13 yr old DD hanging out with 16 yr old boy

[WhiteCatty]

My DD has struggled with friendships for the last few years.

This week she started hanging out with a small group after school and she started getting home later and later.

I found out that the last two evenings it was only her and a boy, not the two boys and a girl it started off as. I don’t know him or his parents, has social services involvement at home, has moved on from two different schools and was kept back a year.

I’m not happy with my DD hanging out with him on her own and am going to put an earlier curfew going forward but I don’t want to say she can’t hang out with him as I imagine she’d just do it behind my back. WWYD?

Can you fill up her life with other things? Take her to places so she can see the world has more to offer than hanging around the streets. Sports matches, galleries, food markets, music gigs.

What do you mean by evenings? Was it just after school or later? Personally I don’t think 13 year old girls should be ‘hanging around’ without some sort of parental supervision or involvement but appreciate I live in a big city. Either way, a 16 year old around 13 year old girls is weird, there is a huge safeguarding issue and that’s without taking into account the SS involvement. Can she do something supervised after school?

Why don't you put a stop to it?

She should come home after school?

Of course she shouldn't be hanging around with 16 year olds, why do you let this happen?

I didn’t “let this happen”, it escalated during the week, the first night it was “going round Claire’s house”, then it was meeting up with Claire, Alex & Steve, then it came to light that the last two evenings was just Steve.

We live in a small village where I know almost everyone so this situation crept up on me. I now need to have a conversation about boundaries & I’m looking for advice on how others would handle it.

If you live in a small village where you know everyone are their opportunities for her to hang around with people her own age? or are most of the young people older or younger than her. Who do you want her to be friends with? It may be that this is caused by a lack of options.

The others in the original group are all her age, this boy seems to be friends with the other girl so this has come out of the blue.

How to handle it depends a bit on what your DD is like. Is she wilful, rebellious and sneaky? Or docile and compliant but easily led?

If it’s the former, keep her busy, plan family days, have a dinner party with family friends, take her out for cake, shopping or the cinema. With exam time coming up, you could also schedule tutoring after school, or say she can’t go out on school nights but can see friends at weekends. With this type of teen, coming down like a ton of bricks often backfires, as they may just lie or sneak around. Instead, ask her if she understands why socialising (and perhaps more) with an older boy could put her at risk.

If she’s more easily led, focus on helping her stand up for herself and feel comfortable setting boundaries. Invite her friends round, or organise a sleepover for a few close friends at your house. Again, booking tutoring after school could help ensure she comes straight home.

Personally, I’d generally expect my DC to come home first, do their homework, and then meet friends once everything is finished.

In any case, keep the conversation open and try not to alienate her. Talk about the power difference and ask whether she can imagine being friends with, or dating, a 10 year-old boy it can help her understand the gap in maturity.

In any case, acknowledge that this kind of attention might feel super flattering, and explore whether she feels confident in herself or perhaps a bit needy of male attention.

Thanks, that’s really helpful, she’s generally compliant & hard working but I would say easily led.

She is very needy of friendships which I feel is the problem as she’s desperate for anyone to spend time with otherwise it’s just always me & her.

I’ll suggest she invites some girls her own age round although we had a sleepover at half term but I don’t think those girls are as friendly as they were.

She & I are both trying to get her to find her “tribe”.

That's hard. What's her school like? Can she do lunch time clubs and also start up and outside of school activity? Is she arty, sporty musical or would girl guiding be something she'd like to get involved in? Being desperate for company makes her vulnerable. Do keep her close. Could you god for an evening out, e, g dinner movie or explore a cool city nearby?

Have you met him?
Can she invite them all round, and then you can keep an eye on things

Not sure inviting a 16 year old to their home is the best idea in this situation. She needs to be told not to hang out with him and then. Isn't it illegal for a 16 year old to date a 13 year old? At least it's extremely off.

What activities does she do outside of school to meet people?

This "friendship" with this boy sounds like a disaster waiting to happen...

I'll bet he's knocking about with 13yr olds because girls his own age don't want to know.

She's 13, OP. She's a kid and hes a troubled 16 year old boy. She is a lamb to the slaughter.Put a stop to it now!

Not all 16 year old boys are evil predators ffs.

OP, how did it 'come to light' that she'd been hanging round with him? Did she tell you or did you find out?

I wouldn't come down too hard on her - as you say, it could well drive her to just go behind your back. I'd probably explain why I was concerned and that he's quite a bit older, etc.

I don't think teens need to only hang around with those in the same school year, but it's quite different if she's hanging out with Steve in the local youth club or something, compared to street corners. I'd probably try and set some parameters and say - it's only ok when hanging out in a group.

OP your DD sounds just like me at that age, I used to pull things like this. I personally would say to remain calm and reasonable (to her), I would say she can hang out with him but because he's an older boy you are worried (calmly tell her what you are worried about and why) so you would prefer if they came straight to yours after school and hung out at home under adult supervision and that if he's genuine he will be fine with this. In my experience he'll fuck off on his own accord within the month (assuming his intentions aren't genuine friendship ones, I hope for your daughters sake he is genuine but in my experience a 16 year old who wants to hang out with a 13 year old usually isn't). If you react really badly (which from a mums perspective is totally reasonable but she won't understand that) and start controlling who she sees and who she can and can't be friends with she will just see him behind your back and be more secretive about anyone else in future, she'll find a way, which puts her at greater risk. Hope this is helpful.

Thanks all for your responses, I managed to have a calm conversation with her in the car on the way to the supermarket, we have agreed that she needs to be home by 7pm on a school night & that she can’t hang out with this boy in her own but it’s fine if it’s in a group. Not sure how I’m going to police this but she was much more amenable to the new rules than I thought she would be so that’s a start.

Either way, a 16 year old around 13 year old girls is weird,

I agree that parents shouldn't encourage it, but it's not "weird". It's perfectly normal and always has been. Girls are very often attracted by "older" boys, it has been normal for decades.

Again, I don't think parents should ignore it, but let's not be dramatic either. 13 you are not interested in 13 yo boys!
By the time I was 14 or 15, all the boyfriends had their own cars. 18 yo girls are not interested by 18yo boys, they don't really have the choice 😂

Way to normalise statutory rape…

Yes, and it's fine in a group, but not 1-1. Not all teen boys are evil predators, but ultimately there is a risk posed to a 13 girl from a 16 year old boy. It's a safeguarding risk. Also hanging out at school is a bit different to hanging out alone after school. Would you say the same if he was 18? Still technically a teenage boy, and still likely at school.

OP, you're not wrong to want to look out for your daughter.

that escalated quickly 😂

I , or any of my friends, have ever been raped, but thank you for your concern.

Dont let her hang out with a much older group of kids either! They will often egg the younger one on to do dumb stuff for their own amusement!

I would have said it was perfectly normal years ago, but not so much now. There’s definitely been a shift in attitudes. Two years older max seems to be the rule. Any more than that and the older kid is being side eyed by the younger ones as some kind of weird predator.
I would not have liked the idea of any of my 13 year old girls hanging around with a 16 year old boy by themselves.