To find it hard to be close to my mum?

[CuteCandle]

I don’t have my own kids yet but wanted to get some mums opinions.

When I was 16 my parents divorced. I was happy for them because they weren’t a good match anymore and argued a lot. I moved in to a new house with my mum. When I was 17 she met a new man. He was very wealthy but wasn’t a very nice man, was rude to her and my family, didn’t make an effort to get to know me, had very conservative values which clashed with our working class family. He lived on an island a 1.5 hour flight away from our hometown. After 6 months she decided to move in with him on that island. I was never asked if I wanted to come to (even though I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to anyway). She left me to talk to my dad about moving back in with him. My dad is a good dad but was struggling with a minor drug and alcohol problem which is one of the reasons they divorced.

I was moving to university in a year or so’s time so wasn’t in that situation for long, but now I’m an adult who has a job working closely with teenagers, I am shocked my mum left me like that. I remember being hurt at the time but now I’m older I have more understanding of why it hurt. Me and mum also argued quite a bit growing up, the usual teenager stuff but she found it hard to regulate her emotions too and would often escalate things, but we did/do also get on as friends.

Now I find it hard to be really close with her and let her into my life. She isn’t with the bad man anymore but is with another man who I’m also not close with. She makes a big effort with me always messages me etc but has never apologised. Am I being unreasonable to still be hurt?

@CuteCandle I had a similar-ish mother. I was never close to her. She was very young and I was mostly left with my grandmother.

I had a similar-ish father who did drugs, alcohol, also sexual abuse of me age 17. Very successful career in the advertising business.

My similar-ish mother also moved on to a wealthy step-father (and then another).

To me, you are not unreasonable to find it hard to be close to your mother. It doesn't sound as if she's ever tried. Text messages aren't enough.

YANBU. She bailed on you as a teenager and left you to fend for yourselfagainst the very adult problems with your father which she herself clearly didn't think were livable with when she divirced him. She put her new shiny relationship aboce supporting her daughter at the point where kids often need the most support. She sounds selfish and emotionally immature.

It sounds like a difficult and sad situation for you. I could not imagine moving in with a boyfriend and leaving my teenage daughter alone! No doubt that’s had a huge impact on your life.
However, what’s the point in silently carrying the hurt and not do anything to remedy it. For that, you are unreasonable. Discuss it with your mum, have some counselling. You are not that teenager now, find a way to release it.

Your mum picked a man over you and you have every right to be hurt by that however as an adult I would be open to forgiving her and definitely having the conversation with her and try to see her pov on things was she struggling mentally, was the man controlling etc depending on her response would depend on how our relationship would be going forward. If she takes zero responsibility or worse blames you then I'd have very little interest in a relationship going forward

No that would hurt me.

it’s not ok and shows where you sit in her priorities so you can now use that information to adjust yours, no point supporting her etc if she needs it.

She did not put you first. No wonder you feel this way.

I don’t blame you. In your situation I would feel contempt for her tbh.

I struggled to feel close to my mother when she was alive. She didn’t abandon me and on paper she was a kind and loving mother but she tolerated years of cheating and poor behaviour from my father her whole life was an exercise in pretending and papering over the cracks. I lost respect for her and although there was no falling out I never had a close relationship with her.

When she died I was sad but I didn’t grieve for her as such and I miss my dad (who was a bit of an arsehole) more than her. It sounds weird but I felt at some level she was a bit fake.