What can I do?

[Shootingstar1111]

My eldest sons (13) dad is refusing to let him spend his birthday/Christmas money that was gifted to him.
My son was given money from relatives on his dads side which his dad takes from him and puts into an account. He has about £300 in there. The issue is, my ex doesn’t let him have this money. He dictates what he can and can’t buy. My son is going out with his friend this weekend and wants to buy himself some trainers that he’s wanted for ages. I’ve contacted my ex to ask him to let son have some of his own money to go out with and he’s said no, he said he’s teaching him the importance of money and earning it himself. Surely this money is my child’s personal property?? It was gifted to him??
How do I go about this?

Thats really mean of your ex. Its the childs money and he should be allowed to spend it ( within reason) on what he wants.

Im not sure how you would go about accessing the money.

Whose name is the account in, and how is it accessed - card, online?

If it's in your son's own name, you and he might be able to gain access via contacting the bank.

However, I'm not entirely unsympathetic to your ex's point of view in encouraging your son to save the money rather than spend it on short-term fashion items such as trainers.

I agree with you OP, but your ex is entitled to his opinion too (especially as the money came from his side of the family). When you split up you can't force your ex to parent in the same way as you (unless it is a safeguarding or neglect issue). Some parents do this with their children's birthday money and I don't think there's anything you can do about it. Except make sure that if your relatives give him money they don't let his dad get hold of it.

Children at 13 don't need to save. Of course they want to spend it on things they want!

I think it would be a bit different if it was pocket money, but the fact that his nana and aunties have given him this money for Christmas so that he can buy himself something and he’s not allowed to I feel is very mean.
Ive told him that in my opinion that money is his to do what he wants with, if he spends it then sees something he would have wanted instead then it’s a lesson learned.

Right, and then ten years down the line they're complaining that they can't save up the deposit for a house, because they've never been taught to save and understand the benefit of sacrificing something pleasant in the short term for a long term gain.

Does he get to spend the money that your side of the family give? If so then I think that's a fair balance, half his money is saved and half is spending. That's what I encourage my children to do.

I'm not sure there is much you can do. I can see both sides.

Can you help him open a different bank account so in future he can put his money in there?

I think there’s nothing to be gained from you arguing with ex over it - it’s money from his family members not yours. I think it’s between ex and your son and to an extent the family members concerned. It’s none of your business - your ex can parent how he chooses just like you can.

Surely this money is my child’s personal property?? It was gifted to him??

I think your ex has an obligation to keep the money safe and not use it himself but he doesn’t have to allow your son to spend it. Parents gatekeeping money from children is hardly unusual.

My family don’t give money, they ask what he would like and get him gifts

Can you get in touch with the people who gave him the money, or your son speak to them and let them know that he isn't being given his money? Giving it to his Dad needs to stop. To solve the immediate problem can you give him the money as a Easter present? He's getting to an age were he will want to spend on clothes.

He already has a savings account that we both deposit money into for his future. He knows he cannot have any money from that. The money in question was given in lieu of gifts at Christmas and his birthday.
When he starts working next year (refereeing) he and I have had a conversation where half of his wage will go into the savings account

Your son should mention to the people who gave him his birthday money that he wants to buy himself the trainers but Dad wont give him the money. The gift money was for spending on something he wanted presumably, and he wants trainers!
It is very unfair to keep control of him like this. Yes, by all means teach him about savings but this is the kids birthday money!
If he blows it .. then that too is a life lesson!

I could understand your point if he wanted to spend the money on sweets or something like that, but he's buying trainers. Something he HAS saved for, will appreciate and will , hopefully, last a while.

My nephew recently bought his own bike out of money he'd saved over the last few years...he's six and whilst his sister spent the money she got on things that were equally important to her ... clothes and shoes (she's 8 going on 18). He decided to wait.

Personally I used to spend every penny I earnt, I've had a job of some form or other since I was 7, until I wanted to go on a big holiday. I got a second job and saved for 18 months. I spent the equivalent of £7k in today's money on 2 weeks in America. I was 19. I've saved ever since.

I think your ex is being very unfair, the money was given to your son so he could choose his own gift, well now he has choosen his own gift and Dad is saying no. Its not like he's looking to piss it away on frivolous stuff, it's trainers fgs! You son sounds like a sensible lad.

He's 13 - ex is being mean! 13 year olds don't have to save massively for the future. Are you sure Ex isn't dipping into the funds himself?

Yeah thats shitty, his relatives gave him the money instead of a present so he could choose somethung himself presumably. I doubt they gave it to him so his dad could take it and put it in the bank and give him no access to it. Unfortunately though I dont think you can do much about it

The money was a gift for a specific occasion; if they'd just bought him a pair of trainers instead would dad have taken those? No, because that would be ridiculous. Just because it's money it doesn't make any difference imo.

If it was just a fiver or whatever pocket money here and there I could understand the intent but to not allow a child to use a birthday/Christmas gift is mean.

I agree with you, OP. If he was given the money in lieu of a Christmas gift then he absolutely should be allowed to buy what he wants with it. His dad is being an arse.

That said, I’m not sure there’s much you can do to force it, unless you can speak to the people who gave the money to explain but that then runs the risk of causing issues with your ex. And potentially them too.

Is it possible for you to give him the money and reduce the amount you put in savings for him until the amount is covered?