To think she's pulling back on the friendship because her husband's a lecherous toad?

[Pumpkinspicedshitbags]

Who fancies me?

A friend who I saw at least monthly has distinctly reduced contact and it's now exclusively out of the house, where previously it was at mine or hers usually taking it in turns. Ours kids go to school together and get on really well.

I've pinpointed the reduction in contact to a mutual friends wedding in September last year, where he husband got drunk and became incredibly lecherous. It's not the first time but it was the most obvious, to the point my husband and another friend commented on it to me. I do all I can to avoid him, especially if he's having a drink but he tends to want to spend time with us when I go round and has occasionally turned up when she has come to mine, but never if we're on a day out.

I don't know what to do. I've made it very clear I'm not in the least bit interested in him and like I say, avoid him where I can. Should I broach change towards me? Even if I don't mention my theory?

AIBU - leave it, let her drift the friendship
AINBU - ask about it, but don't mention the husband.

No one?

Have her over to yours or go out. Give her the space and permission to broach it on her own terms - sounds like he's an asshole and there'll be more to it if you can be supportive and accommodating to where she is now

Probably abusive as well.
Support your friend at meets outside the home

If you care about the friendship then ask her why she seems to be drifting away. Don’t raise your theory - if it’s something else entirely she might raise her eyebrows at you believing yourself to be irresistible to her husband!

I've made it very clear I'm not in the least bit interested in him

how?

One would think this approach would be fairly obvious in a close friendship

Posters responded but you didn’t bother to interact .

I am left with the impression your friend no doubt thinks you were flirting with her husband and

My mum had this problem and I have it sometimes and it’s sad. Pervy husbands end up ruining friendships at no fault of the woman. But the wife sees you as a threat still even if you couldn’t be less interested. It’s about keeping her sleaze away from temptation and she will always pick him.
My friend drifted away from me when her partner propositioned me. She came back as soon as she’d dumped him. I asked why she did it, she could have seen me separately? But she said she saw me as competition and it affected how she felt about me. All because a man couldn’t keep it in his pants.

There’s likely also an element of withdrawing because she’s unhappy in her relationship, is struggling mentally and emotionally, and probably isn’t feeling much like socialising, with anybody. As the friend who her husband has made advances towards there’s also going to be some embarrassment there; the knowledge that you and other friends will (naturally) be commenting on it when she’s not around; not knowing how to avoid the elephant in the room when she’s with you.

If you imagine the situation in reverse, your husband making advances towards her, you’d probably be struggling generally with all of the above regardless of how much she assured you it wasn’t reciprocal. I’d absolutely find a way to keep the friendship, acknowledge that she’s not living her best life right now, don’t want conversations to become about her husband and her relationship, don’t talk about your theory unless she indicates she wants to talk about it, but want to keep the friendship and offer support if you can.

It seems like a perfectly reasonable response from friend to me. Why would she want to be around someone her husband finds irresistible and why would she want to go to events where he might be interacting with her in front of her.?

Maybe not your fault, but reasonable behaviour from friend.

Not really - if your partner finds someone else irresistible it might be time to get rid of the partner!

You're wrong. Posters only responded after the OP posted "no one?"

Is she maybe embarrassed? Do you think she is reducing contact because she actually doesn’t want to be your friend anymore as her husband was after you or because she is embarrassed about his behaviour and doesn’t really know how to handle it?

Yes but it's understandable not to want it in your face while you process that

Let the relationship drift.
Don't have your children around that.

Actually this is a really good perspective, the embarrassment factor. A pervy husband is a clear indication of a not good relationship and also dents the pride knowing someone can see your husband isn’t into you anymore.

She has to deal with this. Support her and meet as and when she feels comfortable. Don’t push things.

I have lost two close female friends due to this situation-and I’m by no means irresistible. The first time was in my 20’s when my closest friend’s long term partner who was steaming drunk made a pass at me and actually sexually assaulted me by touching my breast. Sadly my friend blamed me for my dress being low-cut and we drifted apart. The second time was in my forties, a similar scenario but no touching, just drunken innuendo. Neither friendship survived and both friends broke up with the leches a few years later. I couldn’t stay with a man who humiliated me like that.

Thanks. I think this is really insightful and probably what is going on.

I don't think I'm irresistible to him, I'm averagely attractive but I suspect he could keep it in his pants for a paper bag. Initially I was polite and friendly to him but I'm currently barely civil, I don't think I look as though I'm flirting with him but I can understand that she may be looking at every interaction in minute detail.

I’d say she’s mortified.. ask her over to your house. If she makes some excuse you could mention that you don’t see her much lately and miss her company so to reach out when she’s available etc