Failing as a parent and they're only 7, 4 and 6 months

[Snowdrops99]

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong but I'm failing my kids and I don't know how to change it. My eldest (year 2) has absolutely no motivation or drive to do anything and can't focus on things he's not interested in, for example writing or getting on with school work. He can concentrate on things like Lego for hours so I don't think it's ADHD, I just think he can't be bothered/ doesn't see the point of getting through work at school to get onto the next worksheets etc. He's in a football team and most of the time he stands around during matches rather than trying to get the ball or tackle anyone. At swimming lessons he spends half the lesson under water not listening. He's bright, for example can remember loads of interesting facts from books and yoto cards but it doesn't translate into school work or sports. He's not a genius but is capable of so much more, but because of his daydreaming and inability to get on he's falling behind at school.

My 4 year old is different entirely. He started school in September and prior to this was into everything, motivated and wanting to please his teachers. He's caught his older brother up and is in the same swimming lesson as him. But since starting school and new baby arriving he's lost that confidence. He could write his name before he was 3 and count objects to 10 before he started school but the teacher recently said she thinks he's slow at answering questions and can't count easily. He's been having wee accidents at school and saying he doesn't like it. At home his behaviour has been awful, tantrums and wanting his own way and he seems exhausted. I've been shouting at him sometimes and feel absolutely awful for it as he looks so upset, but I've reached my limit some days and just need him to listen. I prioritise spending time with him but obviously I do have to feed the baby / look after her so he can't have my full attention every minute.

I think I've obviously done something wrong with both boys. Maybe I didn't play with them enough as toddlers or maybe I expected too much of them. I try to get them to do small jobs around the house (empty dishwasher, put shoes away) but it hasn't helped improve their self esteem and both are bossed around at school by other boys. The mornings before school end up turning into me asking multiple times for them to get their shoes on etc and getting cross and then we have to rush to a school. What do I do to help them with their self esteeem and school work and how do I stop this happening to my third baby? I hope it's not too late for the older two.

When I look at other families they seem to have engaged kids who want to do well / their best. So what am I doing that my children don't?

YABU - you're not a terrible parent and this all sounds normal
YANBU - you're failing them and need some help / a parenting coach

Don’t be so hard on yourself. It is a difficult time, a lot of children aren’t very motivated and it is often an underline issue. Hopefully the assessment will bring some clarity on what is going on.
If I’d 3 little ones I’d be stressed to the hilt.

I accidentally clicked the wrong button there. I don't think you are being unreasonable. It sounds as if you are an attentive parent -- managing the needs of three children is no easy task.

Why are you only blaming yourself? Could their dad be doing more? Or other family?

It's crazy for one adult to be in charge of raising 3 small kids. The load is meant to be shared. Not surprised you're feeling overwhelmed.

@ColdWeatherWarning thanks for the reply. Unfortunately we don't have any family that can support us / the kids. Our parents live far away or have health issues and siblings are mostly in other countries.

My husband is very hands on but works full time in a busy job, often not finishing work until around 6.30/7. I'm on maternity leave right now but will go back part time, but ultimately it's on me to do the after school clubs, school runs, homework / reading etc in the week.

I don’t think you’re failing, OP. You sound thoughtful and reflective. If you were failing, you wouldn’t be so mindful of their individual quirks and your own strengths and weaknesses.

Saying that - I get it! My three are 4, 2 and 10 months and I also sometimes worry that I’m doing it all wrong. Like you, I analyse what’s happening and try to do my best by them, then berate myself when I fall short.

I think an advantage of having three is it has made me realise that, to some extent, they are all just different people. Obviously, parenting plays an important role, but I swear that they are born with their own personality and temperament. My older two are like chalk and cheese despite being parented very similarly. This has helped me a bit, as I’ve tried to stop taking the credit when they do well and blaming myself when they struggle.

All we can do is try and support each one as much as possible. It sounds like you are doing this. Juggling a baby can bring on the guilt, but don’t forget that they will also likely gain in other ways from having a younger sibling.

Thanks @Bigoldwardrobe you're right in that they're all different and quite a bit of their personality is inbuilt and they're born that way. I just want to know that when they get to adulthood I did everything I could to give them the best chance rather than ruin things for them. The tiredness from having a baby around doesn't help with being logical about things but I hope longer term that having a sibling will be good for them as you say.

solidarity ! I’ve three boys with the same age gaps as you, my baby is 18m. husband works full time 60 hour weeks and I’ve no family near to help.
sometimes we all lose it and shout we are human. You’re being very hard on yourself. It’s tough going.
some mornings I will have said put on your shoes or brush your teeth at least 500 times.
your new baby is still very new so your older children will still be adjusting to this change.
when I was sitting breastfeeding my new baby I would cuddle one of the older two on the other side of me if they were home. And we’d have a little chat or just a quiet snuggle.
my eldest has some similarities to yours in that he hates soccer and team sports etc I have accepted this and stopped making him go, and he enjoys karate now and goes for jogs and bike rides with dad at the weekend.
if they’re being “bossed around” in school -I would speak to the school about this for sure, they’ll have a bullying policy.
good luck !

Your boys sound completely normal! The second boy sounds quite tired, so maybe worth getting his blood tested and vitamin levels checked.

Stop worrying; they’re good boys from a good home. Just support them.

Make sure your fears aren’t actually postpartum anxiety. See your GP if this worsens.

Mine ds have adhd so might not be best to comment but

Group swim lessons worked for one of mine but not the others. They needed 1:1 to prigress so might be worth looking at that

Same dc did the same as yours a football/rugby at 7. So we tried different sports. Bmx racing became his thing. Middle dc loves MMA

School work. Like pulling teeth. Routine helps. In house snack and everyone sat at the table to do their work or getting creative doing spellings and sums with whiteboard sheets on the wall/chalking on the pavement/painting on wall with water/finger in the sand

Theres some good games by orchard for numeracy and literacy my kids loved.

Even if you just manage 10mins reading with each older ones a day then take that as your win

Honestly, I’m sure it will. I already see that my (impulsive, strong-willed) eldest will be much more accommodating towards the baby than anyone else. I think both of the bigger ones are pretty good at sharing, collaborating and reaching a compromise on what they want to do. They all find each other hilarious.

That’s not to say it’s not really tricky at times. It sounds to me like your 4yo has had his confidence knocked by the big events of starting school and having a new sibling. Can you spend any 1:1 time with him (or even with baby asleep or feeding) to try and build up his confidence. Take him out for a drink after school and write a story together? Counting when you’re walking or driving together - all very low pressure. Tell him every day that you’re so glad he is part of your family and that you’re proud of him!

I’m not so sure of what to advise for your 7yo as I’ve not reached that stage yet - but I’m sure that positive reinforcement and gentle encouragement can’t be a bad thing. What does he enjoy? Maybe he could go swimming with you or dad at the weekend? Can you find any fun ways to encourage him with the school work? A whiteboard?

Also - can you make bedtime as early as you can so that you can get up earlier in the morning? I have found getting out for school on time the most challenging part of having three (also do this alone mainly as husband leaves well before us). I hate being late and it brings out the worst in my parenting. Getting stuff prepared the night before, and getting up twenty minutes earlier - even though it seemed painful and ridiculous to have to have so much extra time - has really helped me to feel calm and, by extension, we all have a better start to the day.

Can you give your eldest a very important big boy job like reading a bedtime story to the younger two? That might help his confidence and concentration and reading aloud is really good for loads of school work.

Your middle one’s world has changed drastically. Has he gone from being a bit of a big fish at nursery to a small fish at school? And a new baby? Make sure he gets as much sleep as you can and just weave the numbers in - get him to tell you how many nappies are left in the pack, if he counts out the biscuits he can have THREE (a treat!), that sort of thing? Get him to do his reading books with you while you feed the baby so you’re all snuggled up together. Tell him how much you love having cuddles with him even though he’s a “big boy” at school now! (He may not really want to be a big boy and feels a bit pushed into it by school and there being an even littler one. He might like reassurance he’s still “little” or he might need to know that being bigger doesn’t mean giving up things he loves.)

I think it sounds like you're doing a great job, and you should be less hard on yourself! You mentioned that your middle child has struggled since the baby arrived, which I'd imagine is totally normal and just him adjusting to the change. Regarding the eldest, I don't think it sounds like there are major issues; however, since you yourself mention the possibility of ADHD, I would say that an ability to hyperfocus on certain things does not rule out ADHD, in fact it is a common trait in those with ADHD: my husband is diagnosed with ADHD and has always been able to hyperfocus on things that interest him - including lego! - and can remember lots of facts about certain very specific topics of interest, but he struggles hugely with executive functioning (time management, prioritisation, organising, etc.), and had difficulties at school/university as a result. I mention this only so that you're not dissuaded from seeking further support for your eldest if necessary, due to an erroneous belief that ADHD means an inability to focus on anything at all.

Absolutely spot on! OP please research ADHD, your son has a lot of the same traits as mine, can hyperfocus on things he is interested in but struggles with things he isn’t interested in such as school. He has been diagnosed with inattentive ADHD and it has been life changing for all of us being able to understand and put things in place.

Thanks @ByDenimHedgehog and @SummerRain81. I do wonder about inattentive ADHD sometimes. He's definitely not hyperactive but his attention to a lot of things just isn't there. What sorts of things have you been able to put in place to help @ByDenimHedgehog? Maybe I'll look into getting him assessed.

School is boring. A bad school or teacher is very boring. That’s your problem.

My ds goes to a good school but doesn’t learn much. I teach him the basics myself at home - reading. Spelling. Maths. Handwriting. Comprehension. All taught by me. Don’t rely on school as not a lot gets done in class.

Last week I got pulled aside by the teacher because my son had pushed a boy in the shoulder. Turns out the other boy had previously stolen my ds’s book, waved it in the air out of reach and taunted ds, and when ds tried to grab it back the boy kicked him hard, so my ds shoved him away. Ok so both boys behaved badly but now if i tell you the teacher said “oh it happened in the classroom but i wasn’t there to see it as I had to step out.”

So this is what school is like. Unsupervised, chaotic, and when somethinggoes wrong the teacher complains about every detail.

@lllamaDrama how and when do you find the time to teach him all this? This would be great if I could do it but I can't get them to sit for long enough to do loads of extra work after school or they're too tired 😔

Seven year old - of course he doesn't see the point of school yet, he's 7! He's not worrying about his career prospects. Focus on teaching the essentials in a fun way, basic maths and reading/writing. Find something he is interested in and push these things through that way. Stop going to the football club. It's a waste of time and money by the sound of it. Find a way to extend his Lego play if this is his passion.

4 year old - sounds normal. Lots of kids struggle in reception. Try putting him to bed earlier and keeping weekends as chill as possible.

I'd speak to both their teachers about your concerns and see if they can offer any support. Consider the possibility that it's the school that is crap and that's why neither of your kids are engaged there. Look around a couple of other schools and see if you see a different approach to learning/an environment that would better suit your boys.

This is the absolutely worst time. Having a baby and school age children, while theoretically easier than having a baby and toddlers, is difficult in terms of logistics and meeting the older children's needs. DC2 arrived soon after DC1 started reception, and I found it incredibly difficult to get us out the door in the morning on time and do all the school work and other stuff with DC1 while also balancing the needs of a small baby who was constantly feeding. And that was without a third child in the mix as well! DC2 was quite clingy and high needs as a baby, so up until she was around 14 months was just a really tough time. About that time, she started entertaining herself a bit more or was entertained by her older sibling, and things became a lot easier. Being honest, I was a bit of a shit parent to DC1 during that time. I just gave lots of hugs, told them how wonderful they were and how proud I was of them constantly and let a lot of stuff go.

If you feel yourself getting stressed to the point of losing it (which I did depressingly often), that's the moment to turn on the TV, dole out the snacks and let all standards go. It won't do them any harm long-term in the same way that constantly shouting and being grumpy will, and you can up your standards again when you have more in the tank.