I'm struggling and would love some viewpoints from people not emotionally involved. I'll try to keep it short.
Married to h for 13 years. Son age 12. 5 years ago, I found out, not through admission but by a piece of post, that h had racked up a 60k+ gambling debt. I see myself as a reasonably astute and intelligent person but I didn't have a clue! Absolutely shocking. Weighed up my options but ultimately stayed with the condition that I now manage everything financially including all his banking etc. Things have turned around and we are now financially ok, although his debt repayment plan will take years and years. To be fair to him, he has set up a successful side business on top of his well paid job and I have a professional income so things are ok. He doesn't have opportunity to stray, is tracked on life360 as part of our agreement. Often says how grateful he is for my forgiveness. But I feel so low about myself and like what happened to me is all I deserve. I just always feel worried that something else will go wrong, I have been very stressed with my job recently and have needed to talk but I get a vibe my h thinks im sad and boring although it might be in my imagination. He is trying to improve himself with going to the gym, working out and having braces fitted and reassures me this is all for himself and his wellness etc. But I'm just waiting for him to leave me. It's like the stress of what happened with the gambling hangs over me constantly and Im waiting for something else to go wrong. To me, I feel my husband is the more attractive of us too, although he says that's not true, so I know he could just walk away and find someone new quite easily. And I feel I'd be left with less money/ pension, due to working part time whilst child was young but I almost feel like it is what I deserve. Don't know what the answer is but needed to write it down! Basically, I feel like I don't deserve him, don't make him happy and he will eventually leave me high and dry.