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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do we need counselling?

14 replies

ThatLilacViper · 07/03/2026 19:36

Hello

Me and DP have in my opinion silly arguments. He thinks it isnt the topics that are silly its how I handle them. I think its how he handles them.

For example, I feel he is always pointing out better ways I could do things. He thinks I am always defensive and dont appreciate him.

Last week, I asked him to offer to make dinner or do bedtime for our baby instead of it always being me. He reminded me that while i do bedtime he cleans the kitchen or does washes or some other household chore. I said I know and that we could swap some evenings. The next day he offered to cook dinner. I agreed. He then popped his head into the livingroom 30mins later to tell me he had just wiped down the kitchen units that were disgusting and had to feed the cats so dinner would be a while. I offered to do this, he reluctantly agreed. That evening he seemed annoyed. He said he is annoyed that when he offered to make dinner I didnt pick up any of the work needed done. He feels I am telling him to do more so I can do less. I said that wasnt the case and he should have told me what was needing done.

That evening I was making the bed, he was walking our dog. When he came back he noticed the bedding was on the wrong way. I had only done have at this point. He said it was wrong and started fixing it. I asked how was it wrong as It looked fine. He said it wasnt fine it was wrong. I then got annoyed and said yes okay, you have pointed out it was incorrect but it looked fine to me. He then got annoyed kept telling me to stop arguing with him. I got annoyed told him he was the one arguing. I then told him he was immauture of getting annoyed in the first place. He then grabbed his pillow and started walking out tell me he was going to sleep in spare room. I was holding our 9 month old. I then laughed and called him immature again. He walked in and hit me in the face with his pillow. Afterwards he told me he was sorry but I wont allow him to leave arguments as I usually follow him or have the last word. I told him he has to control his anger he said he is by leaving but by having the last word I drag him back.

We have agreed on a phrase if things get heated and we end discussions but im starting to think we need professional help. He said we dont and I need to stop arguing but he is equally arguing and gets annoyed easily!

Has anyone else had this?

Its stupid arguments. Like the bedding.. he told me 12 year olds make beds better than me. When I said, oh yeah. How would u know? He said me, I was once 12 and made my bed. Its stupid shit like that.

Thanks.

Dont jump to say break up. Im trying to decide what's best.

Thanks

OP posts:
Muckypig · 07/03/2026 19:40

Bloody hell you both sound like such hard work. It was exhausting just to read.

Happytaytos · 07/03/2026 19:42

How old are you both? You sound like teenagers.

Eenameenadeeka · 07/03/2026 19:55

Yes, it sounds like you need counseling. You both need to learn to communicate better.

Blev2022 · 07/03/2026 20:11

I think it sounds like you're both feeling criticised and getting defensive and approaching conversations in this mindset instead of being on a team. Counselling could be useful as a safe space to talk about how you feel within these moments and think of a solution going forwards.
Before that though, you could agree to talk about what's going on for you both at a time you're not arguing perhaps?

ThatLilacViper · 07/03/2026 21:24

Yes we could. We have agreed to say something along the lines of "this is getting heated. Lets chat about this tomorrow" but does that solve the issue if we both think each other is to blame?

OP posts:
ThatLilacViper · 07/03/2026 21:24

Is hittibg me in face with pillow while holding baby abusive?

OP posts:
Back20 · 07/03/2026 21:56

Yes it is absolutely abuse. To you and the baby.

Back20 · 07/03/2026 22:00

Imagine a moment when you would hit him in the face with a pillow when he’d got the baby.
You wouldn’t, y not??
What about another female relative with their baby?

I think it’s useful to think I’d this something I would do?
of course you wouldn’t

think of the safety of your baby

btw. This is the best it gets
it gets worse from here
untill u put a stop to it

good luck xxx

OhBumBags · 07/03/2026 22:00

ThatLilacViper · 07/03/2026 21:24

Is hittibg me in face with pillow while holding baby abusive?

Yes.

And laughing and goading someone while you're holding a baby is both cowardly and abusive too.

ThatLilacViper · 07/03/2026 22:09

Iwe boyh

We both blame each other, always. So trying to work out if abusive, or both to blame. A

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 07/03/2026 22:20

We had a safe word and used it in situations like youve described, it did work in theory with exdh.

ThatLilacViper · 07/03/2026 22:28

Did it really work? Did it solve the issue?

OP posts:
WhatNextImScared · 07/03/2026 22:44

What happens if instead of saying “oh yeah, how would you know?” you admit your pain and vulnerability and say “I feel hurt when you say things like that”?

Endofyear · 07/03/2026 22:56

You both sound like you need to grow up to be honest. It takes two to argue and both of you are able to walk away instead of carrying it on. No he shouldn't have hit you with the pillow when you're holding your baby (or when you're not!) but you could have let him go without taunting him about being immature.

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