Ex seems to know details from messages he shouldn’t be able to see

[swanlake02]

Trying to work out if I’m missing something obvious here.

My husband and I have been separated for over a year but are still living together while we sort things out with the house and our child. In reality we live quite separate lives. He makes his own plans and regularly books days out and holidays with our child without discussing it with me or checking if I already had plans.

Recently I’ve been chatting to someone from my past. Nothing serious, just messages and a bit of flirting. However my husband seems to know quite specific things about things I’ve said in messages.

He hasn’t said anything to me directly. Instead he told my friend’s husband, and it’s made its way back to me. Some of the details he apparently knew were quite specific, including things from WhatsApp chats that are locked.

My phone is always with me and those chats are locked with a code he doesn’t know. I genuinely can’t think of any point where he’d have had access to it. I have noticed some odd Instagram logins from devices I didn’t recognise which made me wonder if he’d somehow accessed my account, but I’m not sure that would explain the other details which would only have been on WhatsApp. But would explain some of the details as we started talking again on Instagram.

I’ve checked everything I can think of like iCloud devices and WhatsApp linked devices and nothing obvious has shown up.

I did briefly wonder whether my best friend could somehow be involved, but there were specific things he’d apparently said that she definitely didn’t know about.

So now I’m just confused how he’d know details like that. Am I missing something obvious about how someone could see messages like that?

Also, separate question really, but AIBU for chatting to someone when we’ve been separated for over a year, even though we still live in the same house?

Goes without saying you need to change all your passwords, emails and Android or Apple first.

is there any way your exh could be pretending to be the person you think you’re talking to? Or
could it be your friend has set up her husband to talk to you?

No, it’s 100% the right person!

It's possible that your WhatsApp is logged in on a linked device.

Press menu then Linked Devices, you'll be able to see any linked devices and log them out.

Go into WhatsApp, click on your avatar in the bottom right to get to your settings page, then click on “ linked devices”. If there are any linked devices then disconnect them. My ex used an app to link my WhatsApp to his phone And was able to read my messages without me knowing

I bet he’s linked your iCloud to his iPad or something

Could he be using a key logger to see what you’re typing?

Why start multiple threads on the exact same thing, OP?

There are no linked devices on my iCloud or WhatsApp

I’ve posted here and relationships, not sure why that’s a problem?

What is a key logger?!

You need to sign every device out. I automatically sign in to my DPs email and other accounts, with his permission. It's easy for me to get access. I could have gone into his phone and backed up his chats. I think you can get remote access on newer phones. But the gossip needs to stop. Has he bugged your house?

Honestly at this point ask him

Is he tech savvy? He could have some sort of spyware or something on your phone. You're probably best to buy a new device, and change all passwords.

Change every single one of your passwords to something completely random. I mean everything, yiur PayPal, anything linked to your child's school log ins, social media, everything. I would also double check your room for... devices. Sorry I know I sound like a lunatic, but I do not trust an ex who has shown that he is heavily invested in your life but leads his own. You're fine to be dating.
I think some more things need to be separated, obviously sometimes you can't move out, but see what other ways you can place boundaries. I would also say that you need to start talking about your child in a coparenting manner. Joint calendar, consider a coparenting app like App Close, I use OFW. When you eventually do stop living together then coparenting will become trickier so make sure you start those routines now. Have a joint calendar, have a plan for who has your child and when.

Test it out - warn the person you are chatting to that you'll be doing it via phone or in person. Then text some news that your ex would be interested in but not too obviously fake. Tell your friend something different. See which one comes back to you.

Love this, would definitely do this!!!

I would talk to the person you are messaging and set up a fake storyline you can message about, not too far out as to be obviously made up but something that will definitely make your ex comment. It could be something as simple as an exotic holiday destination you wouldn’t normally consider, or it could be getting a dog or a win at the Bingo. Don’t mention it to anyone else and wait for him to react.

my phone is linked to my laptop and I can switch between the two on WhatsApp and I find it easier to type on the laptop than on my phone at times. however when I look on linked devices I can't actually see that there's anything linked but I know that they are because I did it. that would seem the easiest and most obvious answer But other than that depending on how much of a you think he is and what he's capable he could have had some sort of copying device.

He seema very invested in tracking your chats somehow which is weird if you are separated and im guessing to be divorced in the near future. Is he fishing for some details he can use against you when divorcing?

Perhaps he doesnt ask your plans when booking things as he already know them?

Is he generally controlling?

i’d be tempted to have some fun with this. Message a friend from whatsapp and let them know you’ve just found out youve had HIV for the past couple of years but didn’t know it. Watch ex freak out.

😂😂

Yes he can be. I’m just confused, he can fish all he likes I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong. He said he’d seen it via the iCloud so have changed my password, but no other devices have logged in.

Could he be the person you're chatting to? Pretending to be an old friend?

No it’s definitely the right person!