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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL hogs my son

19 replies

Nessamommy · 17/06/2008 05:00

My mother in law is soooo in love with our son...good thing! I'm happy he has 4 loving grandparents. It just seems like whenever we have a large family gathering, she hogs my son. She will take him right out of my hands when we arrive and pass him around to whoever she feels. Then she takes him back and holds him the whole time. There are times I have to go look for him because she has taken him off somewhere by herself. (He's 8 months old by the way). When it comes time to feed him his lunch/supper, she takes the food/spoon right out of my hands without even saying a word. Am I being walked all over, because I feel like I am. My husband just says she's just excited to see her grandson. What is normal? My parents certainly don't do this. Is it something I have to deal with or what? I could go on because she drives me nuts, but I should probably stop...oh my! The phone is ringing right now and it's her..again! We just saw her yesterday! I am NOT answering the phone...that's a whole other issue. Advice please!

OP posts:

NoNickname · 17/06/2008 06:44

If you are uncomfortable with it, you need to start doing something about it now, because otherwise your tacit approval of it - by allowing it - will signal to her that it's OK and that she can carry on doing it. It will probably build up in your mind and become all encompassing, to the point that you bristle when she says anything, goes near him, or indeed, when the phone rings.

I speak ffrom experience . Try standding your ground a bit more. Try taking ds back from her without a word sometimes (not immediately - give her a few minutes with him first). If you just approach with arms outstretched, her instinct will be to hand him over. After all, that's what has been happening when she has been taking him from you. Or sometimes just have a reason why she can't take him off you - make it just that bit harder for her to do it.

FairyMum · 17/06/2008 06:53

Let he have him. As long as she is not hogging him so noone else gets a turn (you say she is passing him around), then let her enjoy him.

The phoning you all the time might be a different and more annoying issue.

Not looking forward to becoming a mil myself

Original poster

Nessamommy · 17/06/2008 07:00

I feel like I have been obsessed with quite a bit in regards to my MIL. I read somewhere that a MIL is only there as much as you choose her to be...ya right! The problem is, NoNickname, is that I find it hard to be aggressive like that. I feel like I'm being a b. I need to get a backbone somehow! I feel like when we have get togethers, I shouldn't try to hold my son or hover b/c I see him all the time. I feel so silly for thinking that!

OP posts:

Original poster

Nessamommy · 17/06/2008 07:03

It's not really passing him around too much fairymum...I should be more descriptive I guess. She will put him on someone's lap..then take him again after 4 or 5 minutes. Kind of passing him around like he's a doll! I look forward to being a MIL someday...one that does not hover and smother..I look forward to giving my son the space (regardless of his age) to grow and be independent.

OP posts:

Wilkiepedia · 17/06/2008 07:04

I think maybe you are overreacting a little BUT I can imagine how you feel. I am very lucky with my PIL.

Things to do:

if you can't bear it (can't you view it as a nice break - if not...) then I would say in a jokey way, 'Oh come here darling, is grandma trying to hog you from me' in a light-hearted tone of voice with a smile and laugh, might make the point
When it comes to food time, why don't you suggest she feeds him long before she can take the spoon off you. It then gives the power back to you as you are the one suggesting it and it is a bit of a treat for her - you always get to feed him and it will do no harm to let her do it
If she starts passing him round and you don't want her to. Just go over and say 'Sorry to break up the party, I need to change little man, we'll do the rounds when he's clean' again maintaining a light-hearted voice and taking him from her.

It is so hard but she is your MIL and will be around for a while so you just have to accept her and try to work with her annoying habits. However, you do have my sympathies. My PIL are great but in small doses.

AbbeyA · 17/06/2008 07:06

I shouldn't worry-unless you are having very regular family gatherings. She won't be able to do it for much longer because as soon as he can toddle he won't want to stay still!

FairyMum · 17/06/2008 07:12

Nessamommy, my mil does this as well and I remember finding it annoying when I first had DD. However, I have tried to see if from her point of view a bit and I see how she means well and how much she enjoys it. I think many mils get a hard time. I know I am guilty of giving mine a hard time at least in my thoughts quite often. I think if you are the maternal grandma, you have a much much easier ride and often much more access to your grand children.

stuffitllama · 17/06/2008 07:14

You are not over-reacting. You should stand your ground a bit more or it will get worse when he is older. No nickname is right on the nose.

stuffitllama · 17/06/2008 07:15

It's very nice to see it from her point of view but is she seeing it from yours?

AbbeyA · 17/06/2008 07:27

It won't get worse when he is older! No DC is going to allow himself to be carried around by MIL once they can walk. DCs do not like to be smothered! It is only a short time, if it doesn't happen more than once a fortnight it is nice to be kind to her.

FairyMum · 17/06/2008 07:31

"It's very nice to see it from her point of view but is she seeing it from yours? "

But does it really matter? I fail to see the big deal.

liath · 17/06/2008 07:34

It is hugely annoying, isn't it?

However, when I had my second baby it was actually a real bonus when MIL came that she hogged him so I got to spend some time with dd who was 2 at the time. Also as someone pointed out, they don't tolerate being hogged much once they are mobile.

Could you make a joke about it, perhaps? I might get the point across without seeming too aggressive.

mamablue · 17/06/2008 07:35

My mil was exactly the same. It was incredibly annoying, she acted as if DD was her baby if we were out or at a family gathering. However it did not last, the novelty of trailing around after a toddler lost its appeal when my sil had a lovely newborn for her to hog!

Walnutshell · 17/06/2008 07:41

FairyMum, you fail to see the big deal because in your situation you have decided it's not an isue However, the OP has identified it as an issue, and not particularly unkindly either.

Nessa - do try and tackle this now in a gentle way or it may become part of a greater issue. Remember, you are all adults and equal. Talk to your dh againand don't be apologetic about how you feel, just honest.

Walnutshell · 17/06/2008 07:43

(overuse of the word issue there, oops)

FairyMum · 17/06/2008 07:46

Well, its sometimes easier to not make everything an "issue". However, just re-read the OP and can see from the "take spoon from my hand" -comment that we are dealing with a little more than just an enthusiastic mil.

Walnutshell · 17/06/2008 07:57

(It is for the individual to decide what is and isn't an 'issue' in their own lives even if part of dealing with that is to let it go.)

My own mother in law's behaviour went off the scale when ds (first grandchild) was born. For a moment there, I thought she'd given birth to him... However, I bided my time and she mellowed and is a very loving grandmother.

I can remember dh taking ds from her to give to me as ds was crying for a (breast)feed, her comment to ds was "aww, son, that's the only thing I can't do for you!" Luckily, as I say, she mellowed fairly quickly, otherwise dh and I would have spoken to her about it to nip it in the bud. You don't have to be cruel, but a little more assertive. Good luck.

stuffitllama · 17/06/2008 08:01

Yes walnutshell, that's just what I meant. It's certainly an issue. But it doesn't have to cause a ruction if nessa is assertive -- sensitive yes, but assertive. I think she's being incredibly nice about it, and won't have a problem being sensitive at all.

Original poster

Nessamommy · 17/06/2008 15:10

I think this is an issue right now...it stems down to control issues too. She still wants to be in control of her son...I call my husband her number 1. He is the first born male out of 2 boys. She has always told him what to do and now with having our own child, my "mommy" instincts are coming out. In part, it may be that I'm trying to control things too much too...but it is my family afterall. My husband is on board with me and says he supports me but sometimes he just doesn't understand what I'm talking about....my mother is very good..she gives us lots of space and is very respectful to us as a family. I like some of the posts that put things into perspective...he will be running around in no time and won't want to be held etc..(my son has boundless amounts of energy right now so I can't see it being any less in the future). I guess I need to learn how to be more assertive...although this is hard for me with people like family.

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