AIBU to go low contact with in-laws who show little interest in my DC but make effort with other GC

[Easterbun1929271]

I’m starting to feel like I’m going mad and could really do with some outside perspective. My partner’s parents make a lot of effort with their other grandchildren (including my DSD who lives with us). They see her regularly and will happily drop her back to our house after visits.

What bothers me is that when they drop her off, they often don’t even come in to see our son — their other grandchild. They’ll just drop her and leave. There’s rarely any effort made specifically to see him.

What makes it harder is that when they drop their other grandchildren back to my BIL & SIL’s house, they will go in and spend time seeing their other grandchild there. So it’s not that they’re just doing quick drop-offs everywhere.

I’m not expecting equal time down to the minute, but it does feel odd to make regular effort with some grandchildren while barely acknowledging another who lives in the same house.

It’s starting to bother me more and more and makes me feel like I’d rather reduce contact rather than keep putting myself in situations where the imbalance is so obvious.

AIBU to feel this way, or is this something I should just accept as one of those things with grandparents?

It does sound a bit odd.

Have you spoken to them about this?

You haven't mentioned how your husband feels about his parents behaviour?

As pp have said what conversations have you had about this?

Do they take him out on his own?

If you want to put that boundary in place it’s ok to do so if it’s advocating your child.

What’s the age difference? Some people bizarrely just aren’t interested in very young children!

What are the ages of all the GC?

At the SIL house are they inviting them in and encouraging visits?

Does your DP do the same and ask him mum over?

What's your relationship like with in-laws?

Granted there is an age difference one is 10 (DD) the other is 1 (DS).

We are never asked to bring DS over (we did for a while to keep the relationship and realised we were making all the effort) and they never offer to come over to see DS either.

They arrange to take DD out but don’t mention anything about DS, not even popping in to see him for a few minutes.

DP agrees they aren’t making any effort, and is happy for me to take whatever stance I want but he also isn’t proactively taking DS to see them anymore.

I just feel so disappointed by it all.

Just to put it into context, our children and BIL/SIL children are the same age. They see the others and DD but rarely DS.

I personally have invited them in on many occasions and to come over, including when I had just given birth but they still didn’t see DS unless we took him to them.

Where’s DSD’s mum in all this?
Some sort of loyalty towards her? How are they with you?

Your DP needs to have a discussion with them.

That is odd, they’ll take dsd for days out but nothing for ds?
do they have issues with you? How long have you and dp been together?

Have you considered other reasons why?

Is your child the youngest? What are the ages?
When are the different drop offs in terms of schedule?
What are the distances involved?
Have BIL/SIL actively invited or insisted they stop over during a drop off?
Have you?

How well do you get on?

It doesn't sound as they they're particularly enamoured by you.

Has there been any fallouts in the past?

Were they shit with dd when she was a baby?
How old are they?
Do you have a bad relationship with them / is there back story?

Being engaged with babies at 65 is one thing ....10 yrs on its another.

Id have issues with the different treatment if it extended to cash / gifts as well.

I mean it’s good that DP said he will agree with you on the stance you take but, really he needs to speak to his parents about this.

I am going to be honest DD is 10 I understand them taking her out more I do get that but it is odd that they don’t seem interested in your DS at all.

Your DH needs to speak to his parents or another thing I can suggest is asking them to baby sit him on a semi regular basis…

But you don’t need to go NC because they are already LC with you. Just carry on as you are. At least that way there is a possibility of some sort of relationship.

Maybe they think DSD is a bit insecure and make a special effort with her. You said she lives with you; where is her mum? Do you treat the two children the same? Sounds like they are just looking out for her.

So your DD isn’t their direct GD? But your 1yo ds is their GS?

maybe it’s because a 1yo isn’t as interactive as an older child? Could your DP ask his parents ?

I could’ve written this my in-laws have got such an odd relationship with my stepdaughter. The imbalance is huge they spent hundreds on her on trips out etc. They have never taken our kids out ever - not even to McDonalds for a happy meal. My SIL is like this with her too. What makes it worse is she’s got an older brother too so it’s not even a me versus the old family, I used to feel sorry for my stepson before I had our children.

Honestly, it’s done her no favours she’s an adult now and she still thinks that she is the main character in the family and acts like a princess.

The kids don’t notice because I don’t bring it up there’s enough of a gap for them not to really register, I’m just happy that they’ve got a decent set of grandparents on my side and I try to do little nice things for my stepson to make up for it here

Thanks for the replies.

DS is 1 and DSD is 10, so I completely understand that a 10 year old is easier to take out for days out than a toddler. I’m not expecting the same level of activities.

There hasn’t been a big fallout between me and them. We’re polite but not particularly close, but nothing dramatic has happened that would explain the situation. Previously GP were the same with DSD and her cousins, they favoured cousin and made little effort with DSD. Now DS has come along it’s all changed so he’s the new “outcast”.

What I find difficult is that when they drop DSD back to our house they will often just drop her at the door and leave rather than coming in to see DS at all. Yet when they drop their other grandchildren back to BIL & SIL they will go in and spend time with their other grandchild there.

So it’s not that they don’t go into people’s houses, which is why it sometimes feels quite pointed.

I absolutely want DSD to have a good relationship with them and I would never want her to feel less included. But at the same time it’s hard not to notice that DS seems to get very little interest or effort from them at all.

It may very well be that they are not as close with me as other, but I would never expect that to come in between a relationship with their GC?