To call him out? Male friend - new dad

[Ellbee83]

I've been pals with Ben (32) for about 6 years. Not super close but we message maybe a couple of times a week, care about how the other is doing and are objective 2nd opinions on issues with work, relationships, whatever.

He and his partner (S) married last year and they welcomed their 1st child at the beginning of January 2026.
I kept in touch with him, checking he was ok, that the baby was doing well, etc.
Whenever I spoke with him, I always asked how his wife was doing, sort of discreetly checking he was stepping up and supporting her.

We messaged yesterday and I asked how S was doing. He responded with a 2-minute voice note (don't even!) which, instead of saying S is doing well/or not, motherhood suits her/or not, she's struggling or doing amazingly or whatever - which is what I was asking - he launched straight into how great she was doing in that her body was almost back to normal and she'd almost lost all weight and was looking really good, etc.
Followed by grumbling about feeling like 'a spectator' and further grumbling about how up until now, coming home from work to the baby has been a lovely experience for him, but lately his wife is hormonal and moody and it's getting him down.

Now, I don't have children. But I have nieces, nephews, friends with children, and I'm switched on enough to have a decent understanding of how this time is for a new mum.
I also understand that a new dad needs and deserves support but... Oh my word, I was so mad with him!!
And I let him know, nicely, but in no uncertain terms.

So, was IBU?
His response was a bit snarky. Which may just have been guilt.

Should I have just kept my gob shut and been a sympathetic ear that he probably needs?
I'm his friend rather than S's.

From everything else I know, he's a good, dedicated, hands-on dad.
But it pissed me off no end that he reduced how well his wife is doing post-partum to how good her body looks, as well as a bit of a pity party about how rough he's having it.

You're his friend not hers. Who is he allowed to talk to if not his friends? Firstly I don't think there is anything wrong with him saying she looks great and has got her figure back. That's important to a lot of women. I don't see what's wrong with him acknowledging his wife looks good. And the newborn stage is a struggle and it can sometimes lead to the father feeling left out or like a spectator. But instead of letting him express his feelings you went on a rant.

I don't think you sound like a great friend tbh.

What a weird reply

he’s the one moaning to her

You were absolutely right to call him out OP, well done. You asked how his wife was doing and his response was how good her body looked - that is awful. She is not an appliance or a doll, and the fact he is grumbling about her like this is very worrying. He needs a kick up the arse. If you know his wife at all I’d reach out to her directly and check in with her.

Honestly, I didn't think I was BU, but considering the vehemence of the responses saying otherwise, I'm really rethinking my position.

I didn't expect chapter & verse on how she/they are getting on. The simple question 'How is S doing?' wasn't intrusive (like, wtf? 😂)
Maybe I had no right to react in the way I did. I just stung on her behalf but yeah, thinking about it, probably not my place to do so.

Again, thanks for the replies, it's genuinely eye-opening!

Same. How does his wife feel about being discussed by her husband with another woman

This is why men don't talk about how they're feeling.

I don't think this is entirely fair. We can and should support our friends, but we can surely also challenge something that doesn't sound right?

(To the 'this is why men don't talk about their feelings' post)
(I'm no Luddite but...)

You wouldnt be an actual friend if you hadn't told him.

Now, I don't have children. But I have nieces, nephews, friends with children, and I'm switched on enough to have a decent understanding of how this time is for a new mum.

can you be any more patronising?

you're supposed to be HIS friend, so he's venting about HIS issues, isn't that what friends are for?

And all my friends talk about their OWN body and getting back in shape from day one! And about lack of sleep, and about stitches and using the loo again, and all sorts. But for many women, getting back in shape is really important and they're allowed to want to look good.

And I let him know, nicely, but in no uncertain terms.
hopefully he got the message and he found better friends.

If he told his wife she needs to lose weight and tone up, he's awful.
If he's admiring his wife's body, he's not an hypocrite.

Kate Middleton biggest know achievement in the press and on this very forum is going back "in shape" straight after having her babies.. People are such hypocrites it's unreal.

She didn't tell him how to parent. She told him how to be a better partner.

Also, it sounds like she does have a good handle on what the experience is like for most mums.

Good you told him op. Maybe it will help him understand better what his wife is going through and help their marriage.

Always with a perfectly Pick Me take.

Ignore them. There are a fair number of women here whose life mission is to carry men’s water for them. Yes a good friend listens - but part of being a good friend is to call your friend out on their bullshit. There is no growth in being surrounded by “yes” people.

They sound terribly fragile then. If I say something daft I expect friends to call me out.

Good friends tell each other stuff like this. Well done, you!

Well done. Your friend has some major growing up to do. You asked a very normal and even polite question, and you got an answer that was completely immature at best. This man needs to show his wife much more respect than he did in his response to you. Yes, he's your friend and he should be able to open up, but that's not what he was doing.

Rational adults understand that you were not checking in on her weight loss or her body, for starters. He objectified his wife and the mother of his children and made the response about himself rather than about her, which is what you were asking. The woman went through childbirth and is exhausted with recovery and a newborn. What a pig of a man he is with his response.

I'd question even being friends with this person going forward. The poor wife.

How was she "grilling" this man or being "incredibly intrusive?" She asked "how his wife was doing"! That's it!

I agree his comments about his wife were obnoxious, and I don’t think OP was BU to tell him so. This was the bit of OP’s post that I was responding to:

Whenever I spoke with him, I always asked how his wife was doing, sort of discreetly checking he was stepping up and supporting her.

Plus the stuff about OP not having children herself but knowing enough to have a bit of an understanding of what things are like for a new mum.

I don’t know what OP’s situation is, maybe she has a partner herself, maybe she’s expecting to have kids of her own soon, or maybe she doesn’t want them and doesn’t want a partner either. But speaking as someone with ample experience of being the single friend, to me she does sound a bit overinvested and wistful and like she is putting energy into this woman’s situation that she would be better off putting into her own life. I’m not intending to be critical or unsympathetic to OP, the opposite really. I’m saying the emotional energy she’s spending might be better off put into finding a relationship and the prospect of kids herself if that’s something she wants. And if it’s not something she wants, then travel or her job or hobbies or whatever’s important to her. I think there are probably better uses of her time than monitoring the marriage and wellbeing of a woman who isn’t even her primary friend. This woman has hopefully got family and friends of her own to do that for her (assuming she isn’t well capable of standing up for herself).

Why are you messaging a married man twice a week?

Firstly, not sure I’d be pleased if a casual acquaintance was messaging my dh twice a week. Also, you actually sound annoyed that he was complementing his wife, and having a new baby can be tough for both the mum and dad. I think you were wrong to have a go also. As you say, you’re not super close, so it wasn’t really your place to do so.

Maybe time to step back, for all your sakes.

Well done OP. You've done him a favour and been a true friend. Most people won't call others out but that's such a helpful thing to do for someone.

“I’m his friend rather than S's”

But you’re not obliged to support him when he’s spouting nonsense.

I don't think your in the wrong here.
I had a friend once tell me something he'd said during an argument to his partner, and I made it abundantly clear what an idiot I thought he was, explained why from my perspective and guess what? He actually apologised to his partner and thanked me for pulling him up for it.

I mean we don't know what you actually said, but I don't think it's unfair to point out that whilst it's great his wife is physically recovering from pregnancy/birth well, the hormones (especially if breastfeeding too) don't just disappear in a few weeks and he needs to realise what a huge thing his wife has actually achieved/experienced.

She told him in no uncertain terms what a new mum needs and how’s he’s being shit as a new dad. I’d say she has no idea what being a new mum is like since she has never been a new mum. She is as much use as a male midwife saying they are pretty clued up on what a women needs in childbirth.

Rational adults also understand that OP had no business expecting intimate details of her friend’s wife’s personal feelings on motherhood and her mental health post partum. He answered in a superficial way about how great his wife was doing and looking and then shifted to talk about himself because OP had no right to the information she wanted about his wife. He was protecting his wife’s privacy. I think he was also saying how good looking his wife still is to low key warn off OP from getting flirty and thinking she may be in with a chance to take him away from his wife.

I would be saying “poor wife” about a woman whose husband was telling other women detailed opinions on her mothering ability and mental state, while moaning about how her body had changed and she’s not so sexy. That’s the kind of man that is looking for a bint on the side.

She expected the answer to this seemingly innocuous question to be a deep dive response into her friend’s wife’s mothering ability, how she is coping (mental state) and all sorts of other very personal intrusive information about a woman she is not even friends with. I personally would not be comfortable if my husband had a female friend that expected he divulge such private information about me. And who the hell is she? This childless woman to judge him on how well he is supporting his wife? She isn’t social services and needs to take a step back.