To not contact estranged mum on special birthday

[NotQuiteUsual]

So its a special birthday for my mum who ive been no contact with for years. Basically I suffered a lot of abuse by her hands, although she'd say I didn't. But once the abuse started to surface in her behaviour towards my children I knew I had no choice but to cut contact to protect them, before it escalated.

My sister has asked me to make a video of the children wishing mum a happy birthday as a special present for her, because she misses them so much. Obviously I feel awful about taking her grandchildren away, but their safety came first.

This request from my sister has totally thrown me. On the one hand a little video of the kids saying happy birthday is harmless and would make her so happy. But in the other hand there's good reasons why im not contact. Plus my sister has been pushing me to get back into contact with mum and this feels like she's pushing me again. When she does this it feels like she's not respecting my boundaries around mum. Plus it guilts me so much. Despite what my mum did. I love her and feel awful about going no contact.

There's a long history of mum and my sister not respecting my boundaries. This feels like yet another attempt to bypass them without considering my feelings. But im so emotionally choked by this request I genuinely can't tell right from wrong. Is it OK to ignore this request and stand firm?

Don't do it. It's unfair for your sister to ask this from you. The second you send that video you are undoing any boundaries that have been in place.
I know it's really tough OP, I would tell your sister that you've thought it through and you will not be making the video and won't be discussing it again. It may be the case you need to create some distance between you and your sister from here.

Estranged means estranged. Of course you ignore the request, tell your sister you don’t know to talk about or hear about your mother.

It wouldn’t be harmless to get them to do her a video, what would you say to them? You don’t see your grandmother because I think she’s abusive but we wish her happy a birthday, smile? No, that would be mad.

Why on earth would you want to contact someone from whom you are estranged? She is not part of your life. Just ignore the request and carry on with your own life, as normal.

@Nn9011 funnily enough youre saying exactly what DH said. My kids adore their auntie and my sister was a victim too. So its hard to be cross at her for not understanding boundaries. We were taught our boundaries don't matter from a young age. But my relationship with my sister is difficult. It breaks my heart, but I can't see a way to maintain closeness with her when she doesn't value my boundaries and opinions.

Your sister is a Flying Monkey - ignore her stupid suggestions and go NC with her as well!

It would be madness wouldn't it? Truth be told the kids don't ask about my mum very much. The younger two dont remember her and just kind of accept it. My eldest does remember her so I had to explain the situation a little to her. What message would I be sending the kids if we did the video?

Tell your sister no, you are non-contact for a good reason even if she doesn't agree with that reason. Then tell her if she continues to pressurise you on this you'll have no choice but to include her on that, and you don't want to have to do this.

Stand firm, you are protecting your children from an abusive person. They absolutely do not deserve to have to witness abusive behaviours, any more than you did. Your job as parent is to protect your dc from unnecessary dangers, which is what you are doing.

Don’t do the video. You’re NC with your mother for reasons.

I’d very bluntly tell your sister that she doesn’t have to understand your reasons for going Nc, but if she wants to maintain a relationship with you then she must respect it (in terms of not continually wanting you to break it).

Be prepared fo lose your relationship with her as well though. It’s very common in NC. Refusing to be in contact with my father cost me my brother - despite the fact said brother has a scar in the shape of an iron caused by my father as a punishment when my brother was 9!

Just writing this thread has left me shaking. Its very much a relief to see I'm not wrong for not wanting to do this.

As well as everything else, it would actually not be kind to your mother to do this as it implies you may be in contact in the future or that things may change. She needs to understand that they won’t and accept that, whatever that means for her. So there’s no argument for doing it for her sake IMO.

Don’t do it OP. Stay strong: this is YOUR decision and you’ve made it for the good of yourself and your family. Don’t be guilted into doing what other people want you to do. Your life, your choice. Good luck x

Big hugs OP. Absolutely do not feel you have to have to contact your mum or have the children do a video for her wishing her happy birthday. She's estranged for a reason, tell your sister to not mention your mother to you again and if she continues to push I'd be reconsidering the relationship you have with her too.

I might give her copies of the kid's school photos if i felt like it, but absolutely nothing else, def no video clip.

If you do anything at all (and absolutely don't feel you should), IF you do something, you do it on your terms. Do not do anything your sister requests of you.

Nope, absolutely not. I am NC with my mum and we are NC for a reason, because I don’t want anything to do with her.

Being in touch for a special birthday opens you up to a barrage of dysfunction, but it’s also incredibly unkind to her. It re-opens the possibility of a relationship when she has hopefully started to accept the way things are now. It’s like dangling a golden ring in front of her and snatching it away. Carry on as you intend things to be rather than making it confusing for everyone and re-opening those old wounds, especially on her birthday.

Don’t do it. She doesn’t deserve it. And you would be opening yourself up to so much upset again. You don’t owe her anything in terms of your kids. If she was a good mother then you wouldn’t be no contact. Your sister is really out of order asking this of you, shows no respect for you at all. Also your kids are not puppets to perform when asked, they have valid feelings and should be protected. I also wouldn’t want a video of my kids floating around to people who have caused problems to me.

I am nc with my parents. They have created a scenario where my sister is the golden child. Sadly she sides with them and don’t have a relationship with her either. It is likely your sister is being manipulated and made to feel guilty herself, being used to get you to make contact. Say no, it’s not worth playing with your children’s feelings or your own x

Ive decided to ignore the message from my sister. Shes likely feeling the pressure to make it happen because my mum has very high expectations of birthdays. Tomorrow I'll spend the day hiding away and trying to stay calm. I hate birthdays thanks to mums expectations for them.

Good decision OP. Sorry it’s tough 💐

For your children, do try and create your own happy, joyful birthday traditions. Let them celebrate you on yours, let them see you celebrate yourself, celebrate theirs. Birthdays can and should be an excuse to make a fuss of those we care about who treat us well. It’s never too late to create your own family rituals and traditions. Don’t let your own children lose out on anything because your mother is a piece of work.

Maybe send a card from the children. But you know the situation better than us us your own judgement

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I am in a similar position and recently went NC with my sibling and NC with my mother some years ago. You're boundaries are there for a reason and it would be hugely confusing for the children if they were asked to make a video for someone they do not see. You don't owe your mother anything if she is unwilling to try and repair any rupture that has been caused due the abuse (I am assuming she hasn't made any efforts on this front). Your feelings around this are understandable. It is painful when we are forced to go NC with family as our need to attach to our primary caregivers is primal and any rapture is a huge loss. I wish you well navigating this...

I actually think it would be quite a cruel thing to do if you have no wish to reconcile - it would be giving her false hope.