Am I over thinking - DP behaviour

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feel like there should be a topic called AIOTT, ‘am I over thinking this?’ as this is a bit of a weird one but I need to get it out

my relationship hasn’t been great since having kids 3/4 years ago, for a multitude of reasons I won’t bore you with. But recently I’m starting to see my partner of 9 years in a whole new light. Either that or he’s completely changed I can’t work it out… anyway I’m curious to know if anyone else has dealt with this.

he is fiercely ambitious and has had a lot of really great jobs and is now super senior. But every job that he’s had when we’ve been together and even stories of past jobs, have culminated in some kind of conflict. He works in a highly competitive and cut throat industry and he talks about work a LOT so I know a lot about all of his positions. He’s either been fired, come to some kind of severance agreement, fallen out with management or peers, been messed around with his salary or bonus; there’s always SOMETHING going on or someone he doesn’t get on with. I’ve always felt sympathetic but I’m wondering if he attracts chaos.

he also tends to portray himself to me in an overly flattering light, always dropping into conversation complimentary things his team have said about him, or tells me how much his clients love him or that so and so called him to tell him how unfair it is that he’s being treated so unfairly by xyz. Very subtly blows his own trumpet and where I used to feel proud, I find myself wondering if it’s bullshit and he’s somehow trying to pump his own tyres?

has anyone else been in a relationship with someone who just has constant misfortune in life and realised it’s actually just them? There are too many stories of conflict now I just find myself listening but wondering if what he’s saying is legit!! Am I over thinking this?

It does sound like he's the common denominator.

I have a friend who is bipolar and she can be like that. It's all fabulous until suddenly it isn't. In her case I think the compliments were true but she really struggled to work along side other people.

Is he similar on other areas of his life. Do friendships end as well after misunderstandings or blow ups?

Sound very much like a work colleague of mine, toots her own horn a lot, has worked in very senior roles, but seems to constantly find herself in very difficult situations where she has to leave, which according to her are never her fault. At first, I believed her, but having worked with her closely I’ve come to see she is 100% the problem.

I expect your friend "has" bipolar rather than "is" the condition itself. Perhaps your friend is desperately masking her mood to try so hard to stay in work, then it becomes far too exhausting and she crashes? Perhaps she's mortified and ashamed and moves on quickly because of that?

OP, what you describe is a whole flotilla of red flags to me. And the compliments he recounts are by no means subtle.

People like him are a liability to work with, and it sounds like previous employers recognised that.

You are correct 'is' was written in error.

She is very open about her working experiences. It can be a mixture of crashing or blowing up - she has been asked to leave a few times or sacked.

She used to blame it on others but after extensive therapy has much more insight and is able to manage things much better.

It just sounded like a very similar pattern.

Well, a run of bad luck can happen to anyone, but I can't stand people who are always the hero or victim in every story 😂 I don't think I could take him seriously OP.

I do think it's normal to share successes with your partner, but it's also normal to share failures too, or maybe not even failures - worries, mistakes, or things you just possibly could have done better. If he talks about work a lot it seems reasonable to expect there to be some negatives too.

Yes, my ex husband. All these things just befell him, anything that happened wasn't his fault, and literally every other person was to blame for any situation. DS1 started to show the same tendencies so I nipped that in the bud real quick!

Also, ex was constantly talking himself up, it got ridiculous in the end. Eg in his job, he worked in a factory. He'd done a couple of diploma type courses, but called himself an engineer. Not only that, this multi national company he worked at couldn't function without him, he was one of the top 'engineers' in the country, CEO's of asx firms were head hunting him etc.

All that to say, I actually couldn't work out in the end if he really believed his made up tales, but it eroded trust and ultimately led to the relationship ending (among other things).

Thanks for your reply.
he has definitely had fall outs with a couple of life long friends but I do see his side of the story on those situations. He has no problem cutting them off if he’s been disrespected though

Thanks for your reply

its starting to feel a bit like things are really falling apart in the relationship, and with his job… and so he throws these tales of compliments into conversation to boost his own ego a bit. Almost like he’s trying to convince me how great he is! If that makes sense?

Oh goodness that’s hard! Like you say, he must have believed his own lies to tell them?

ive no doubt DP is excellent at his job, I know he is I’ve seen the results, and he’s done very well for himself. However I can’t help but think if he was as good as he seems then why aren’t these employers bending over backwards to keep him?I’m starting to feel like he expects too much from people, salary / bonus / title is never enough for him and so he starts subtly kicking off about it and they don’t like it??! I don’t know, but I’m starting to think that may be the case.

it’s not just work, I feel like everywhere he goes there’s some kind of conflict on a low level… comes home with tales of someone driving badly and having a go at him, or someone randomly starting an argument. He’ll come home from school stop saying someone blanked him, or didn’t say good morning to him etc etc. Very likely just a frantic mum who doesn’t have time for small talk, I’ve been there, I’d never take offence to it! He is very anti UK and finds fault with anything and anyone he can. It’s exhausting

Totally agree, and I think until now I’ve not felt there’s anything out of the ordinary and just ths he’s had a run of bad luck and naturally talks to me about it. But this time the complimentary anecdotes are feeling a bit relentless. It’s not my nature to blow my own trumpet at all despite having a good job and plenty of success in my life… but it’s become some kind of habitual reinforcement with him I’m just trying to understand it.