I am struggling a little with Mother’s Day approaching, trying to amalgamate my conflicting experiences with my mother, growing up, and as an adult. I would appreciate any thoughts, similar experiences or what a completely non-toxic mother/daughter relationship is like?
Some examples of the experiences I struggle with:
I tried to kill myself as a teenager (this was pretty out of character as I definitely seemed like a happy go lucky girl), and my mum took one day off work to be with me the day after I came out of hospital. She tried to talk to me and I tried to explain where my head was at but I wasn’t really listened too. Alongside her listening I was told that I embarrassed my dad because he worked at the hospital and what would his workmates think? I was also told off for my messy bedroom as, what if ambulance workers had had to come in, what would they have thought? I overheard her on the phone to my school and telling them that it was me attention seeking. I was then told off by a senior leader in school when I returned to school the next day. Nothing else changed really other than rules about me going out to socialise getting stricter. No counselling, nothing. But this was the late 90’s so I guess this was the norm. I had alluded to my mum about a neighbour who had sexually abused me as a young child but this was ignored and brushed under the carpet.
i have a memory of when I was 12 years old. I hit puberty and got hips and when I went to try on my summer holiday clothes of shorts etc from the year before (before we went away) they were too tight. My mum got cross with me because she would have to buy me some new clothes that fit, the ones from the year before were lovely and wasted. She then put the shorts on instead and said oh well they fit me (in a gloating way) and said she would wear them instead. I was then sent into town with a little money and told to buy one pair of shorts that would fit me. Not that it matters but I was a slim teenager, I just had hips.
When I was an adult I reported the man who abused me as a child to the police. The case went to court and I had to testify. It was harrowing. The day of the verdict I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want my parents to be there. My sister was going. In the morning my mum had my dad try to sneak out against my wishes, because what would it look like to everyone there if he wasn’t there to represent the family. I stopped him going when I saw. Later she insisted I get out of the house so we walked into town for a coffee. I wore sports clothing so I would be comfortable. In town she told me she was annoyed at me for dressing like that, I normally dress so nicely and why would I make an embarrassment of myself. Ten minutes later the verdict came back with not enough evidence to convict, and she cried and made it about her and what the family had had to go through with this trial. Whether this was her intention, but I felt like I was a terrible daughter for putting them through the trial for no reason.
There are other stories but I can’t type forever.
But there is good stuff too and this is why I’m conflicted. I know she loves me and my siblings. She will fly over to be with me if I ever need her (I live elsewhere), she thinks she is a helpful presence even though this isn’t the case.
She will buy me things, send me money, has helped me get in the property ladder etc. so financially and gift wise she is great. I guess her love language is gifting.
She thinks that we are best friends but I have never really had the emotional support I need from her. I understand that she is just not capable of giving it, and I am envious of others who are genuinely close to their mums. Who call their mum first thing if something is wrong or they need help or if something good happens. I used to do this but never got the responses I needed, so I have stopped. I used to think I was the problem, but since having children myself I see things differently.
Am I being unreasonable to be finding it hard to get past this toxic stuff when she tried her best/does some good too? Am I playing the victim by feeling this way?