Help regarding unwell grandparent

[eyupemily]

Grandpa is 95 and was otherwise in good health up until 2024 when he suffered a stroke. Since then his health has declined, now unable to drive (rightly so) and mobility and cognitive function has declined alarmingly. He still lives in his own home with help from myself and my mum although I cannot do as much as I’d like due to work and young dc. My mum has given up work to help care for him but she has MH issues and isn’t coping well at all.
He was under the stroke team and has also been under the MH team due to memory loss and other odd behaviour. They suspect dementia and we will have a formal diagnosis in the next few weeks.
Despite not coping, my mum seems very reluctant and non proactive in seeking any support. Carers would help, if not residential care which I personally feel would be in his best interests at this point but appreciate it’s a huge upheaval for him.
Im frustrated with my mum because she continually complains and is actually quite nasty with my grandpa at times (and me) because she can’t cope. I know that it’s hard to see her dad decline like this but she needs to do something because this situation will only get worse.
Does anyone know of any processes we could look into? Who may be able to help? He is obviously in the system and I’d have thought the MH team would have been able to signpost them to some support but as it is we are just going round in circles.

Need to get adult social services involved to do an assessment. Post this on the elderly parents board not AIBU you will get much better responses.

Is Adult Social Care involved? If not, you need to speak to them about a care assessment for your Grandad. Are you concerned that your mother is mistreating him? He is very vulnerable and if she's being nasty to him (verbal abuse? physical?) then you need to speak to adult social care and report it. He needs safeguarding. It sounds like his needs would best be met in residential care. Does he need help to bathe, dress, eat etc? Is he in danger of wandering if left alone?

Not physical but if he says something silly she will argue with him, lots of huffing and puffing and not a lot of patience and kindness from what I can see. But if I bring this up I get the whole ‘well you try doing it then’ spiel. I understand it’s hard and I also feel like he would be better in residential care but they won’t have it.
He is able to shower independently but it’s best if someone is around as there’s a real risk of him falling or not being able to get out safely. He is able to warm up meals but not cook.
Adult social care was what I thought but I feel like my mum needs to be on board with this.

Does someone have POAs before he gets the dementia diagnosis?
What's the reasoning for not getting in some help? Money? An idea that it should be family caring for their elderly? Not wanting strangers involved? Knowing that will help you find ways forward and what arguments that will be successful.

Are your mum and grandad in recicpt of all possible benifits? Attendance allowance is probably guaranteed in his circumstances.

Have you suggested looking into respite care, day centres, or community groups aimed at older people eg church groups. Something he could attend which would provide a break for your DM

If they're not willing to have careers, would they be willing to buy in other forms of home help to ease the load on your mum eg a cleaner, gardener, send out washing to a laundrette etc.

What support does your DM have for her own MH? Suggest she needs more - therapy, medication, carers peer groups etc

I suspect money is a factor. Also the fact that my mum cannot seem to make decisions. She will moan about something in the house being broken but won’t just go out an replace it or get someone to fix it. She’s not proactive.
She is adamant she won’t get help for her own issues. There are also alcohol addiction issues involved and I strongly suspect she drinks while she’s with my grandad. Again, arranging help for herself would involve some willingness and action on her part which she just won’t do. I have had to distance myself somewhat because I’ve grown up with my mothers drinking and I am not prepared to be around it any more. I need to have my own boundaries too. However this becomes muddied when I’m concerned about my grandpa.
Attendance allowance is in place.
I am looking into one potential community group at the moment, whether or not my grandpa will agree to go I’m not sure.
I think with more support - ie someone putting these things in place for them - it might be easier. Left to their own devices they will just keep on struggling until he passes away.