictate who you spend your time with.

My Gran kept in touch with her son’s ex wife for her whole life. They didn’t have kids so it wasn’t because of any grandchildren, she just really liked her and they were close. At first my uncle was on friendly terms with his ex but that changed after he remarried but my Gran remained neutral.

I don't think it's weird provided you'd be either ok at events together or understand that their son would get priority at events like their parties!

Not weird and it’s happened with families i know. Be prepared that it might not actually work out that way and they might take a side.

I divorced 30 years ago and kept in regular contact with my ex MIL who was lovely (FIL was dead) until she died in her 90s. My ex DH (her son) did very little for her, whereas I visited a lot, especially when she ended up in a home.

It's not weird. Please keep in contact with them if you want to.

The person I call mum is actually my ex mother in law, she is the closest I’ll get to having a parent, when we split she’d been my mum for almost seven years, so almost all of my adult life at the time.

A relationship ending doesn’t have to mean losing the people who also have a relationship with the ex. Me and my ex though are really good friends, so that makes things easy for us as theres no awkwardness etc when we’re all together.

I’m still in touch with my ex MiL and Ive been divorced over 10 years. There’s no reason not to cut contact, she was always fine with me and she’s my DC’s grandma.
She also told me I was doing the right thing when I split us from her son and she’s never taken sides. There are a lot of situations where it wouldn’t work to keep in touch with ex in-laws but ours is fine and we all behave like adults.
If you want to continue to support your in-laws then go for it, but be aware of what you’re taking on. Sounds like her family will dump the caring responsibilities on you in a heartbeat so don’t do it at the expense of your health or sanity.

I think it can be done but you need to play it properly. STB ex SIL reckons that we have all cut her off since she split with DB when what has actually happened is we all messaged her when it was first announced and she sent slightly dismissive replies and then she started being a huge bitch to my brother.

Had she called my parents and explained, especially when we had been close, I think it might have been different.

It sounds as though your ILs already know your H is the problem and are supportive. It will be hard though. Their loyalty will be to H and if he doesn’t want them to see you then they might not.

I think honestly and openness about the separation with them (not just via your H) is the best way forward to maintaining a relationship.

Nope. My dhs ex in laws have stayed in our house on holiday. One of my friends carried on visiting her ex MIL in her care home after they split till she passed away.