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AIBU?

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Original poster

Virtue signalling from husband addicted to porn

26 replies

Usuallyok · 03/03/2026 19:37

Sick to death of my husband, who has admitted that he is and has been for many years addicted to porn, pontificating in front of adult children about how disgusting sexual abuse is with regards Trump etc. Obviously I agree but wtf? The irony. Want to put a hatchet in his head when he talks like that after what he has been watching, despite having had counselling about his addiction which quite clearly did not work. Sorry, just want to scream at him but can’t so am venting here

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 03/03/2026 19:47

Personally I'd be waiting until there was only the two of you in the house and screaming blue murder. Both barrels, about the abuse of so many women by the porn industry. Hypocrite would pass my lips many times.

I assume though that you have addressed it with him - what does the hypocrite he say?

MetroCas · 03/03/2026 19:51

Where do we stand on “porn addiction”? Is it a real thing? Or is it just something people who like looking at porn have come up with that absolves them of responsibility for their “lapses”?

Conspiracytheories · 03/03/2026 19:59

MetroCas · 03/03/2026 19:51

Where do we stand on “porn addiction”? Is it a real thing? Or is it just something people who like looking at porn have come up with that absolves them of responsibility for their “lapses”?

Edited

Where do we stand on “porn addiction”?

What do you even mean by this?

Porn addiction is a condition recognised by many mental health experts.

Gymnopedie · 03/03/2026 20:06

MetroCas · 03/03/2026 19:51

Where do we stand on “porn addiction”? Is it a real thing? Or is it just something people who like looking at porn have come up with that absolves them of responsibility for their “lapses”?

Edited

The professional answer is that it is still being debated whether an obsession with a physical activity - shopping, exercise, porn etc - can be classified as an addiction. The definition used to be that only mind altering drugs could be the subject of addictions, but in the DSM-5 gambling was included under that heading as it has many of the same neurological impacts as drugs. There are of course criteria for a diagnosis of addiction. 'Something I do a lot' doesn't cut it, it's things like what happens/how do you react if you can't, how far does it impact your life to your detriment etc. Eg in gambling, if you lost your house or your job or your family to it - these are the extreme lengths and doesn't have to be quite that bad, but that sort of outcome would indicate that it is an addiction because you can no longer control your behaviour.

MetroCas · 03/03/2026 20:19

Gymnopedie · 03/03/2026 20:06

The professional answer is that it is still being debated whether an obsession with a physical activity - shopping, exercise, porn etc - can be classified as an addiction. The definition used to be that only mind altering drugs could be the subject of addictions, but in the DSM-5 gambling was included under that heading as it has many of the same neurological impacts as drugs. There are of course criteria for a diagnosis of addiction. 'Something I do a lot' doesn't cut it, it's things like what happens/how do you react if you can't, how far does it impact your life to your detriment etc. Eg in gambling, if you lost your house or your job or your family to it - these are the extreme lengths and doesn't have to be quite that bad, but that sort of outcome would indicate that it is an addiction because you can no longer control your behaviour.

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you, that’s really interesting.

Kingdomofsleep · 03/03/2026 20:21

I couldn't stay married to a man like that if I could help it.

mathanxiety · 04/03/2026 00:25

YABU to let him get away with this.

You should interrupt his pontificating and tell the adult children every detail you k ow about the porn.

Before that, however, you should talk to a solicitor. I wouldn't stay married to a man with a "porn addiction".

And no, I don't believe there is any such thing.

Copperoliverbear · 04/03/2026 04:23

Sorry but my marriage would be over.

pilates · 04/03/2026 04:31

I couldn’t be with someone like that either

CurlewKate · 04/03/2026 05:25

Porn addiction is,IMHO, just another way for shit men to justify their shit behaviour.

PollyBell · 04/03/2026 05:26

Yet you are still married to him?

GoneBackToTheWorld · 04/03/2026 05:27

Yeah that's grim. He likes pulling the end off it while watching trafficked and vulnerable women being abused. It's not an addiction, he's just a nasty POS

Smittenkitchen · 04/03/2026 05:28

mathanxiety · 04/03/2026 00:25

YABU to let him get away with this.

You should interrupt his pontificating and tell the adult children every detail you k ow about the porn.

Before that, however, you should talk to a solicitor. I wouldn't stay married to a man with a "porn addiction".

And no, I don't believe there is any such thing.

Edited

Not fair on them.

Original poster
Usuallyok · 04/03/2026 17:56

Can I ask you this? He admits he’s had a porn addiction for the best part of 40 years. It has had an effect on our marriage- he has not been interested in sex with me at all. He swears blind that during those 40 years he has been looking at “vanilla” porn. He will not be moved on that. Would you believe him?

OP posts:
StickyBiscuit · 04/03/2026 18:25

Pre internet I would say that could be true but unfortunately if he’s watching online porn enough to be addicted then the algorithm will feed him more and more even what is popularly trending so it is very unlikely in my opinion.

Porn has its problems regarding ethics and for some it’s a red flag others it’s not men and women. It’s hypocrisy that would annoy me and the fact his addiction affects your marriage to the extent he prefers porn over a a real partner is sad.

you must love him and he doesn’t deserve it x

PollyBell · 04/03/2026 18:31

Usuallyok · 04/03/2026 17:56

Can I ask you this? He admits he’s had a porn addiction for the best part of 40 years. It has had an effect on our marriage- he has not been interested in sex with me at all. He swears blind that during those 40 years he has been looking at “vanilla” porn. He will not be moved on that. Would you believe him?

Yet he is not your ex husband that is number 1 on my list on what i cant understand

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/03/2026 18:34

Usuallyok · 04/03/2026 17:56

Can I ask you this? He admits he’s had a porn addiction for the best part of 40 years. It has had an effect on our marriage- he has not been interested in sex with me at all. He swears blind that during those 40 years he has been looking at “vanilla” porn. He will not be moved on that. Would you believe him?

No, I wouldn't believe one word of it.

You say you "just want to scream at him but can’t" - why can't you?

What's your plan? Divorce?

Ferdyandthegingerone · 04/03/2026 18:39

Adult children? I’d be saying, “but what about all the porn you watch DH? We’ve had endless conversations about how those women are being potentially trafficked and/or abused but you don’t care about that, do you”?
Why are you still married to this turd?

CleanOurWater · 04/03/2026 18:44

I am baffled why you are still married to him?

CleanOurWater · 04/03/2026 18:44

Ferdyandthegingerone · 04/03/2026 18:39

Adult children? I’d be saying, “but what about all the porn you watch DH? We’ve had endless conversations about how those women are being potentially trafficked and/or abused but you don’t care about that, do you”?
Why are you still married to this turd?

Same.

Woodfiresareamazing · 04/03/2026 18:46

Usuallyok · 04/03/2026 17:56

Can I ask you this? He admits he’s had a porn addiction for the best part of 40 years. It has had an effect on our marriage- he has not been interested in sex with me at all. He swears blind that during those 40 years he has been looking at “vanilla” porn. He will not be moved on that. Would you believe him?

No, I would not believe him.

Maybe that's how it started, but typically the brain requires different/more extreme porn to become aroused.
If he truly has been watching the same type of stuff for 40 years then he is very unusual.

You obviously had a sexual relationship with him at one time as you have DCs - how long have you been in a sexless marriage? Are you happy with that? Or have you reached the point where it's not enough?

Also - he seems to be offended at the suggestion that he is watching any kind of 'kinky' porn - does he believe that watching vanilla porn is ok? That choosing porn over a physical relationship with his wife is OK? That disregarding any concerns over trafficked/abused women forced into porn is OK?

He really doesn't sound like a very nice man OP.
Why are you still with him?
Is it time to line up those ducks?

CrikeyNumpty · 04/03/2026 18:49

Why on earth do you want to be around him? I would be so contemptuous of him it wouldn’t be worth being in a marriage with him.

Theunamedcat · 04/03/2026 18:51

Conspiracytheories · 03/03/2026 19:59

Where do we stand on “porn addiction”?

What do you even mean by this?

Porn addiction is a condition recognised by many mental health experts.

Show quote history

The cynic in me thinks these mental health experts are male or dick pandering females 🤔 im sure im wrong though

BauhausOfEliott · 04/03/2026 18:53

You obviously loathe him. Your kids are adults. Leave him if you find him that repellent.

Abd80 · 04/03/2026 20:59

CurlewKate · 04/03/2026 05:25

Porn addiction is,IMHO, just another way for shit men to justify their shit behaviour.

100%

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