Friend stops talking to me every 2-3 months

[UmberQuail]

I have a close friend who I normally speak to regularly (calls, messages etc). When things are good between us she’s a good friend and often the one initiating contact (I do too).

However, every couple of months she just stops talking to me. No argument, no obvious trigger. Completely blanks calls and texts, and has even not turned up to plans we’ve made with no heads up.

The last time we were on the phone chatting normally, she said “I’ll call you back” and then never did. We also had something planned that week and again, she didn’t turn up and didn’t warn me.

This pattern has happened several times over the past few years. Each time we start speaking again she promises she won’t do it again but then a few months later the same thing happens. This time I decided not to chase. It’s been a while now and I haven’t heard anything.

AIBU to think this isn’t how a friend should behave and to step back from the friendship?

Time for you to blank her instead.

It sounds to me like she’s overwhelmed/has periods of depression and pulls back.

Not showing up to booked plans without an explanation IS unfair. Ignoring you for a couple of weeks not so much but I can understand it’s frustrating.

If you are close I’d reach out during a time where she’s happy to message and call and just explain you hope she’s ok. If she can’t speak for whatever reason that’s also totally fine, you’re both busy adults.

But if she needs to cancel on plans, she needs to tell you.

I would just block her now and move on. I could not be bothered with this sort of hot/cold behaviour.

What @Sweetcorn100 said. I have a friend who does this to me, and its unnerving as I miss her but once she comes back she tries to explain what's been going on for her. She definately manages me better now when she's overwhelmed/depressed and I respect her need to dial down contact. I try not to take it personally (although that is still WIP for me!).

Surely the issue isn't that she goes silent for a while, it's that she doesn't give notice she won't be attending a pre-planned event with you? I certainly periodically withdraw, and I expect friends to deal with it, or, if they can't to end the friendship, but I would obviously let anyone involved know I wouldn't be able to make an even we'd planned together.

Agree, I'm another who suspects this is depression/anxiety/overwhelm, and that she doesn't mean to let you down but is just incapable of doing more or communicating better at those times.

Obviously it's still upsetting for you, but maybe less so if you can look at it with compassion and realise it's not about you, but about her struggles. You may still choose not to tolerate it, but it has no reflection on you, or how she views your friendship.

Yep.
depression and MH struggles would be my read

She’s not your friend. I don’t care what her excuse is. Block her.

I don't think that this sounds like a friendship, more a strange repeating pattern that you don't particularly enjoy.

I would leave her to it, if she pops back up be very frank and ask her if there are any circumstances you need to know about which lead her to behave the way she does? If not, then you decide if you want to be picked up and dropped going forward, it really is your choice. It wouldn't be something I'd be willing to devote time and energy to.

I would definitely pull back.
My sister does this regularly and it's really frustrating.
I suspect MH issues as well.

Thing is she doesn't do it to everyone. Seems to target me and our mam.
But can carry on like normal with other people.
She has missed big events for me and my children and it's really upsetting.

Sorry to derail . Best of luck.
Look after your own mental health and pull back.

She may be having mental health struggles but it would be polite if she explained that after one of the silent periods so that you don't need to wonder if she is reacting to something you said. If she contacts you again you could ask her about the reason behind the silence if you want to continue the friendship.

The sad fact is that those of us with intermittent health problems, mental or physical, tend to lose friendships because they can be hard to maintain, from both sides. Communication is key but it's up to both of you to communicate, not just you.

Exactly.
it’s the sorted things men ‘try’ to do.
ive never had it with a friendship.
But I would stand it from either.
She doesn’t really value your friendship.
Good old @UmberQuail, I can drop her and pick her up anytime.
it really is disrespectful
You do not need her breadcrumbs.