Ex sharing legal documents and discussing adult issues with DC

[SlipperyGhost]

Painting himself as a victim and me as the villain. Has anyone had any experience with this?

Not a good night tonight, unfortunately my c100 form was delivered on the day my ex had the children and he’s told them everything. Saw the kids today and oldest said “amazing mother, taking me to court” 😢 Oldest then revealed that ex had shared everything with him such as word for word the separation letter I wrote, all about mediation, the cost, our finances and intimate details about our marriage and how it is all my fault. He also knew how I had planned to leave his Dad in secret, how long I had planned for and many other private matters that only ex and I know.

All I could do is reassure them about how much I love them and they don’t need to worry about any of that, just focus on being children and seeing their friends. I did say sorry for all they had been through and said they deserved better. I also told them that I did leave for a good reason and maybe when they are grown up I will tell them why.

Has anyone got any experience about exes sharing court documents and adult issues with the children to paint the other parent in a bad light? I left due to abuse and controlling behaviour. He’s now changed tactics and is focusing on the children. They are heavily aligning with him now especially the oldest. I’ve never badmouthed my ex in front of the DC and try my best to protect them from conflict but ex does his best to create as much conflict as possible.

Thanks.

While you're at it, check out "toe the line" and "ad nauseam versus verbatim" and "too versus to".

It is not supportive to pop up and say that the OP's ex should be reading court documents to their kids because she shouldn't have written negative things about him in the first place. Thank you for deleting.

Im sorry this has happened OP. When my DH's dad died, DH got all the divorce papers from his parents case. He asked me to read them to see if he should. It painted his mum in an awful light, I told him thst much and that he should't read them himself and he hasn't. And that's when he is an adult! It's a new form of abuse your ex is trying to use against you.

I did have one question, but I may have misunderstood. It sounds like in your OP you say he showed the kids a letter you had written where you say it was your fault - have I got that right? I can imagine you were probably not in the right head space when you wrote it, having had your mind worked over by your ex. Its such a shame he has shown the kids, and I'm just wondering if you could have a child friendly talk about that with them - that mum wrote it when she was sad and not herself?

Is it not abusive, to treat children like adults, to share information that is not appropriate for them to know at that age? Worth asking social services or a legal eagle about, maybe?

Completely unacceptable for him to do that to the children. Being stuck firmly in the middle of your parent’s separation is a horrible place to be. My mum did this with my siblings and I and it not only had a devastating effect on our relationship with our dad, I think it really contributed to the toxic/abusive relationships we all ended up in- it’s so manipulative.

Sorry, my post probably wasn’t clear. My ex is telling the DC that it’s all my fault, that I left him and destroyed the family.

what I wrote in the “letter” (it was a digital message) was a request that we separate, that I have been unhappy for a long time and I believe we would be better living apart, I then said how I would be the one to move out and he could keep the family home etc. I told him how it wasn’t an easy decision to make but I believed we would be happier living apart.

Oh that sounds like a perfectly fair message, and also that you tried your best to reduce the impact on your ex (undeservedly so!) I don't want to pry so just ignore this question if too much, but did you take DC with you at first, or did they stay in the house with ex? I only ask as I wonder if the DC have some unresolved feelings around that, that might cloud their judgement?

Also I jut noticed you had pre planned when you would leave your ex. I did this too with mine- took my kids with me to a refuge and didn't tell them in advance. My eldest was 8 at the time and was hurt and betrayed that I kept this big secret from them. I get it. luckily they eventually accepted that I did the right thing- I didn’t want my kids keeping secrets from their dad and I couldn’t risk them blurting it out and putting us all in immediate danger.

If you haven’t already, I highly recommend therapy either as a family unit (so not involving your ex) or separately. You can repair the damage your ex has done to your relationship with your kids but it does take time. I honestly thought I would lose my eldest or at least the relationship/bond we had and we did for a while but we’re close now.

Tell your children that they shouldn’t have been privy to that information, that even though you have split up parents should never try to get children to take sides.

Thank you so much, I’m sorry you went through similar, I hope things are better for you now, I’m hoping to have therapy eventually with the DC. It kinda feels like they are in a vacuum and only hearing toxic messages from their dad. There’s no other adults to question them. I feel like I planned it badly where my oldest was concerned, he know se were separating and I would be living in another house (shared custody) but it was timed for when he was on holiday with his Dad and looking back it was a bad decision as his dad had a whole week of priming DS and getting him on his side and it aligned him heavily with Dad. I feel awful about him coming back to the family home with me not living there anymore even though logically he knew what was happening and had known for months. I feel so awful about the pain I’ve caused him.

Your son is feeling insecure so keep telling him that even though there has been big changes you love him and that’s one thing that will never change.

Try not to beat yourself up about what you could have done differently- everything you did then was no doubt what you thought was in the children’s best interests at the time. It can get better even if it takes time- things won’t necessarily be as they were before though.

Don't protect your ex.

If he acts badly there is nothing wrong with pointing that out to the children in an appropriate way.

By minimising bad behaviour you will be undermining their discomfort at things that they will instinctively feel isn't right. They may question their own boundaries. They shouldn't learn to ignore these feelings.

Of course don't bad mouth him. You will be seen to be as bad as him if you do. If you have honestly grown apart then theres nothing wrong with telling the children that. The letter sounds very measured and by reading it to them he is presenting himself as a victim to get an emotional response from them, awful.

Explain that break ups are hard not only the children but the adults too, that parents shouldn’t be trying to diss the other and make the children feel worse. You know he’s hurting, that you are always there for him when he feels angry and sad about you and his dad splitting up and that both you and his dad love him.
Divorce is not a blame game it’s simply because parents are not happy together and you won’t slag his dad off in order for him to understand, you do not want him to be piggy in the middle as that’s very damaging to children.

Yes I had this, in my case it was me exh getting my grown up stepson involved, using him to message me and it got nasty. My own daughter was caught in the crossfire. My solicitor wrote to both my ex and stepson in the end, separate letters, warning it was inappropriate. In my case tbh it was near harassment. I toi was absolutely the "villain" and my exh his usual emotionally manipulative self. My situation was different to what yours sounds like, but I remember how violated I felt.

I personally think it's quite risky, trying to retain the moral high ground while your ex slates you, hoping one day the children will 'see the truth'. It's possible they will not, and he will cause enough damage to create real issues in their relationship with you. Sorry to say that. As your ex has created this unfortunate situation, I would tell the children the truth, in an age-appropriate way, now. E.g. that he used to hurt you, call you awful names all the time, or whatever it was, so you had to leave.

How old are they? It makes a difference I think if they are 7 or 27.

He's a knob, obviously and you are better off without him. All you can do is try and talk to the children in the best way possible, but don't slag him off or bad mouth him at all if you can. Take the higher road.

Got to say I wish I had done this. Trying to do the "right thing" throughout my divorce absolutely left me in a very weak position with my daughter.

My abusive ex did this with our son. During the first hearing, the court put a recital into the interim CAO to prohibit him from discussing court proceedings with DS. You could ask for this too