Friend and money

[Milya]

I’ve got a friend who is… very competitive about money. She’s constantly talking about her earnings, her promotions and lately, she’s been going on and on about buying a house. Honestly, it feels like she’s just showing off rather than sharing, and it gets a bit much.

im trying to buy a house too and have some inheritance behind me. I would never have mentioned this but she pushed me to say how I was funding the deposit and looked agog when I mentioned I was lucky to have this.

also worth mentioning that I’ve done a career change where my salary has dropped and previously earned six figures. I never explicitly said this. She now goes on and on about her amazing promotion and new amazing salary which means she can buy a beautiful house and it feels pointed.

She also can’t resist commenting whenever I mention anything to do with my own finances, even though I don’t usually go into full detail. It’s like nothing I do with money is ever just normal… she has to turn it into some comparison or judgment.

I really like her otherwise, but this constant focus on money is starting to get under my skin. I feel a bit guilty for finding it annoying, but I can’t help it.

AIBU for wishing she’d just keep the money talk to herself sometimes?

Can’t you just change the subject? “Talking about money is so boring Susan.”

I feel a little like I’ve opened Pandora’s box by having these frank house buying convos with her as I’m a very private person and feel quite bruised and battered by it. She seems to just want confirmation that she’s doing best (I’m doing it alone, she’s in a couple) and it’s frustrating to be used as a benchmark. A lot of close people to me have passsed away in recent years (very very sadly) and for that reason I do have some money behind me. I also used to have a very lucrative career. It’s annoying me that by nature I keep all of this stuff private. I almost want to shake her and be like you would hate it if you knew the truth but instead I feel like I’m having to lowball and white lie my way out of it and justify how and why I’m able to buy on my own while she crows about how rich and self made she is

Stop engaging in the conversation.

Is she your friend? friends don’t compete and would have a conversation about how this is making you feel.

Don't engage with her at all, on the subject of money, or property buying. Tell her you don't want to discuss your finances with her or with anyone. She's being very gauche.

Just avoid her for a while and the money talk will go away naturally.

Can you just say, 'Do you mind if we drop all the talk about money? I find it awkward and it makes me feel uncomfortable.' If she's a good friend she'll say of course and change the subject.

Surely if she's your friend you can tell her to stop all the competitive money talk?

Yes obviously I can ask her but it’s a tricky subject

I have never found keeping my finances to myself, tricky.

I don’t normally find it tricky. Like I said I’m a very private person. She can be pushy and also I hate to say it competiitve. She does have lots of good qualities but she does push.

But well done you @bringthewashingin

This isn’t how friends behave. I’d just back away from the friendship, let it fizzle out and get on with your life.

She does have lots of good qualities but she does push.

She can push all she likes, it doesn't mean you have to fall over backwards. If you don't want to end the friendship, grey rock. 'Oh that's nice' etc. If she asks you specific questions you can still give vague answers.

And if she doesn't get the hint, give up.

Thank you.

Is she actually competitive about money or is she making conversation and updating you about her life. Surely telling your friends about a promotion and a house move is normal conversation

@youalright she is competitive because I mentioned in passing about a small inheritance and her mouth literally dropped open and she looked quite angry. She also asked me how I was funding purchases and has probed about salary in the past. She doesn’t like it if you’re doing better.

Oh ok if that is genuinely what happened and its not something you are over sensitive about and seeing things that arent there then no yanbu

Obviously I wasn't there, and didn't hear the tone or judge the body language and facial expressions, but, I do think it is pretty normal when you are thinking of committing to a mortgage and the biggest spend you will ever make, it can be quite anxiety inducing as well as exciting. So I think it isn't unusual to have lots of conversations with other people at the same stage in life, to just check you aren't missing something, and that you are doing things absolutely the right / best way. It is unchartered waters as a ftb, so I'd think it odd if people didn't have conversations like this. I know I did coming up to 40 years ago when I was buying my first property and I know all the young adults in my life talk about this sort of things with their friends. Things like the pros and cons of a new build vs not or LISAs or Help to Buy schemes and protecting deposits if buying with a 2nd person and mortgage brokers and life assurances and all the other things you give some consideration to.

Of course, if you can't distract / deflect questions that you don't like - or be honest about the pain as well as privilege that comes with inheritance - then perhaps see less of her for a while. But lots of talk about house buying is pretty normal to me, as would new jobs / promotions.