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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex driving DD without car seat

12 replies

Catmama123 · 04/03/2026 19:32

I know I’m not being unreasonable but I need help with how to approach this without causing a huge blow up.

DD is 5 - 19kg for context.

My ex has a new partner, she has 2 children (5 & 1) I know they spend time together on the weekends he has DD but today she has told me that when they go in new partners car she sits in the middle without a car seat.
ex drives a van with only 3 seats so there’s no way they could all go in that but I assumed they would be driving separately to things.

DD does not make things up like this, and she was very specific about the 1y old having to be in a car seat and there not being room for a seat in the middle. She also said “it’s ok though because I’m squeezed in and I had a seat belt” I of course didn’t make a fuss at all and am waiting to approach Ex but have no idea what to say. I know it’s illegal, but unless I witness it and ring the police it won’t stop him I guess as he already knows the legality of it.

he’s the type to cause a fuss and make out I’m the problem, I want to know where I stand on this with allowing her to go with him if he’s taking her in a car without a car seat 😩

OP posts:
Badbadbunny · 04/03/2026 19:35

Not only is he breaking the law, he's also seriously risking your daughter's life/health. It HAS to stop. Don't worry about anything else, this is too important to worry about how you telling him will affect your relationship (for what it is). You need to make it crystal clear that he MUST stop driving her without a car seat. No If's no But's. It IS a deal breaker. If he won't commit to agreeing with that, then you must stop him having her until he sees sense.

olderthanyouthink · 04/03/2026 19:38

Unfortunately there’s a loophole in the law that it’s not illegal to drive with a kid over 3 without a car seat if there isn’t space in the car for one.

https://www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules/when-a-child-can-travel-without-a-car-seat

i don’t agree but that’s the law. Idk what you can actually do about it but I hope someone can help

Child car seats: the law

The rules for child car seats and booster seats - height, weight, age, type of vehicle, car, minibus, licensed taxi

https://www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules/when-a-child-can-travel-without-a-car-seat

JustAnotherWhinger · 04/03/2026 19:39

Depending where you are he may not actually be breaking the law.

Having two car seats in place and not being able to fit a third is an allowable exemption. If they are under 3 then they need to be put in the front in a car seat, but over 3 they can sit in the back with a seat belt.

I wouldn’t be happy with it either.

Catmama123 · 04/03/2026 19:41

Oh my god. The fact that is a legal loophole has blown my mind. I am absolutely not happy with her being in a car without a car seat, just because they don’t want to take 2 vehicles.

OP posts:
NorthSouthEast · 04/03/2026 19:45

Wow. He’s putting the welfare of his child age 5 below the other child age 5. Note his new gf isn’t putting her kid in the space in between is she?

you have to raise it with him - tell him what your DD has told you and ask him why he’s treating her differently and with less care than someone else children?

goz · 04/03/2026 19:49

NorthSouthEast · 04/03/2026 19:45

Wow. He’s putting the welfare of his child age 5 below the other child age 5. Note his new gf isn’t putting her kid in the space in between is she?

you have to raise it with him - tell him what your DD has told you and ask him why he’s treating her differently and with less care than someone else children?

To be fair it’s not her ex’s girlfriend’s responsibility. She’s driving her car, her child is in her own car seat so why would she do any different?
The dad needs to step up and prioritise his own child’s safety, but his girlfriend taking her child out of their own carseat is not the solution.

JustAnotherWhinger · 04/03/2026 20:40

I would ask him what seats he’s tried to fit - very often there is a combination that works. It just may work out very pricey for him if they need to buy three new seats, but I wouldn’t find it acceptable for her to be without a seat on a regular basis.

Although if he refuses then you’re probably stuck with little you can do as it’s legal (and imo shouldn’t be legal as a long term solution, but it is).

stichguru · 04/03/2026 20:45

Catmama123 · 04/03/2026 19:41

Oh my god. The fact that is a legal loophole has blown my mind. I am absolutely not happy with her being in a car without a car seat, just because they don’t want to take 2 vehicles.

Yes it's insane! Be really careful though because they aren't doing anything illegal so a law court is unlikely to do anything to stop him or to support lowering his contact with his daughter over this.

AreYouBrandNew · 04/03/2026 21:00

Op as a bare minimum could you buy a Bubblebum booster to take with her. It’s quite small so should squash between seats

BertieBotts · 07/03/2026 00:42

Unfortunately as it's legal, it's really his call.

The bubble bum booster is a good idea. It's very narrow and it would raise her up better so the seatbelt will fit better. It would be better than nothing. However the seatbelt does need to be routed properly through the belt guides, even though this is likely to be fiddly between two other car seats. Do you think DD could be shown how to do this, if your ex would take affront to being shown?

Safety wise, in the middle seat between two other seats it is not actually the end of the world (which is why it is legal), she'll have some protection from side impacts from the other seats, and although she would be much better protected in a booster seat, it's not in the same league as a child being totally unrestrained. There are two main issues with seatbelts for a child her age as I'm sure you are aware, but just to explain for the purposes of harm reduction, the first one is that the lap belt will be too high on her tummy and in an accident this could be fine but it could also cause internal bleeding, so she needs a thorough medical check over after any accident even if there is no visible injury (If I understand correctly, this is likely to happen anyway in a crash serious enough for ambulance to attend, even if all DC properly restrained). The bubble bum, or any legal booster seat where the belt guides can be used correctly, would vastly reduce the chances of this. Don't be tempted to suggest (or accept) sitting her on a loose pillow, and there are some "slim booster seats" on amazon which I'm almost certain don't actually meet the correct standard, as the belt guides are just made out of flimsy velcro straps, so watch out for those too.

The second issue is that because she will be too short for an adult seatbelt, the diagonal belt is highly likely to rub against her neck which is uncomfortable. For this reason, younger children often want to tuck it under their arm or behind them, and sometimes adults advise them to do this, believing that it is a safe way to wear the seatbelt. It is not safe to do this, the lap part of a lap-and-shoulder belt will only restrain properly if the top half is tensioned correctly by the upper body, and if it's placed under the arm then the child will move much further forward and risks head injuries as well as injuries to their ribs. So do tell her that she must keep the seatbelt on her shoulder, even if it rubs her neck. It's OK for her to put e.g. her hood between the seatbelt and her neck, or to use a fabric seatbelt cover on the top part of the seatbelt only, to make it more comfortable. However, they should not use one of the fabric triangles or clip style "belt adjusters" which wrap around both parts of the belt. The issue with these is that they pull the lap part of the belt too high up which exacerbates the issue with the seatbelt being too high and can worsen both the likelihood and severity of injuries caused by this seatbelt position, because effectively the child has the force of both parts of the seatbelt on their tummy. Unfortunately, you can buy these in Halfords etc perfectly legally which gives the impression they are safe. They make seatbelts less safe, so IMO ought to be illegal, because if you're using this product then it means that the child needs a booster seat and/or needs their booster seat adjusting correctly. There is no reason ever to use this product. It doesn't do the same job as a booster seat, and since booster seats are legally required for children aged 3-12 it doesn't make sense for it to be sold. It is safer for a child to wear a seatbelt even though the seatbelt is too big for them.

You can get 3 car seats across in a row in most standard family cars and even some small cars if you play around long enough with the right combination of seats, but I appreciate that is probably overstepping and you can't make that decision for them. Often cheaper high back boosters are the slimmer models, and these are absolutely fine, much better than nothing at all.

If they ever find themselves in the car with only one of the GF's DC, they do need a booster seat spare for DD to use as she will not be able to use the loophole in that case. It only applies if both of the other car seats are occupied.

PollyBell · 07/03/2026 01:44

So it is not illegal so what do you expect to happen?

wombat1a · 07/03/2026 02:00

To be fair the law seems quite sensible, if there is no space for a 3rd child seat then there is an exemption for children > 3 yrs to sit in the back with a seat belt. If I was you OP I would ask if they can use a booster cushion, with DD between the two child seats in the middle of the car she's probably in the safest place to sit, most journeys are likely to be short so I would pick your battles and not make a huge deal of this one.

No ideal but its legally acceptable so make the best of it.

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