To think some parents overpraise their children to compensate for their own insecurities?

[ProjectionParenting]

Not every child is gifted but some families act like they are to soothe their own egos.

I think most parents think their dc are amazing/gorgeous/talented etc it’s surely the point of reproducing! The difficulty arises when that belief crosses over to assuming everyone thinks similar of your dc!

Most parents think their kids are absolutely amazing don't they?

It's not an ego thing, it's a hyping your child up and genuinely thinking they are amazing thing.

or are trying to be encouraging and instil confidence? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Over praising is not the way to instill confidence. When the child who is over praised in primary reaches secondary (or possibly grammar school) they will find that there are brighter and more talented kids. They then settle at the middle of the class - a good average - and this can come as a real ego shock. Rather than convincing your little prince or princess that they are a miniature genius it would be far better to model the virtues of resilliance and hard work.

As a child I was top of my class in several subjects but around the middle of the group in others. My parents never praised me or encouraged me to think of myself other than average. It was not until I went into the workplace that I discovered I had a talent for passing my professional exams.

"My parents never praised me or encouraged me" that's a wee bit sad, from my pov, @Friendlygingercat

"It was not until I went into the workplace that I discovered I had a talent for passing my professional exams"

Just look how proud you are now and rightly so, you are actually special, after all, despite your parents' lack of encouragement?

i think my child is the amazing and beautiful, the best ever. I also expect others to think that about theirs.
As a dyslexic child I would have liked some encouragement.

I think you may be misunderstanding praise, OP. Virtually none of the parents who are praising their children think they're raising a mini-Mozart or Cezanne or whatever, they're just being encouraging and interested.

I was a child who was never praised at home (my parents both left school at 13 and tried to get me to leave as soon as I legally could, saying university was only for rich people, and 'not for the likes of us' and suspicious of good marks as likely to attract resentment from my peers and make me not 'stay in my lane.'

I was an adult before I discovered that I was actually clever, and had been clever all along. I'm raising my own child differently.

My children know I think they are the most amazing, beautiful people to ever have walked this earth. Of course they know this doesn’t mean everyone else think this. They know I am their mum and slightly biased.

No, I don't think so. If there is any link between an insecure parent and a tendancy to over praise, its more likely to be due to not wanting history to repeat itself. Insecurity is often rooted in how we ourselves are treated as children. So an adult who was raised in a way that didn't lead to self worth and self confidence may well try to do things differently with their own children.

Not necessarily. Maybe they understood their own parents put them down and didn’t want to make the same mistakes. It can be a fine line though.

I think I’m guilty of over-praising sometimes but it’s got nothing to do with my own insecurities. I just love her so much and think everything she does is amazing! Which I think is fairly natural. Also, she’s somehow ended up (despite all the praise) as not a very confident child. She doesn’t really believe in her own abilities and often hesitates giving an answer to something cos she assumes it’ll be wrong. So it’s even more important imo, to praise her to help build up her self-confidence and belief in herself. There’s got to be at least someone in the world who thinks you’re the dogs bollocks and can do no wrong and that person really should be your parent

I think people over praise because they think praise instils confidence. They think you have to encourage every little thing otherwise children will give up. In fact, the best way of instilling confidence in a child is for them to actually get good at something (rather than be praised for being good at something). It's important to get the balance right between being positive and encouraging, whilst not making children overly reliant on outside approval.

I was raised with a lot of praise for academic achievements but received no attention (positive or negative) for anything else. For years I thought that being clever was the only good thing about me and had a minor existential crisis when I went to Cambridge and everyone was clever. As I was praised for my achievements rather than any work ethic, I really struggled to develop any kind of consistent work ethic.

With my own kids I went too far the other way and adopted the point of view that praise was manipulative. I was loving but avoided all praise. I abandoned that when my eldest son had behaviour issues and now have a policy of giving judicious praise and positive attention (which helps a lot with behaviour). I only give praise that is authentic. For example, if I'm shown a terrible picture I will say something positive about the use of colour rather than saying 'what a great picture'! I do a lot of positive noticing because I read about the 6:1 ratio (try to give 6 pieces of positive attention for every piece of negative attention/criticism) - 'you washed up your plate without me even asking', 'thank you for picking up your clothes' etc. When I get the ratio right I notice a big improvement in how I get on with my kids generally.

Do you mean parents who over praise / overstate their children’s achievements to other people? If it’s praising the child, surely that’s normal to build up confidence when they’re learning something new? My kids are amazing btw!!!!

As a person who was raised with criticism and condemnation and had dreadful self esteem issues I celebrate my kids every single day and praise them all the time. I don't lie or go overboard and they know they have faults but it is all praise and bringing them up in this house.

I remember seeing this and agreeing with it 100%

I actually find the more insecure parents tend to put their dc down - almost as if embarrassed of them. I find this very hard to listen to.

Also, children are unique and amazing because people are. Of course when you take a particular interest in one, you are going to start to pick up on their strengths. It's how we fall in love.

In fact, the best way of instilling confidence in a child is for them to actually get good at something (rather than be praised for being good at something).

I agree there is truth in this, but I think, having been around some very pushy parents in high-achieving schools, you do need to be wary of tying their self-esteem to their achievements. If that happens, it becomes a case of needing to be the best or feeling worthless, which is not a happy way to live.

Actually, while I don't think praise hurts, I also think the most important thing is that children feel loved unconditionally for who they are, not because of what they can or have done or could do.

I remember reading something about the voice in your children's head being yours. Making sure it is a positive, encouraging and supportive voice instead of critical and admonishing.

When you're up against it - stressed, in pain, panicking etc, you have a way of speaking to yourself. That voice is likely to reflect how you were spoken to when younger.

I want my children's inner voice to be saying, 'come on, you can do this, you're brave and strong and work hard through difficult things.'

I am and will always be the most voracious cheerleader for my kids. I tell them all the time how proud I am of them and how great I think they are. I praise their effort, I praise their choices, I praise their behaviour - not just their achievements.

There are much worse things for children to grow up knowing their parents think they absolutely wonderful!

Praise can also be for effort or steps towards a goal e.g. acknowledging something they want to achieve is difficult for them. You can praise their ability and provide reassurance to their confidence that they can do it as they can learn/achieve things which are difficult for them.

Yes absolutely agree, but I don’t think confidence is linked to achievements, but to getting to be good at something. That could be being good at the monkey bars at the playground or doing a thorough job of the washing up, it doesn’t have to be related to concrete achievements. You can help children to notice the things they have worked hard on and improved at, instead of just praising them.

Yes, I agree.

I still shudder at the memory of a dad coming to school Parent's Day and loudly asking his DS why he wasn't top on the reading ladder. He acted as though he was showing the rest of us parents how it's done! The poor boy looked crushed; the Dad looked very pleased with himself!

It's very subjective imo because what may seem as overpraising to one parent would be a completely normal way to acknowledge and praise for an achievement for another. Noticing and praising your kid's achievements is a normal thing to do overall but throwing a whole Smartshow 3d video about their every little step would be a bit too much, though everyone draws that line differently. I agree that some people may live through their children in a way and this overpraising may come from their own point(s) of insecurity, i.e. they were never praised or were just barely noticed so now they try to avoid making the same mistake with their kids. As one of my friends says about her DD, "if I'm not telling her she's beautiful, who will?", and she says so because she herself admitted being in abusive relationships simply because those partners showed some kindness and admiration towards her and she never got it from her parents.

Well every child is bright on here although it seems looks come first

''my beautiful, bright.....''

But I would say if speaking of praising to the childrens themselves I sometimes it would be encouragement sometimes love and ,aybe sometimes insecurity but only the parent themselves would know intnetional or not

But I do there all of the school parent dramas/playgroup/kids parties issues parents have atleast seems to come down to parent insecurities

Surely if you over praise you devalue it? If you gush over everything it just becomes meaningless wall paper noise..